My stutter have won over me
Hi everybody (M21) here. I’ve stuttered since I was 4 years old. The past 2 years have made my anxiety gone up like crazy.
Many people who stutter probably knows that gut wrenching feeling when you are about to do a presentation in front of the class. You’re cold sweating, the only thing on your mind is that you know that you will stutter, everybody is looking at you, you feel like an idiot. I’ve been experiencing that exact feeling for the past 2 years. These past 2 years have made me sweat all the time, even when I’m about to go to sleep.
FYI I’m studying Electrical Engineering (2nd year). It feels like since I’ve started university, something in my brain has turned on like a switch. I feel anxious all the time, I can feel my heart pound 24/7, my breathing feels heavy, I can’t have eye contact for more then 5 seconds, I feel like everybody is judging me just by taking a glance at me.
I had a group project presentation 2 days ago. Mind you each person had 3 minutes each to present their part. When it was my turn I probably said 20 words in the span of 3 minutes (or more). I still passed, but I feel like I didn’t deserve to pass because of my stutter. I also make weird faces, close my eyes, make weird noises, nod my head when I stutter. Imagine people looking at you while you are presenting and the only thing you see is a freak trying to do a presentation. When the rest of the groups where presenting I just stared at the wall. I just felt empty.
I have tried almost everything, speech therapy (for several years), trying to accept my stutter, trying to realise that nobody cares about my stutter. I’ve tried and I’ve tried but I just feel like nothing won’t work. Literally nothing.
I have even tried to think about taking drugs just to feel how not having anxiety feels like again. Drugs like (Pregabalin, Benzo, Propranolol) which is made to control your nervous system, making physical anxiety systems disappear. Obviously I know that these type of drugs will just feed to make my anxiety and stutter even worse.
I just want to be normal. I just want to go to the gym without having to show with my fingers how many reps or sets I’ve got left instead of saying it out loud. I know this suffering won’t end, I want to try to live with it while not caring about what other people think, but I can’t. It’s sad to say that my stutter has won, there is nothing I can do. I don’t look forward to anything, even when I’m with my family or friends, just because of my stutter. Everyday when I wake up, I just know that I will suffer yet another day. I honestly don’t know how my life will turn out.
All of you probably do not stutter when you are alone, well I was also like that a few years ago. Now I even stutter when I’m all by myself. It’s like I’m afraid of myself, afraid of making myself embarassed. It’s gone bad, really bad to the point where I just want to sleep and never wake up again. It’s crazy how one thing can change your life and your perspective of live.
Sorry for the rant, I just want to express my brutal feelings about my 18 years of stuttering. I don’t know if any of you guys can relate to what I have just written, but if you can, I’m glad that I’m not alone.