High school sweethearts, now married and having daily anxiety attacks.
My husband \\\[28M\\\] and I \\\[27F\\\] were high school sweethearts and were together for years before getting married. I genuinely believed I knew him and that we would have a happy marriage. But ever since the wedding, I've felt increasingly unhappy, overwhelmed, and anxious.
Right after our wedding, we had to attend his cousin's wedding with his family. I have skin allergies and had been wearing heavy jewelry throughout all the wedding functions, so when we left, I forgot my mangalsutra at home. During that trip, I constantly received comments about what I should wear, how I should dress, and even that I shouldn't wear my glasses. I felt like I was being controlled and monitored all the time.
I became sick after the trip and asked my husband to drop me at my mother's house for a few days. Since it was winter, I was wearing hoodies and wasn't wearing any of my wedding jewelry. The next day, my father-in-law checked my purse without my permission, found my jewelry inside, called my mother to complain that I had gone to my parents' house without wearing my mangalsutra and bangles, and even came to my mother's house to bring those items so I could wear them.
My husband explained to his parents that I have skin allergies and don't like wearing heavy jewelry. They agreed in front of him, but when he wasn't around, their behavior was completely different.
A few days later, my husband's aunt and cousin visited unexpectedly. I had just returned from my best friend's engagement. They immediately commented that I finally looked like a newly married woman and started talking about buying me a new chooda and making sure I wore it for a year. My husband said he didn't want me to be forced to wear anything, but they just laughed it off.
Another incident that bothered me was when my mother called my father-in-law to wish him a happy birthday. Instead of simply talking to her, he started complaining that I don't cook and that my mother-in-law has to do all the work. The thing is, before the wedding, everyone knew I wasn't an experienced cook. I can do basic cooking, and I had even offered to help my mother-in-law in the kitchen when I first moved in, but she politely refused. Yet later, I was being criticized to my parents for not helping.
This pattern keeps happening. Things are rarely discussed directly with me. Instead, complaints are made to my parents or behind my back. Expectations seem to change constantly. I often feel judged no matter what I do.
My husband does defend me sometimes and tells his family to understand me. But when these situations continue and I become upset, he often gets frustrated and tells me to ignore it. I understand that he's caught between me and his family, but I often feel emotionally alone.
The hardest part is that I no longer feel the same connection with him that I felt before marriage. If I'm honest, the last time I truly felt happy, safe, and connected to him was before the wedding.
I'm currently unemployed and actively looking for work, but the constant rejections are affecting my confidence. At the same time, the stress at home has become so overwhelming that I've started experiencing anxiety attacks almost every day.
I've spent months wondering whether my unhappiness is mainly because of my in-laws, but when I imagine living separately from them, I still feel that the problems in my marriage would be overwhelming.
When I imagine getting a job, becoming financially independent, and living apart for a while, the feeling I experience most strongly is hope.
I don't know what that means. I don't know whether I need temporary space, marriage counseling, separation, or something else entirely.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you know whether your marriage could be saved or whether you needed to step away and focus on yourself?