My Gf (21F) and I (21M) just had one of the toughest conversations about our future, where do we go from here?
My gf (21F) and I (21M) first met in high school junior year. We were both excellent students in the same accelerated college program that were dealing with family and mental issues behind the scenes. However, when we met, we became each other’s rock and have been together for the past few years.
We always treated our relationship as something long term. when we first spoke about the purpose of dating we clarified that we wanted this to be a long term thing and we wanted to at some point get married and live a life together. The only thing where we stood on different grounds, was where we stood on family. I wanted kids and she didn’t but we were both teens and agreed this should maybe be a conversation for down the line when we were able to make “adult moves” in our relationship. We agreed that the general consensus would be to talk about it when we both got our bachelors degrees.
As we’ve grown together throughout the years we’ve had ups and downs but we haven’t broken up and have always been able to communicate our emotions. However, there were a lot of little thing’s that I have felt have torn on me throughout the year.
First, at times she would belittle my degree since it was a humanities degree unlike hers which was stem and after voicing how it hurt me she eventually stopped.
When I got a car, i’d offer to drive her to class and pick her up, i’d be received with “joking insults” at 8am and something about being called a B***h that early, constantly irked me so i consistently asked her to stop until she eventually did.
I have to be the butt of every joke or matter. when it came to being funny, she HAS the best sense of humor - as she claimed. when it came to music, my music sucked and she had the clearly better taste - again she claimed. when looking back at moments that we found sweet about the start of our relationship or whenever i (in all truth) would fish for some kind of compliment it was all about moments where i fell, got hurt, or in one way or another accidentally made a fool of myself, that she found pleasing. a lot of times the friendly banter felt like more of a cover for somewhat personal insults
There was also this selective picking she had to only talk to “good looking people” she mentioned how before we dated she wanted to be friends only because I was good looking. Something about how superficial that was rubbed me the wrong way and shifted the way i saw her.
If i said or looked or did anything the wrong way she’d quickly throw a tantrum. This was if i didn’t see her hand quickly enough to hold it while walking, if on call i couldn’t pick up what her mic was saying and asked her to repeat herself after 3 times, or if i didn’t immediately remember something from the past. It got so draining and like walking on egg shells that I think we have called each other to just talk maybe twice in the past 6 months cause i dread that i’ll get hit with attitude when i just want to spend time talking together.
When I finally got a job relevant to my career with a huge potential to set my career for life she congratulated me. she liked that i had my own office and was working on matters of public good. however, my job sometimes requires weekend attendance to summits or community fairs and we had set our date day to be on sundays. every Sunday without fail, a day for just us. however, on the rare occasion my job does interfere id still try to get brunch, take her out, see if we can at least do a sunset at the park, or something prior to the weekend but many times just because work is involved she’d rather not take the alternative and suddenly it’s an issue. suddenly it was only a few hours and she didn’t like that limited time together. she now constantly provides uncaring remarks about what i do, how busy the work is, and just a genuine disinterest in supporting me emotionally as i navigate my career space. it feels particularly draining because more times than once i try to find my peace in her only to be met with more noice and issues.
when any events involving her didn’t got smoothly, if she was bothered in any way she made it everyone’s problem. we had two graduations together (high school and associate) where because of an issue with her family she then had a horrible attitude with me. When i tried to comfort her, listen, and highlight how this was still a huge success that should be celebrated, i was met with an attitude so hurtful that brought me down. After that i decided that my next graduation would not be with her, i switched universities and got my own bachelors graduation to celebrate. - full disclaimer, i never told her that this was one of the reasons i changed schools. there were other career benefits that also made it a good move. but that was my main reason.
finally, lifestyle choices. i’m not skinny by any means. but i enjoy hitting the gym daily, trying to eat well, and biking out in nature. i like being outside and enjoying the world and all the different matters. she on the other hand, hates the gym, claims that “she just doesn’t run”, and hates being outside doing anything in nature. i’ve communicated about this time and time again. at times she gets a few days of motivation where she says she wants to get fit and i tell her that im here to support her to do that (as long as it’s done in a healthy manner) and reminder her that she’s perfect regardless. she quickly refuses to do any work that’s outside of her comfort zone. and it’s something that worries me as it relates to how that speaks about her character.
it’s not all bad however, she’s dealt with me all these years and im by no means an easy person. she’s stood by my side no matter what and has always willing to communicate once we get into it with any problem we have.
Flash forward to now, we’ve both got bachelors. she’s just got into a masters program and i’m applying for law school. So we decided to have the conversation. Where do we see each other in the next 5 years? and we more or less had similar timelines for the where wanted to be with school, work, saving, and moving in together. we both agreed that marriage was still the goal but then two topics came up that shifted the conversation. family and work.
She said she was 50/50 on kids, she liked the idea of a family but not having them. I told her i understood that fear but i do see myself wanting a family in the future and I need to know realistically where she leans. she said she did want to have a family and she wants all that with me but just the idea of having a child is not something she wants so she leaned towards no. I told her i understood and didn’t blame her or her fears but i did want kids. She then also mentioned that after her degree program she wanted to work/stud abroad and wanted us to move abroad together. i put my foot down and told her I couldn’t just get up and leave. my livelihood, career, and just about everything is here and losing it would mean losing everything i’ve worked for my entire life.
After the conversation, we said we needed some time to clear our thoughts and are going to talk again this week. However, i’m lost, for years i thought this would be my lifetime partner but suddenly with all these questions and seeing all these issues together i don’t know if im just looking at the black dot on the white piece of paper or if maybe it’s time i walk away. i feel guilty for even wanting to have kids now. I’ve been with this girl for years and can’t picture myself with anyone else. However, I can’t help but think of how all these attitudes and actions will impact my life in the years down the road. any advice?