I want to say this is a very long post, but to those who are willing to take the time to read this, I will really value your perspective
Okay so…I got a mix of comments that were calling me a dumbass, and others that were calling my girlfriend a “pedophile” and that she’s grooming me…
I’d like to say I don’t believe the second is true. As for me being a dumbass? Maybe that is true lol. But I am going to go out on a limb and defend my self a little bit here.
For everyone that was flaming me for being homeless I want to make it very very clear that even if you call this a dumb decision…I made the decision to come out to Hawaii with nothing but a backpack and a guitar. I was 18 at the time and before coming here I never even flew in a plane before. I grew up in Montana and I wanted some damn adventure and I STILL do! I just happen to have a bit of a matured outlook on things now……well at least somewhat.
And for everyone who thinks it was dumb to come out here well I just simply have to disagree. I don’t even want to begin to think of where I would be at if I chose to never come out here and stay in Montana with the same confusion about life. The only thing I had going for me was I began to create music a couple months before coming to Hawaii and that is why I brought the guitar with me.
When I got here, it was crazy. It was like everything I envisioned happening started to happen. It was crazy how fast things were falling into place for me. I met a lot of people very quickly…and I imagine part of it was because I’m walking around with stuffed backpacking back and an acoustic guitar on my hip lol. But either way, I genuinely felt the best I’ve felt …maybe in my entire 18 years if existence so far? I’m completely on my own, thousands of miles away from home, and even sleeping in a park. But everyday I woke up, I felt excitement because I had no idea what might happen next.
And things just kept falling into place, I mean it was intoxicating! I had people offer me modeling gigs, which was a boost to the ego and a new feeling. Plus I met a lot of people who were in the music scene. And even though I was still very new to creating music at the time they let me tag along with them to a couple performances. And at one of those events I met a guy who was selling this van for relatively cheap and gave me a deal on it.
So three weeks in with the help of some great friends I made on the way I had a van!! It was such a good feeling ! Even though I knew the van wasn’t in good enough shape to truly build up into a “TikTok van life van”. It was a place to stay other than the park and I was elated.
At this point I’m four weeks into it and I’m not entirely sure what the next step was going to be. Part of me wanted to save up for a passport and go backpack around Australia and New Zealand…travel the world !! Another part of me thought maybe try and get a place here in Hawai’i because Hawai’i truly is great! But I didn’t really have any clue to be honest. I was just enjoying what each day brought!
NOW, around a month into it…I walked an hour and a half to this bar I was invited to where we could do an open mic jam sesh. But upon arriving I was turned away because I’m 18(I’ve never been to a bar and thought at the very least I could just get an X on my hand or something. But since the guy who invited me thought I was 25, he didn’t think about that.) So I thought all hope was lost and started walking back to my van until I see
a guy with a guitar and long black hair and then a girl carrying a bass with long black dreads (my girlfriend ).
So I run up to em damn near begging to vouch for me to get into the open mic lol. And they do! The guitarist goes up to talk to the staff and takes about 20 minutes doing so. During that 20 minutes me and my now girlfriend had a chance to sit outside the bar and get to know each other. And I wasn’t even trying to make a move or anything I was simply sharing my story. How I flew out here to Hawaii from Montana a month ago, just got a van a week and a half ago and just sharing the passion I’ve gained from being out here.
The night ends, I say my thanks to her and her guitarist and we exchanged info. We texted a little bit back and forth…even asked her for advice on where I should go during a tsunami alert(hiked three hours up a lookout for nothing even hit lol). And eventually one week after texting she invited me to “hammock and chill” at a park. And so I agree and she shows up with her ukulele and we had a good time. Spent hours talking and even an hour past the parks closing time. Then idk things kind of picked up from there because during our first hangout I did mention how I would enjoy it if I had a dog but also that would be impossible because I’m living in a van.
Well the next day I found a dog at the park I used to sleep at and she was very malnourished so I carried her to a vet and they turned me away. So I didn’t know what to do and I honestly just decided I’d have to leave her. But she kept following me lol. I’m not kidding like I remembered I stopped at Walmart thinking she’d leave but nope I come out and she’s at the same door hanging out with the Walmart people who guard the doors and check receipts if you know what am talking about.
So i hangout with the dog for the day, I tell her about the dog I found. And since she has a dog of her own she comes to my van and brings me some supplies for her. I believe maybe two to three days after is when I “moved in”, except she said this is a “trail run”. And before anyone says she moved me in I have to own that I played a big role in moving in. To be fair she did tell me one night “we gotta do something about you being in that van.” And I enthusiastically jumped on that because I’m not gonna lie….shit was NICE!
I’ve never had a girlfriend before, and deeply wanted to experience having one. And on top of that it was nice having ac and a reliable bathroom to have access again to lol. (Had to walk to Walmart whenever I had to go #2 and they closed at 10.) Anyways yeah, I moved in, and it was great. All the way up until I believe two or three days into staying with her I decided this is the point I need to ask her age. She knew I was 18 because of me saying so the night i needed help getting into the bar…but I have been told it’s rude to ask a women her age so I waited a bit. Also maybe part of me was scared to know lol, although at MOST I thought she was maybe 24-25. Mainly because I didn’t realize it at the time but she wore makeup everytime we hung out lol.
Anyways I do vividly remember when I asked her how old she is and she whispered in my ear “I’m 10 years older than you.” I was honestly shocked and bummed and do remember thinking to myself “okay so this might not be a long term thing.” But I shoved that thought deep down because how great of a time I was having….
And fast forward 9 months here I am 😅
I will admit I don’t think I’ve fully gotten over the age thing ….BUT NOT BECAUSE I THINK SHES A PEDOPHILE OR “GROOMING” me.
But simply because I think I just don’t fully align? Even though she is a GREAT person. Like genuinely , anyone would be lucky to have her. Just for whatever reason there’s thoughts that I think have stopped me from being fully in this?
I will accept that I have most definitely made mistakes in this relationship and learned a lot about myself as-well (it’s crazy how much you learn when you have another person holding a mirror up to you.) but yeah even though I’ll admit I’ve had multiple moments thinking “maybe I should leave.” I think it was a combination of things stopping me from doing so. Such as the fact that I am aware how great of a person she is and am scared of regretting losing her, that I care for her, the fact that we don’t really have any “drama” to a substantial amount…although yes we have arguments, and on top of that I think it’s just the fear, the fear of the unknown again. Even though early on in the relationship I had no problem thinking if this lasting only another week or month. But as time keeps going by I just have got more lost in the sauce, and I’ve lost confidence in what’s the best decision to make.
And so now I hope some people are able to understand why I am wanting to maybe try getting my own place instead of jumping to breaking up. Because I’m lost in the sauce…and with my own space and own routine the relationship will either flourish , or I will have the clarity and independence to end it respectfully…
But as a decent amount of people mentioned I will agree with the fact that it was probably a mistake telling her this…because she gave me the “30 days eviction notice” since she probably heard in her mind that I’m breaking up with her. But I’m not…I do want to see how this relationship feels when I have my own place and regain my identity…because yes, while being in this relationship I have lost myself. And that is not her fault at all, I undercuts up to me to keep myself motivated to do things I enjoy , but it’s just gotten worse. I had a job for a little while at first, but quit because management became weirdly difficult and I was making decent money busking on the strip anyways (probably averaging $20-$30 an hour and that was enough for food).
But I’ve just slowly and slowly became less productive and have become lazy…Ive been getting out of it these past three weeks but for a good couple of months I was not doing Jack shit. And I’ve had enough at this point, now for whatever reason I still find it weird to make music infront of her, but I have forced myself to get back to it anyways…as well as my fitness …
And so hopefully this wasn’t drawn out but I hope this is some context on why I want to try the relationship where we each have our own place?
And I want to add as well that I have and will accept my many many mistakes I’ve made in this relationship and that I have genuinely gone about this all wrong if only I knew what I do now even a couple months into the relationship rather than now. But my girlfriend also told me that “wherever you go there you are.” And I agree…I’ve had these issues before , so I agree it’s going to have to be ME who starts living life again…and that I can’t blame a relationship on my faults and my decisions that I make. It is up to ME! I accept that fully…
And on a bright note I am proud to say I have been sober from every single substance (weed & nicotine and even caffeine) for three months now. Which is the longest I’ve been sober from any of the three since shoot idk
probably atleast 15 1/2 years old for weed, and 16 1/2 for nicotine? And then caffeine hell I’m not sure since I know I drank pop as a kid lol.
And I’m not using this as a excuse or bragging just wanted to add that I am trying something I’ve never done before and I know being sober will have some benefits for the next chapter of life however that turns out to look like…
Anyways I hope this was not to long , and I hope this was articulated somewhat well.