i did something bad- but not what was told to others
I dont necessarily need advice; i guess im just looking for a listening ear after feeling horrible and unclear about this situation for the past 3 years. im sorry its so long.
when i was in college, i (21F at the time) was briefly involved with someone we will call Tiger (22M at the time). Tiger and i met at a mutual friend's birthday party. Upon going to a bar later that night, we ended up kind of hitting it off and beginning a short-lived situationship (around 3 weeks total). I was surprised he was interested at first, because there had been a running story throughout the first 2.5 hours of the night that him and his best friend (22M) were dating; he later revealed at the bar that they often pretend to be dating to girls (?). I bring this up because it's relevant.
Throughout our time together (around 3 weeks total), I noticed some red flags during conversations. He would often get really upset over things and sometimes villainize me in ways I didn't understand. For example, i once joked with him that him and his friend (the one he pretended to be dating) had great chemistry and should actually date. He got super upset with me, saying "my feelings towards him are something i already question" and that he was upset i would joke about that. I was super thrown off because this was literally how we met, but I apologized profusely and reassured him that his sexuality is something he should explore more and i never meant to make him feel judged. For another example, there was a popular movie character at the time we were talking that he kind of resembled; i once called him the nickname of the character of the movie. He immediately shut down on me, saying how horrible i made him feel because this movie character had the same job as his father, and he and his father had a horrible relationship, and how i had reminded him of this pain. I again profusely apologized and said I had no idea (we had known each other around 2 weeks at this time) and that it would not happen again. There were multiple other times he got vehemently upset with me over something I had no context to know about, and then I would be made out to be the villainous one. I didn't feel it was an issue at first because I've never struggled with taking accountability and apologizing if someone is upset with me.
One conversation we had while getting to know each other was regarding what we were okay with sexually. I explained I was looking for something casual and was fine with hooking up as long as it did not proceed to sex (I was a virgin and did not want to go all the way with someone who wasn't my boyfriend/husband). He told me what he was okay with. I also brought up how important consent is to me because I was a victim of sexual assault earlier that year and of molestation as a child, and how I always wanted super clear boundaries of what we were okay and not okay with. I explained there was a certain thing in bed (a very specific thing) that i did not want done because it was how I had been used as a child. Our conversation continued with things he did not like. He told me the fact that I brought up this was so "amazing" to him because in the past "every girl I have ever been with has sexually assaulted me." I was so shocked; I immediately commended his disclosure, listened to his explanation, and told him I was so grateful he shared with me and that I would never want to do something like that.
This then lead into a conversation of what we did like, and I explained i was into rougher sexual contact (biting, choking, slapping, saying "no", etc), and I wanted to know if this is something he'd be into, and if not, I was completely fine without it. He said he'd like to try. We went into great detail during this conversation. One of the things he also explained was that he had never been able to finish with a woman before, and that if he couldn't finish during our sexual encounters, to not take it personally. I said I understood and that I would be mindful of it.
Fast forward to the catalyst for this post. Our final time hanging out, I went over to Tiger's house. He really liked drinking whereas it wasn't something I was super comfortable with (even now, I don't really drink). This had come up a handful of times, with me explaining it wasn't something i'd be into. He explained it was something he really wanted to try, and because he had been so willing to try things that I liked and because I was into him, I finally said okay but that I didn't want to get very drunk. We ended up cooking a meal together and drinking together. During our drinking, he also explains he's not sure if he can be with someone who is not willing to have sex. I explain I am not looking for a relationship again, and he says he just wants to know if this is something that could be on the table in the future. i say I'm not sure because I don't even know about our future, and he asks again to which I say it's possible but again I don't want to lead him on with the idea of 1. a relationship when I am not looking for one and 2. the promise of sex when I wanted to possibly save that for marriage.
After drinking, we took things to the bedroom. We started making out, and I was biting his lips like we had in the past. At a point, he said "stop" and "no" once each, but I took this as we had in the past (me saying no/stop while we did things together). After another minute of making out, he grabbed my shoulders and said that I was biting too hard and it was hurting. I got off of him and apologized. I could tell he was upset, and knowing how horrible what i had just done was, I began profusely apologizing and asked if he wanted me to leave. He said no, that it was okay, and we tried to continue on- at this point, I tried to give him oral sex. After about 2 minutes, he told me to stop and that he was not enjoying it. I immediately got off of him, and because I was drunk, I started crying because I felt so badly. I deeply regret this, because I don't know if it made him feel manipulated in those moments or like he had to comfort me instead of the other way around. I felt absolutely horrible and again offered to leave and said I was so sorry. I tried to explain that when he was said stop/no while making out, I thought it was in alignment with the conversation about what he'd be willing to try, and that I didn't understand he was being serious, but that I know that doesn't take away from what just happened. he explained it was okay but that he just wanted to sleep for the night. I told him okay and that if he changed his mind at any point, I would leave immediately so he could have his space.
The next morning, he acted like everything was fine. I started a serious conversation where I told him I was, again, so sorry and that it was what happened and how deeply horrible I felt. He kept insisting it was fine. I told him I didn't want to glaze over this, but he said he was completely fine and was happy i had apologized. He then initiated some sexual interaction with me. I asked him if he was sure, and he said yes. When we started, he ended up doing the only specific sexual thing I had asked him not to do (referenced earlier). He realized a couple of moments in and said sorry, and I told him it was okay and that I figured it was an accident/not intentional. however, in my mind, I guess there was a part of me that wondered if he was still upset and did it out of vengeance since it was never something he had done in the past and because its so specific.
We continued on, and afterwards, it seemed like everything seemed fine. We headed to a coffee shop to get some drinks before I left for the day. On the way there, we were having casual conversation, and he made a joke that i had r***** him. I immediately went cold and asked him what he meant by that. he said that it was just a joke. I pressed him to explain this more and he insisted he was joking about what i did the night before. I said I did not think 1. r*** jokes were funny in general and 2. that that was okay at all given everything that had happened. I again asked him if he was okay with the lip biting situation or if he wanted to talk about it more, and he insisted it was fine. We continued on with our day, and I left for home.
Later that night, he said he wanted to talk on the phone. I already knew the direction it was going and that he would be ending things, and I totally understood that I had overstepped a boundary. I was prepared to say my view but accept how he felt and move on. When we got on the call the next day, it was like a complete shift had happened. He said what happened between us was not okay and that he had spoken to friends about how I had "violated" him and how they all said I was not a good person and he should end things. I felt very blind-sided, and I asked what exactly he told them had happened. He told me that he explained to them "what happened" how i "purposely got him drunk" and "took advantage of him" and "violated him." I began crying again at some point during the conversation because I felt so horrible but I also was so confused on the way he was explaining what happened and how it didn't at all reflect what I felt happened between us. Upon getting him to explain more about his feelings about what happened, he explained I "didn't stop [giving him oral] when he said no."
At this point, I immediately stopped him and said that was simply not what happened. Throughout the conversation, I thought he had been referencing the lip biting issue. He said no, that was not was he was referring to. We essentially go back and forth, and after a bit of conversation, he finally admits that, no, I didn't continue giving him oral when he asked me to stop, but that I did violate him by biting him too hard. When I asked him to expand on the fact that he was essentially intentionally misrepresenting what happened between us (and had literally just admitted it), he doubled down on how bad what I did still was and that I needed to stop trying to take away that away from him. I tried again to explain that I never had an issue taking accountability for what i did do, but what he was telling people I did and what I actually did were very different. He continued with his initial point and I finally gave up and told him i was very sorry, to which he said he wasn't angry, but that he did not want to continue things with me. we never speak again. I spend the next month in a deep depression because I feel as if I have done to someone else what was done to me, even though I know that's not exactly what happened.
Fast forward a few months, we end up at the same party. I still feel horrible about the biting and how I hurt him, so I go out of my way to avoid him the whole night. At one point in the night, a trio of his friends including his sister come up to me and start talking to me. I can tell they are trying to patronize me. I explain I know they are friends with Tiger and that I don't know what he's told them but to please leave me alone/I dont want any trouble. They continue insisting "no, we just want to be friends! Can we get your snap?" They grab my phone out of my hand, and then one of them dumps her entire drink on me. I end up crying and moving away, and I see Tiger watching from a distance.
That is pretty much the summary. I guess I'm looking for anyone who has had a similar experience, or someone who can give me insight into why they think this happened? It's been years now, but whenever I think about this situation, i still feel a deep pit in my chest. I feel horrible about what i did do, but I feel so confused on how everything escalated, and how he never took accountability for immediately back tracking, or anything wrong he did between us. I know deep inside that he still tells people that i did what he admitted I didn't. Has anyone been through something like this? I feel like I don't have the right to be angry sometimes because of what i did.
Edit: An unrelated and added detail but not pertinent to the above story: Another thing that happened is throughout our time together, he wanted me to tell him about the loss of my mom (I unexpectedly lost her about 2.5 months prior). I kept telling him I wasn't comfortable talking about it with people yet because it was so fresh, but he kept asking because he felt it would make us closer. I told him I just wasn't there yet and that I'd tell him when I was ready. On the day everything happened, he told me while cooking that his friend's mom had actually unexpectedly passed, and that he told his friend he was talking to a girl who went through something similar. He said his friend asked about me and my experience, and tiger said it would really "help his friend" if I would tell him more about how my mom passed. Finally, I broke, because I was heartbroken to hear about his friend's tough time. Upon further reflection, i feel like he may have misled me/lied to me about this just to hear what he wanted. I guess I just feel manipulated overall, but don't know if I have the right to because of what i did.