I’m Just So Tired
55/F I have been a live-in caregiver for both of my parents for 6 years now. My mother had a massive stroke in 2019 that left her unable to walk or care for herself. I’m an elementary school librarian, so during the school year, I hired someone to come in twice a day to care for her. My father was just showing signs of dementia then, but he wasn’t physically strong enough to take care of her needs. Since then, I have just sort of stopped taking care of myself, and have devoted my entire life to their care. I am an only child with no other family. Work became my sanctuary, and has continued to be.
Cut to today. My mother is dying. Actively dying. Thankfully, I’m out on summer break, so I am able to be here nonstop. I expect it to be in the next couple of days. Meanwhile, my father is deep into his dementia now. He doesn’t know who I am, where he is, and is convinced that I am out to get him.
I’ve done my best to stay strong, but it’s hard, and I’m exhausted. I’m not someone who cries, but I just can’t stop now. I’m conflicted, because while I am incredibly sad, I also know that she has no quality of life. We aren’t religious people, but I do believe that wherever she is going has to be better than where she is now.
I’m also unsure of what lies ahead. While our situation was far from ideal, it was consistent, and I knew what to expect. I just don’t know how to live any other way. I have no real friends (my coworkers are great, but that’s different), and I’m not sure I’d be great company anyway. As my father disappears more and more, I’m afraid I might have to put him in a facility, but I’m not sure how I’m going to manage that (I’m a poor teacher in Florida, so I don’t have a lot of options).
Does anyone have any words of advice for me? Or just a kind word? I just feel so alone and, quite honestly, scared.