u/Fast-Charmer-69

WARNING POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING SA

Not sure why, but im having the worst time today. I can barely cope with the pain. Tears just won't stop.

It's kind of silly, I've known for ages but it hurts more and more as time passes. Today I think I've decided life is a disease. It is just hurt and pain.

I've read some awful accounts of betrayal on reddit. But few are like mine. And when I find one close it is massively triggering.

I need help, but I won't get it, it's not really me, andbits to late anyway. I don't think anything will anymore.

My Story 😭

I don't even know how this is possible. I fell in love when I was only a young child. I saw my wife working in a shop and instantly fell in love with her. There is something about her. And to this very day I love her just as deeply maybe more so which makes this unfathonable.

And I don't blame her either. We share so many commonalities and experiences we are without a doubt trauma bonded, but I also thought deeply in love. But I really don't know if she loves me any more, or possibly ever did, but I think she did, may still do. I don't know.

I say it's early in the betrayal. But I have known for at least 2 years, and now know about a sex addiction she has been involved in complicated with drug abuse involving many partners, onlyfans accounts and a huge amount of content creation.

A bit of background, I suffered SA when I was young like 9 im M47 now and was taken by a group of older boys and used. There was actually a few of us young boys and we knew about each other, but told no one and I think this created a personality type for me which is definitely anxious attachment. Fear of making friends or relationships and sharing anything perdonal. Huge amount of shame and image problems. But if I do make friends or get into a relationship I become quite close and caring but need a lot of reassurance in relationships. I haven't had many. Maybe 3 or 4 and 2 marriages came out of those.

I think my wife was also a survivor of SA. Possibly at the hands of a family member. After doing some work on our selves looking for ways to get closer I/we felt there was something there, and talked to another family number who indicated there was an abuser in the family who commir SA on some relatives. But quickly asserted it did not happen to my wife. My wife confided she had stayed there with a cousin once, but couldn't remember anything happening, although she did tell me that her and her cousin did play serial games after thus while still young.

She also has suffered in previous relationships, her first boy friend committed suicide at 19 (I think) and her she later suffered quite bad domestic abuse from a father to kids she had for an extended period.

She has been my best friend since I was about 16 which makes this so fucking hard and crazy. Best friends for more than 30 years. And after her last relationship with the ex that beat her. We got togethor because our relationships had fallen apart at about same time and I still loved her. She instigated it, And I was literally over the moon!

We have been married 7 years and togethor 10, mostly I thought very happily. I thought her my soul mate and still do. I can't bear the thought of having anyone else. Not now or ever really.

At first sex was great. I have a high libido, she seemed to too and had it often, but after the birth of our lovely child it dried up and became I'll say bearly non existent. Lucky if it was once a month,

During our marriage there were only a couple of red flags I saw. A bit of hypersecual behavior when quite drunk and the evidence of an app that could be used for hook up and texting etc.

It actually didn't bother me. Due to my early experiences I don't believe in monogamy. I think it's a stupid construct unfit for humanity for many reasons. Some people can't do it. And others can't find it. Many don't deserve it. But everyone does deserve to feel desired though and find a release for their sequel tensions.

Thus also makes it harder for metro stomach. I have never cheated. But told my wife my thoughts on this, probably quite often.

She told me she did believe in monogamy and wasn't interested in an open relationship, I said bit would not bother me. It still doesn't. It's only the betrayal that bothers me. I never told her that my prime reason for thinking open relationships a good thing is that it meant people didn't have to lie to each other, lies break marriages and breed distrust and ultimately destroy relationships. I've seen it happen over and over again.

But that is my reasoning. Marriage really is a religious construct that is designed to break relationships because humanity as a whole is bad at it.

Fast forward to end of 2025. I had been seeing her using the apps more and more, I knew what they were and ca. Put 1 and 1 togethor to get 2 as well as most. I didn't push. I knew her so well I didn't want to scare her and I knew it would, but things started to get weird.

We got hacked, by a group of people from discord. I know enough having some programming experience where I needed to get access to remote systems that I figured out pretty quickly who and how they were foing it. And they basically had to have had access to our house. They set up a fake network for us and then installed malicious software on our system.

I was working minimum of 12 - 13 hours a day but started to see evidence of affairs and seeing things out of place.

Long story short I attempted suicide with several drugs

Pushed nearly 250mgbof morphine into my arm but did not die.

I was taken for a psych evaluation and never allowed home by my wife. I did a lot of reading and discovered her personality type as a fearful avoidant snd with her history of trauma it all fell into place. I'm unfortunately very clever and have a photographic memory. I see everything around me and can join. Distant dots with ease. This ended up scaring the shit out of her.

She started saying things like I need space, your squashing my personality, I don't know who I am and then this. I don't have a secret life. What did I do, I immediately started looking for one.

I found it. She was a creator with many accounts and on there with a few people that i had counted among my friends.

I tried to talk to her, I wasn't angry, terribly hurt. But I do know where it all came from, why she did it. And I potentially triggered it all, so feel a good portion of blame.

I since seen worse. She's been strangled. Drugged into unconsciousness and used hit and abused in these videos. Everything she hates. But I guess has to play out. I understand why she couldn't have me be the person she used to play out her kinks, but it's left me Ina state I don't want to survive. But I have children and don't want to try and kill myself again. The cycle of pain needs to stop.

When I've seen her I can See the agony in her face. The deep hurt she is feeling, and all I want to do is take it from her.

She hasn't talked to me in so long. I just want to hold her again. I miss her terribly and hope she is safe.

Ive tried to contact her but she got a police safety order on me twice which each time means I cant contact her for 10 days each time, I was nice though. But I know she feels my contact as pain and fear and then I was stupid and threatened one of the guys from a video which earned me a restraining order against him.

So I give up. She doesn't want me to contact her and to avoid any further repercussions and damage to what was once a good reputation I will honor her request for me to stay away and not her contact her. I know she's hurting and I just want to help. To get what we both lost.

Ive lost everything at this point. My wife, my life, my family, my business, most of my friends and the place I called home.

It's a crazy story, I've only touched on details, if I expand it's almost fantastical. The police didn't believe me, my own family except for one parent who looked at all my proof didn't believe me and the couple of friends I asked for help. Well one did and one didnt believe me.

I feel utterly lost. Like a boat adrift either caught in a destructive storm or without any wind for my sails for direction. I cant See a future.

I got a fucking job straight away. Pays really good and I only work 3 days a week. But I don't know what to do with the rest of my time and the money means nothing

I spend it on booze mostly.

I'll go burn these thoughts away with that and a few other substances to see if I can stem the tears for today. Do it again tomorrow. Fuck it all.