I am contemplating on whether I 22f should break up with my bf 24m
My boyfriend (24M) and I (22F) have been dating for a little over a year, and we’re currently on the verge of breaking up. I’m looking for outside perspectives because I feel stuck and don’t know whether I’m focusing on the wrong issue.
For context, whenever we’ve argued in the past, I often feel like I end up being the one to apologize first. A recurring problem in our relationship is that when I bring up something that hurt or bothered me, the conversation tends to become about whether my feelings make sense rather than the issue itself.
Recently, we were playing Valorant together with some of his friends. During the game, an opposing player started interacting with him in chat and asked if he wanted to duo. Based on the username and the way they were talking, I had a strong feeling the player was female, although I obviously can’t know for certain.
The player was being playful and somewhat flirtatious. At one point, she said she had found another duo and didn’t need my boyfriend anymore. My boyfriend responded with a sad face emoticon (” >:( “). That stood out to me because I wasn’t sure why he would be disappointed. Later, she asked a question about another player’s username, and my boyfriend responded with, “you’ve got a lot to learn.” She then replied, “I guess I need a tutor then ;).” After that comment, my boyfriend did not continue the exchange with her, and the conversation moved on.
Even though the interaction was brief, it made me uncomfortable because it felt like he was entertaining the attention up until that point. I didn’t accuse him of cheating, flirting intentionally, or doing anything behind my back. I also didn’t bring it up to start a fight. The next day I simply told him that the interaction made me uncomfortable and explained why.
His response was that the entire thing was a joke, everyone in the lobby was trolling, and that it was silly and stupid for me to be uncomfortable about it. He said his friends were also participating in the joking, which is why he didn’t think anything of it. He also told me that by bringing it up, I was essentially accusing him of cheating, even though I repeatedly said that wasn’t what I was doing.
What hurt me most wasn’t necessarily the interaction itself. It was that he never acknowledged why I might have felt uncomfortable. Instead, he focused on why my feelings didn’t make sense to him. This has happened in previous disagreements as well. He often says he doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do, and I leave the conversation feeling like my feelings are being questioned rather than discussed.
Something else that has been weighing on me is that during this argument he told me that there are certain situations where he simply cannot empathize with me, and that he does not want to change that because “that’s just who he is.” Hearing that made me feel discouraged because empathy and understanding feel important to me in a relationship, even when we don’t agree.
At this point, I’m less concerned about whether the Valorant interaction itself crossed a line and more concerned about how we communicate when one of us feels hurt. Am I focusing on the wrong issue here? How would you handle a situation where your partner consistently struggles to empathize with your feelings, even if they disagree with your perspective?