u/Effective_Eye4851

I am a queer woman with lots of friends and different friends groups. Other than my best friend of 20 years and my girlfriend the closest people I have in my life are this group of 3 other queer neurodevergent women that live faraway from me but in a city I visit often because my girlfriend lives there and I visit her every other month. This friend group sorta formed around me. I was friends with A fist, we had a brief fling that didn't work and then became closer. Then came V who I met online. I introduced them to each other and then a third friend (let's call her S) became part of this group. I was very happy about it because A was very lonely at the moment, just went through a breakup with her partner, had to move multiple times and also had a worse breakup with her queer family, a group of friends who abandoned her at her most vulnerable time (mental health crists with suicidal thoughts). I was also happy for me because even though we were faraway we would text daily, make video calls, support each other with mutual aid, talk about future plans of moving close or do communal living, visit each other and of course see each other every time I was in town. It has been like that for the past 4 years but lately things have been changing in a very scary way. This year A left her job and we were all happy because was really killing her and making a big negative impact on her mental health. At the beginning it seemed like she was doing a lot better, she started writing again (it's her passion) and doing more stuff she loved. But then she started to withdraw more and more from us. First she complained about the way we keep in touch, she said texting everyday and complaining about our lives and the same problems again and again is frustrating and boring to her and that also only seeing each other to hang out, talk and eat together was boring and she wanted more. She was craving more "intimate" friendships were instead of asking each other how we are we would engage in more intellectual debate or do more fun nerdy activities together. I was very surprised because I thought that sharing our deepest fears and problems, acting like a support net and prioritizing each other over family and even partners sometimes was  intimate enough, and also we already shared interests, political view and pop culture references. Also it was hard for me to understand why she expected us to meet her needs we didn't know anything about but she didn't think about meeting ours: even though we share some passions we also are individuals with individual taste and passions and she didn't think, for example, to organize a crafty date because one of us is a very crafty person. Anyways we tried to accommodate her requests but nothing seemed to cut it and she was less and less interested in us. She begin declining invitations and not replying to texts and then she sent us a long text explaining she would not read our group chat for some time but we could still get in touch individually. I did it and for a while everything seemed fine ar least between us two, untill we had a conversation about my girlfriend.  A thinks my girlfriend doesn't like her. I told her is absolutely not true because it is not. My girlfriend lives near her and they hang out sometimes even when I am not around, they went to see movies or to parties together and my girlfriend is very selective and wouldn't spend time with someone she doesn't like. A wouldn't believe me and told me she's not crazy. She completely misunderstood my gf anxiety and social awkwardness for something else. After that conversation she told me that she doesn't want totbe contacted for a while. The others in the friend group, especially V, are very worried and heartbroken for that and I am too. I think this withdrawal is the beginning of a depressive episode. A has bpd and I think she goes from idolizing people to being very disappointed by them and pushing them away. She always tell us she struggles with feeling things and even tough she rationally knows she loves us she can't feel it or express it very well. Sometimes it feels like she wanted to skip the tedious parts of staying close and knowing each other and force a closeness but then she could not show up emotionally. For example she insisted we spend the holidays together because she is ace and hates people always prioritize family and partners, but when she came to visit and spend Christmas with me she was not very present. The way she has been communicating with us lately is very cold and detached. She doesn't have other friends other than some strangers online in some forums and I really don't know what to do. Of course I don't want to lose her but I also don't want to impose her my presence. Most of all I want her to be safe and happy even without us if that's what she needs. 

Any thoughts or advice?

I am a queer woman with lots of friends and different friends groups. Other than my best friend of 20 years and my girlfriend the closest people I have in my life are this group of 3 other queer neurodevergent women that live faraway from me but in a city I visit often because my girlfriend lives there and I visit her every other month. This friend group sorta formed around me. I was friends with A fist, we had a brief fling that didn't work and then became closer. Then came V who I met online. I introduced them to each other and then a third friend (let's call her S) became part of this group. I was very happy about it because A was very lonely at the moment, just went through a breakup with her partner, had to move multiple times and also had a worse breakup with her queer family, a group of friends who abandoned her at her most vulnerable time (mental health crists with suicidal thoughts). I was also happy for me because even though we were faraway we would text daily, make video calls, support each other with mutual aid, talk about future plans of moving close or do communal living, visit each other and of course see each other every time I was in town. It has been like that for the past 4 years but lately things have been changing in a very scary way. This year A left her job and we were all happy because was really killing her and making a big negative impact on her mental health. At the beginning it seemed like she was doing a lot better, she started writing again (it's her passion) and doing more stuff she loved. But then she started to withdraw more and more from us. First she complained about the way we keep in touch, she said texting everyday and complaining about our lives and the same problems again and again is frustrating and boring to her and that also only seeing each other to hang out, talk and eat together was boring and she wanted more. She was craving more "intimate" friendships were instead of asking each other how we are we would engage in more intellectual debate or do more fun nerdy activities together. I was very surprised because I thought that sharing our deepest fears and problems, acting like a support net and prioritizing each other over family and even partners sometimes was  intimate enough, and also we already shared interests, political view and pop culture references. Also it was hard for me to understand why she expected us to meet her needs we didn't know anything about but she didn't think about meeting ours: even though we share some passions we also are individuals with individual taste and passions and she didn't think, for example, to organize a crafty date because one of us is a very crafty person. Anyways we tried to accommodate her requests but nothing seemed to cut it and she was less and less interested in us. She begin declining invitations and not replying to texts and then she sent us a long text explaining she would not read our group chat for some time but we could still get in touch individually. I did it and for a while everything seemed fine ar least between us two, untill we had a conversation about my girlfriend.  A thinks my girlfriend doesn't like her. I told her is absolutely not true because it is not. My girlfriend lives near her and they hang out sometimes even when I am not around, they went to see movies or to parties together and my girlfriend is very selective and wouldn't spend time with someone she doesn't like. A wouldn't believe me and told me she's not crazy. She completely misunderstood my gf anxiety and social awkwardness for something else. After that conversation she told me that she doesn't want totbe contacted for a while. The others in the friend group, especially V, are very worried and heartbroken for that and I am too. I think this withdrawal is the beginning of a depressive episode. A has bpd and I think she goes from idolizing people to being very disappointed by them and pushing them away. She always tell us she struggles with feeling things and even tough she rationally knows she loves us she can't feel it or express it very well. Sometimes it feels like she wanted to skip the tedious parts of staying close and knowing each other and force a closeness but then she could not show up emotionally. For example she insisted we spend the holidays together because she is ace and hates people always prioritize family and partners, but when she came to visit and spend Christmas with me she was not very present. The way she has been communicating with us lately is very cold and detached. She doesn't have other friends other than some strangers online in some forums and I really don't know what to do. Of course I don't want to lose her but I also don't want to impose her my presence. Most of all I want her to be safe and happy even without us if that's what she needs. 

Any thoughts or advice?