Really lost. Partner died from cancer and left me with 2 years old boy. It happened so quickly.
Hello, how am I supposed to act ok? All my families and friends kept saying get a counselor, seeking a group, and they said it impacting them just as how it impacts me. I had to disagreed with them. I'm deaf and being 39 years old who have a lot of life to go with child who born 2 years old. My partner is a deaf also, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer which is grade 3 and stage 4. It was too late, the hospital kept saying it was milk that stuck in her breast which is why it was swollen. She suffer for 6 months and struggled to feed my son right after the birth. We kept going back to the hospital and looked dor solution. They never bother suspected it was cancer and decided to do biopsy 4 months later when symptoms started, only because we were very frustrated and kept bothering them to get help with getting milk out as they believed. Eventually after doing biopsy, they gave us the worst news and its kinda like they gave her a death sentence since it was stage 4 because it had spreads in her chest bone. I truly believed it could've been huge difference if they really check way before. We went back to the Wesson Women & Infants' Unit and the Baystate Wesson Women's Clinic 5 times before they decided to do biopsy. Also we are deaf which is an another factor why they push us under the rug due to not feeling like get an interpreter or having do extra work. My partner went to see her own primary doctor too and they told her to keep go back to women clinic since it related to breast. My partner suffered for 4 months until her breast is almost like a rock which is why they finally decided to do biopsy. They also did ultrasound previous 2 of 5 appointment. They see nothing and saying it was a milk that got stuck which is very common.
Fast forward to next one and half year later and I had to watch her died in the hospital bed May 29th at 12:15am. I watched her grasped her last breath. We sure not had to through this. It could have been avoided and prevented the cancer before it gets in the bone. My partner's life was robbed, my future of love was robbed, and especially my 2 years old son privileged to have a mother was robbed as well. I have so much anger in me at this moment and all I could think about how it could have ended differently. I have a stepdaughter which I didn't include on beginning of this message. She is 7 years old and it was her mother too. Anyway, I was only person managed all this by working two jobs, caring two kids and caring my spouse. It was hell, bringing her all appointments, chemotherapy, and we never got PCA. Only because of communication barriers due us being deaf and many appointment takes more than 2 weeks to set up due needing ASL interpreter. Today is is June 2nd, service, funeral, and celebration of life will be happening in next 1 and half week. My partner have to stay at funeral home this long due to needing a time to get an interpreter for service. Its ultimately bullshit.
Everyone went back to their life like its normal again, telling me it will pass by, or trying say they are hurting too. But they didnt have their lover being taken away, or got robbed out of future that is planned and they didn't see what I saw everyday. My spouse cried every night, scared of not able be in kids life, constantly in pain and dealing rapidly within a year. I had to watch that, feeling it, and now everything is gone. All that buried I carried with my partner disappeared the night of May 29th at 12:15am. Now I am supposed to go back to reality and going back to my two jobs. I was on Pfmla for 3 months but it ends on 27th which my spouse died two days later.
So many people are pissing me off, they all were there for her last hospice week of life and some of them had nervous breakdown. They acted like their life was over which my life with her is actually ended. So basically, my life was ended at some point. Ironically speaking, its really frustrating for me and put mask on my face to stand strong for my kids. I can't just go all break down and isolate in my bedroom which I wanted to so badly. I can't even grieve right now. I have my own responsibilities. So basically im sick in my stomach and I felt so suffocating without her. She was my life and my another half. Im not whole anymore. How the fuck am I supposed do this everyday? Its mentally exhausted as fuck.
Its only been 4 days since she passed and Im feeling so lost......fighting...another round...fighting....another round. I wonder when does that round end? Me being dead or pain eventually will goes away?