Failed relationships
26 F.
To preface, I am fully aware relationships are haram and have not done anything physical with anybody. Only started all this after turning 18 and being introduced to the man I was meant to marry (the first) through family and have since been stuck in this hopeless cycle of trying to find the one before giving up entirely.
Where do I keep going wrong in my relationships? Been in a total of 4 relationships since turning 18. They’ve all ended in embarrassment and failure.
My first ended up cheating on me after the one year mark, his excuse being I hurt him. I just turned 18 and wasn’t used to having to consider another persons emotions/needs and would ignore him for hours/days when I felt overwhelmed. He used that to cheat on me twice after roughly 2.5 years together. I ended things and moved on. He has since married and has a child but to this day calls and begs me to come back. His wife is aware and hates my guts (I don’t respond to him and when I do it’s to remind him of his family).
The second I would consider to be the only man who truly made an effort to understand me. Read all my favourite books. Watched all my favourite shows on his own. We ended just at the one year mark as I couldn’t see myself marrying him (interpersonal qualities - he’d verbally abuse me alot). This was now almost 2 years ago, he hasn’t moved on yet. On multiple occasions he’s dropped everything to help me whenever I needed to rant about my exes (after him).
The third essentially hid a lot of things from me. We were together for 6 months. Can’t say I was in love but was settling to marry him. The amount of lies told would make it seem as if he had used me financially (which I honestly do not care about if he had just ghosted me). He gets arrested for crimes I am not aware of entirely (didn’t care). I’d assumed since all the lies, he too wasn’t genuine. However at the 6 months mark in prison, he contacts me from a hidden phone whereby the first thing that surprised me was him memorising my number. Then proceeds to confess everything and shows me a diary of 300 letters he has written me since incarceration. He’s now been released after 9 months.
The fourth was well aware of my past betrayals and promised not to do the same (shouldn’t have been so trusting lol). To summarise, he would be with me 24/7, buy me a lot of things, told his family about me. Just to cheat although virtually (doubt any woman wanted him). I then exposed him to his family, he thought his family (brotherly like) would support him. Only to find out they had each backstabbed him. I felt bad and told him everything so he’s aware of the snakes around him. (Only a Muslim would understand this level of betrayal given our culture puts an immense emphasis on self-respect and your “image”). This has made him realise essentially what he had lost and has “trauma-bound” or “guilt-bound” him to me.
I’m so utterly heartbroken and disgusted in myself. Not sure why I thought the world would be pure and have a similar heart as myself. I don’t think I’d survive another betrayal or lie.
Would it be worth dating again? How do you deal with heartbreak and move on in life knowing nobody’s ever genuine.
I regret being a lover girl.