can't control the chaos in my head anymore
Hi
I’ve been struggling for a long time and I need to share what’s happening with me. I went to two psychologists. One of them, after many sessions, diagnosed me with MDD and said I should see a psychiatrist. The other one said I should have gone to a psychiatrist since childhood.
Apart from the depression, the main issue is that I get sudden rushes of thoughts, especially when I’m alone. Out of nowhere, I start having nervous tic-like reactions: hitting myself, punching things, screaming, moaning, and trying to cry but I can’t. This continues until suddenly a voice calls me in my head. I know the voice isn’t real — I can tell it’s not actually there because I don’t hear or see anything real — but I get completely immersed in an imaginary world and start talking to that person in my mind. Then suddenly I snap back to reality, see myself in this state, and the self-hitting, tics, screaming, cursing, and bad words start all over again. This cycle only stops when something external interrupts me or I fall asleep from exhaustion.
I also have very severe social anxiety. I shake a lot in groups and social situations, especially around the opposite sex. Sometimes I feel like I’m not myself. I feel there is an independent subconscious or another entity inside me that is separate from me. This “other” part tempts me to suicide, tries to hurt me, shows me horrible images, and makes me have paranoid thoughts like “what if people are judging me?” I know it’s not really me, but it feels like another independent person living inside me. This has been happening since childhood — back then it mostly showed me terrifying images.
Sometimes I feel like I’m having delusions. They are pain- or illness-related, like fever delusions during smallpox as a child. Random meaningless words, unrelated images, and sudden sounds pop into my head. My sleep is always disturbed and dream-like/delusional. I wake up many times during the night and fall asleep again. Once I woke up and someone called my name; I answered but realized no one was home. Another time I woke up crying loudly but there was no actual crying. Several times after waking up, I was still in the dream for a few seconds before fully coming back to reality.
Right now I’m suffering badly. My life is completely disrupted. I hate life. I keep having these tic episodes and nervous reactions all the time. I can’t focus on my tasks or get anything done. I’m exhausted from living. I wish I had never been born. I think death is the best solution. I really want to hospitalize myself, but I can’t because of my family situation — both financially and because it would cause them a lot of anxiety. I barely managed to tell them about seeing a psychiatrist. On top of everything, political and financial problems are destroying me and making my mental state worse. Because of all this mental chaos, I can’t even pay attention to my expenses and daily responsibilities.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Any advice or similar experiences would be appreciated.
edit: Oh no. Just now, after 15 hours, the news came that Iran has attacked Israel. We will probably never have internet again. My mind will be more damaged😭
I didn't say I'm in Iran and living under the oppression of the Islamic Republic😭😭