My partner says I’m betraying her because I stopped answering OCD-driven reassurance questions
Hi everyone. I’m writing because I honestly don’t know what the right thing to do is in my situation.
My girlfriend has OCD, and for more than a year I tried to support her by answering the same anxiety-driven questions over and over. I kept hoping that, with time, her need to ask them would decrease, but that didn’t happen.
Recently, it seems to me that her condition has worsened, possibly after changes in her medication. I started noticing that the number of anxious questions increased a lot, and her overall condition and lifestyle also changed for the worse.
When I began looking for information on how to support someone with OCD properly, I came across materials about reassurance-seeking and family accommodation. As I understand it, repeated answers and reassurance may calm someone down in the moment, but will also reinforce the OCD cycle in the long run.
Because of that, I tried to stop answering those questions directly and instead support her in other ways, without giving direct reassurance in form of words she wants to hear. In response, she told me she felt betrayed, that she never expected this from the person closest to her, and that if I refuse to keep answering at least sometimes, it will be very hard for her to communicate with me normally.
She is now very insistently asking me to promise that I will start answering those anxiety-driven questions again like I used to. She says that if I love her, I should do this for her. Even the idea of starting with just one topic and changing things gradually feels unacceptable to her.
I feel lost. On the one hand, I don’t want to be cold or cruel, and I care deeply about our relationship. On the other hand, I’m afraid that if I go back to answering in the same way, I’ll just keep participating in reassurance-seeking/family accommodation and make things worse for both her and our relationship.
I also sometimes feel pressured into becoming her main source of reassurance, and that worries me because I don’t think our relationship should depend on whether I reassure her as much as her anxiety wants.
Has anyone been in a similar situation, either as a person with OCD or as a partner? How do you support someone you love without reinforcing the OCD?
I’d really appreciate any advice.
TL;DR: Should I answer my partner's OCD-caused questions, reinforcing her OCD long-term, or stop reassuring her, harming our relationships, but helping her OCD issue long-term?