Just a lot of everything. My relationship and depression
Hi strangers, feel free to dm me because all I wanna do right now is cry. I deleted my Reddit account this morning because I was gonna put everything negative past me. As of recently I have been coming on Reddit to vent about my issues. I made a post on here about last week how my boyfriend blocked me over me just telling him I didn’t want to see him scroll memes and to see his face (he was streaming memes on call), and his response was that I was an insecure little person because I could’ve just done it myself instead of playing attention games, and this delved into an argument because this was so out of line of him and it hurt me that something so simple resulted in that. I made the post because him blocking me had me so torn up inside and I just needed someone to talk to. Me and boyfriend got back together because he said he was having a really bad day and I ended up saying that I did feel insecure a little because I guess I do just want more of his attention. The past few days have been great I thought because I noticed we communicated more clearly and he was giving me more attention. I felt really great. I had him on call while I did my hobbies and he did his college work. Right now I am blocked and broken up with again just crying.
Basically what happened today was he called me and he said “Gosh traffic is horrible today.” and I said “What happened? Isn’t it always horrible where you’re at haha.” and he said “Can you hear me?” and I said “Can you hear me?” and I said this at the same time he repeated if I could hear him. He then said something about me faking the conversation. Then he asked what I had said before he cut me off. I said that it was just if he could hear me and he said “No before that.” I said that I didn’t say anything. He insisted I said something and was hiding it because I was insecure. I told him I wasn’t insecure and that I didn’t say anything only earlier when I was being playful. I told him I wasn’t lying, which I can see how that sounds defensive and sounds like I am, I guess. This lasted for 5-10 minutes. It ended with me saying the conversation was stupid and we needed to change topics, and he said he wanted someone who wasn’t self serving and that I didn’t care about him. He said he was breaking up with me. I just froze and he blocked me. I’m pretty sure he made it clear to others he broke up with me. So yeah my boyfriend of 2 years blocked me today and I have been doing my hobbies all day pretty much dissociating.
What hurt the most is just now I see he changed his profile picture on discord. That was the first place I checked after he blocked me and he already blocked me on there. It still shows his profile because I haven’t blocked him on it. He was fast. It hurts because the profile picture is special to me. It was art I made of us as his favorite pokemons sitting under the moonlight. I wonder if he had it changed before or after I had switched my profile pic on Instagram (which was us) to a photo of a drawing of me I did. I switched the profile pic because my boyfriend had me blocked on there and I just wanted to look at silly cat vids without tearing up seeing us in the bottom corner. I have no one to talk to about any of this. I got diagnosed with severe depression the other day and I mean I always said I was depressed I knew that but actually seeing a doctor say it and having to take medicine for it, it just makes me feel like a sorry piece of shit. It fucking hurts.
Everything sucks. I am 20 and I live with my controlling raunchy parents who pretty much have made me feel underdeveloped socially and they’re the reason I don’t trust people. They have a Southern facade if you know you know. I’m behind mentally. I’m doing college online because I thought I would be living with my boyfriend at his apartment at this beautiful campus or exploring the world but he wasn’t ready to live together which I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that but I got stuck with my family instead of going to in person college and I really regret it because since the start of August I felt so stuck. Everything went downhill. Mostly because my boyfriend left me when he had left for college and didn’t see me the day before he left, something I looked forward to and had surprises for. He had broken up with me then gotten back with me a week later.
I try not to think of it but now as I’m laying in bed it’s all I can think of. I thought of it on our 2 year anniversary when I find out that very day he didn’t tell his mom we got back together on another unrelated time which he had told his parents we were over, even though we weren’t. I cried immediately and I wish I had better control but on all days of course he brings up that. The day that was celebrating us. I could’ve not cried and I wish I didn’t because he just saw it so immature. I remembered though in that moment how he told me he broke up with me because it was supposed to motivate me to do better and he thought that with him around I wouldn’t help myself on my depression. I was even more depressed and in that week before we got back together I signed up to do nail tech so that I could be productive and benefit from being depressed, and I met amazing nice women but after that class I got so depressed especially doing online classes. My relationship wasn’t the same and everyday became routine and I would call my boyfriend everyday but there was still so much distance between us. I’ll throw this in too but since college started he would only contact me on Instagram and Discord because “me being available on imessages would make him not want to get anything done.” What I mean is my boyfriend has me blocked from calling and texting him on messages, but he can still reach out to me on messages, he just doesn’t get notifications if I call. I realize this is silly and a power imbalance but he is the only person I care so much about, and I mean that. It was only going to last until he finished his classes, but I was bothered by it on the inside which is why I’m mentioning it.
Anyway I live my routine watching my friends live it up on Instagram getting engaged, getting promotions, having fun while they’re getting their degrees and all I can do is feel jealous that I just am stuck. I can’t go to therapy because my parents won’t allow it. I can’t get a job. I can’t be in a relationship. I can’t have a family. I can’t read the room. I can’t be a good friend because I can’t keep conversation. I can’t be friends with good people.
I went out with my friends the same day my boyfriend broke up with me and I just regret it now because it was with my one old friend who made a fetishy comment towards me. I blocked it from my memory. It’s pretty weird. He was my old best friend. He’s gay so he’s not attracted to me which made this whole thing weirder. I haven’t talked to him in a while. In high school he was my best friend and later in me and my boyfriend’s gaming group. We talked only recently because he messaged me and my boyfriend how he broke up with his boyfriend and how there was this whole fiasco where he made a Instagram story how he was single immediately after breaking up with his boyfriend. Blah blah blah. He made a note on Instagram that said “I wonder what [insert my name] calls her belly button.” I was really embarrassed by it because it was weird as fuck. My boyfriend confronted him saying it embarrassed me and that he needed to remove it. He told my boyfriend it was all for laughs and my boyfriend told him to just remove it. Anyway weeks later I message him asking if he could go to the movies because he is better connected to the old friend group than I am. So me and the old friend group went out to watch a movie but I can’t help but regret letting this guy back into my life because while I had a fun time, he’s not the same best friend I had in high school.
My parents they never let me go to parties or hangouts without them there so I never got invited to stuff. At my own 17th birthday party, my “friends” at the time gave me baby toys and spent the party excluding me. Everytime I feel lonely I think of that. I remember crying to my boyfriend how childish it was that I still cry about it and he held me saying it wasn’t childish and that it was awful. I remember right now crying in my boyfriends arms in his bed how my mom told me I was ugly and how she’s out to get me and how I just wish I had a supportive mother, and he wiped my tears and kisses my forehead. My parents never let me drive my car or go out of town, so my whole 2 years of a relationship I was not able to drive myself to anything because my boyfriend wanted their permission for me to drive to him as he didn’t want drama, so our whole relationship he drove an hour back and forth to spend time with me and I really did appreciate that. I think my boyfriend did represent freedom in my eyes which is also why it breaks me so much that he doesn’t want me in his life. I will never be who he once thought of me as and I will always hold an idealized version of him in my eyes which is why it feels so refreshing to be honest on here.