How do I get over the fear of being seen/anger at perceived success
i'm not sure how to word this or work through it so any insight might be helpful.
I keep getting tripped up at the idea of my old shitty psychiatrist seeing me succeed. It's been years, they likely don't even remember me, they likely wouldn't even see me or find me and witness my success, even if it was publicly acknowledged.
But imagining them telling me that all that suffering was worth it, even if I took the long way, that we all get our fairytale ending even when the villains are dressed up as heroes and the work was bloody. It all worked out. Look at you succeed! Like no matter their transgressions, it was fine because look at me now.
I feel ridiculous but the idea of that enrages me. I can't get past the rage. I still do the things I need to, to succeed, for the most part. But when I take bigger risks or make more noise in my life, this person exists in the back of my brain like a smug self satisfied witness.
Obviously I can't fail at my life to get back at this one person who doesn't even consider me or think of me. But the urge to is there. What the hell is that? And instead of celebrating my wins DESPITE everything, I just think of them. And how much I still despise them.
How do I get past this?