u/Electrical-Punk8375

After many months, I was fine. Now, I did it again, my bad thoughts were too much and I just needed something to take my mind off them. Might delete this later

F22,

I hate not knowing what to say, being awkward that I look dumb. I hate saying sorry all the time. I hate getting imitated by people, I hate stuttering so much and I hate always feeling like I’m doing something wrong.

I just don’t think I can ever have friends or at-least good ones that live near me or go to the colleges or schools where I go. If I ever finally find someone who I actually relate and feel comfortable with, they suddenly have to go away to a next school or can’t be there anymore for reasons. And then we don’t message each other a lot or have a chance to get close. This happened to me three times. It’s so frustrating and I hate it so much. I think I’m just meant to be alone, I’m probably cursed with it.

I just can’t seem to be normal or talk. I hate when people act like it’s just so easy but it’s so easy for them to say that. They don’t have to struggle with not knowing what to say or always feeling like they’re doing something wrong. I can’t just “talk” I’ve been through so many traumatic experiences back in middle school where I had a friend that leeches off me and didn’t care about me with a group of girls targeting me because I made the mistake of trying to distance myself because I didn’t like them anymore which lead to them taunting me and spreading rumors about me. That had done irreparable damage to me and now I feel so anxious on many social interaction and situations

I always seem to attract people who are just too much and aren’t really considerate of other people or reckless and always seem to expect me to give them things and always want drama even without knowing or just want to be around me out of convenience.

I go to a cosmetology class where everyone seems close with everyone and I’m just there. I don’t feel normal and it kills me so much. I’m so jealous of them. But that’s my fault for not talking, i have many reasons on why I don’t really feel comfortable but I might be here all day.

I atleast gotten a bit better than I was a few years back but it’s still there unfortunately. I thought taking classes would maybe help me make friends and increase my confidence and social skills. Everytime I try to talk or say hello, I get ignored, talked over, interrupted and never really gotten a chance to say anything, I can’t continue a conversation and when I start one, I just sound awkward and it hurts and I cringe at myself. So I just don’t try at all. I feel annoying

Just a small vent, this might help me feel better but probably not. Sorry if this all sounds dramatic