feeling deep grief
i (f/24) recently discovered after getting my heartbroken that im deeply adhd & autistic, hyper sensitive, anxious, with hyper mobility issues & extreme chronic nervous system dysregulation. i always suspected these things but only came to the realization at 24 (smth to do w frontal lobe development probably) after years of poor dating choices & over attachment to incompatible partners, surviving thru trauma instead of processing it, having a personality & intelligence that made it look like i was completely fine to the outside world esp bc i was functioning, never asked for support/help, had a “i can figure anything out” mindset. i got myself out of awful decade long cycle of binge eating, purging, coping with weed, substances, fantasies, avoidance, delusions, etc. i suffered a LOT at the realization i was never TAUGHT SO MANY THINGS - that most of my peers in their mid twenties just somehow got. i also moved continents during my most formative developmental years - kindergarten, 4th grade, 9th grade - so i had deep identity issues. all my natura giftedness and intelligent went towards relationships, surviving, getting myself OUT of these loops, shame, dating the wrong men, etc. now im 24 & finally getting meds and a formal diagnosis with therapy. i somehow got myself a corporate job that ik i still have bc im early career, and not bc im some incredibly talented operator. but im feeling deep intense grief at the reality that i … lost so much time. my younger self had such big ambitions for myself. she needed help and support and instead was shamed. i know a lot of people experience grief when theyre first diagnosed, but the kind of grief im feeling is … so intense. im also freshly heartbroken. life just feels… pointless. i feel old. i feel like i lost sm time while all my more stable, neurotypical, or better supported neurodivergent friends are compounding. i moved home from my independent life in nyc to live w my loving immigrant parents who also somehow failed younger me by not being attuned enough/supporting my brain enough/expecting me to figure it all out. and just bc im high functioning, ppl think im “fine” and this is j my personality. i dont know if meds will materially change my life. i need some real true hope. idk what a therapist will tell me that chagpt + my self awareness already can’t. i want my life outcomes to look materially different. im so ambitious and clearly intense. im willing to grind for another 10 years to get myself the outcomes younger me deserved. i can’t help but feel like i was failed. i just need some support and grounding in reality bc this hopelessness and grief is hard to manage.