I’m irrationally angry about Kiwis
Both the bird and the fruit. I’m a grown man, and I like to think I have a generally average grasp on wildlife both foreign and domestic. For context, I was well into adulthood before I had the shocking realization that Kiwi birds were not in fact anywhere near a comparable size to a Kiwi fruit, not even the hatchlings are. This came as quite a shock to me because I had always loved Kiwis (bird and fruit) and so to suddenly learn that what I thought was an adorable bird that would fit in the palm of my hand was in fact closer to the size of a goddamn pumpkin was irrationally upsetting.
Fast forward to present day, I’m in the break room with my coworker and he grabs a Kiwi fruit, which immediately sparked my memory of what I learned previously about the Kiwi. Turns out he was also operating under the assumption that the bird was fruit sized as well and he too felt irrationally upset by this news. It was at this point we approached a third coworker, arguably the most grounded and wise of our little work family, and told him of our concerns regarding the fruit bird. True to his character he was well aware of the difference in size and took our upset irrationality to a new level. How you ask? He proceeded to show us a video of what a Kiwi bird sounds like, and immediately I hated it. It sounded nothing like I thought it might. So now I’m doubly upset over the Kiwi debacle because not only are they not fruit sized, they sound like they want to swallow your soul.
Well as you can imagine by this point my days ruined, so I felt the need to ruin someone else’s day. So my coworker and I approached another one of our little group and asked if he knew about the Kiwi fruit bird injustice in the world. He did not. In fact, this mother fucker, also a grown man had gone hai entire life unaware that a Kiwi was anything other than a delicious fruit! So now I’ve had my reality shaken by how horrible they sound. My one coworker has had to contend with the new knowledge that Kiwis are in fact not comparable in size. And well, as for the third guy, his world has been shaken so badly to learn that not only is a Kiwi also a bird, but that they’re not in fact as small as the fruit, which he also immediately assumed and was also immediately upset to learn that it was not.
Oh and as for the wise one amongst us, he’s smug in his tower knowing that he knew all of this about Kiwis because as I said already, he knows things. But I digress, tomorrow I will likely shatters yet another of my coworkers world views when he comes back to work and I tell him that we’re not nearly upset enough about Kiwis.
PS before the comments come for me about the name, yes I’m aware the Kiwi is an Asian bfruit with a totally different original name. But that’s a rant for another post.