I’m 27F married to 27M. We got married and moved in together after last year.
My husband and I argue a lot over what I think is mostly trivial stuff because we do not handle disagreements with each other well and seem to not be able to emotionally regulate.
We are currently trying to fix it and do our best to work on our own flaws and show up better.
When we are not arguing we are so loving towards each other and have so much fun and genuinely are best friends.
We recently got into another argument.
I was planning a trip for us for the anniversary of when we got legally married (our ‘lesser’ anniversary). Husband knows I want to travel with him because it is a major dream and life goal for me. Depending on if he is angry or normal he will either tell me he doesn’t want to or that he loves the idea. Generally speaking though he does always say he likes the idea but not as much as me and its more my thing which is of course fine. Our last trip was our honeymoon 6 months ago and we both say it was amazing and he said he wanted to do more.
So I have been planning a trip and initially he said the idea was not going to work because it is too expensive and also too long of a trip because he had work he has to do. So I asked if we could compromise and do a 2-3 night trip that is cheaper and he said yes.
I spent a long time researching and came up with a new plan. He then proceeded to say “ok if we really have to, and you REALLY want to, we can” and when I told him his reaction upset and surprised me he said he thought I knew he doesn’t really like travelling and he has been suggesting that we dont do this trip but that I seem to still be asking so he will do it if I want. I told him if he had said a flat out no I would have dropped it but we settled on a compromise to which he just responded saying ok well if I really want it we can go. I then told him that it was hard to look forward to a trip that I feel like I am forcing him to come on and that as much my preference would be to travel with him, that I am considering making travel plans with my mother, siblings or girlfriends so I can fulfill some of my travel goals without having to force him to do something he doesn’t want to.
I told him ‘I know you’ve said you’d divorce me over travelling with others before but I think you need to decide, either you could come with me on trips and be positive about it which I’d prefer or I can do trips with my family or friends, you can’t just say you don’t want to and I can’t go with anyone else either when it is such a massive dream and life-goal for me’ to which he replied “yes i would divorce you over that” I then said “well I’d want to consider travelling with other people like my family or friends if you won’t come with me’ and he said “ok then and I’ll date other people”.
I then got so upset I stormed out the room. He came and followed me into the bedroom and asked where I was going. I told him I was leaving to go to my parents house and that the relationship is over because it was only a week ago I said if he continued to disrespect me in disagreements that it would be. He cornered me to stop me moving and I pushed him and he fell. I kept yelling at him and was really rude and swore at him and telling him that I am going and to leave me alone. He then grabbed me and held me on his lap despite my telling him to let go and that he was hurting me. When he let go I felt so violated that I spat in his face which I can’t believe I did and I am so disgusted with myself about. He then continued to corner me to stop me leaving so I grabbed the lampshade and held it up until he moved out the way momentarily and I ran out the house.
He sent me many apologetic texts whilst I was at my parents (who I did not say anything to about what happened) saying he is so sorry and will continue to work on things etc and can’t be without me etc and that he doesn’t blame me for what I did and I was so embarrassed to tell my parents what happened and ask if I can stay there that I ended up asking him to pick me up and take me home. In the texts he said he hadn’t sworn at me like he had promised so at least he had upheld that and that he would continue to try to do better at not saying ‘stupid hurtful things’ like the date other people thing which he knows is disgusting and that he had just said it as a knee jerk reaction to feeling disrespected and because he took what I was saying to mean that I didn’t care if he would divorce me. He said he realises what I said was completely rational and that what he said was awful. He said he knows he can be an idiot but that he will try harder and to give him another chance.
I felt so disappointed in myself that instead it had been me who swore, something I don’t do and told him I want him to stop and he actually had not done on this occasion.
Regarding the knee jerk nasty comments, he says that it stems from a toxic relationship with his brother where they would constantly say the most horrible thing possible to each other to one-up the other (they are no contact now). He says he will see his brother with me and his family present as a way to address this wound and heal and as a way to contribute to the self-work needed stop bringing those habits into our marriage.
Today I tried to talk about the argument with him and I started off by apologising for everything I did. I then said I hope this does not take away from my apology and I still take full responsibility for my actions but I felt very threatened by you cornering me and grabbing me and holding me down and not letting go despite me telling you it hurt, it made me feel unsafe but not just that but it was unsafe. He then said I understand you felt unsafe but you were not unsafe. I responded saying that I was because I got hurt and he wouldn’t let me go and was applying pressure to my ribcage. He said he did not apply any pressures and that just came from me resisting. I started to get really upset and said I couldn’t believe how he was acting and then he said unsafe was the position he was in when I held a lamp up and was seconds away from hitting him and him ending up in hospital and that he feels unsafe now that over every disagreement I might hurt him and become psychotic again. I said I felt threatened because he was being physically abusive. He said oh yes call me abusive again like you always do but what you did was.
I walked away from the conversation and he later came to say he understands and do I want to talk more but I said no.
I have no idea why I wrote all of this one argument out on reddit but I have not told anyone about the struggles we are facing in our marriage and I am starting to lose perspective on what a normal marriage should be like and whether this can be saved. The idea of not being together and divorcing is completely unfathomable to me despite me saying it to him.
Sorry for all the grammatical errors and awful flow of the story, I’ve just wrote this on a whim as a desperate attempt to feel like I am processing things. Thank you to anyone who read all of this.
I guess I am wondering can this marriage be saved? And what your thoughts are generally on what you have read?