Am I relapsing or am I just overthinking things??
I know that I should probably know but it doesn’t feel like last time, so some backstory: I had anorexia from age 13 until 16 and I recovered, now I’m 20 and I can see that I’m doing the same things I used to do last time but it’s almost like I’m subconsciously doing them instead of actively trying, last time I was always thinking about food and not eating, like every single minute of everyday was me thinking about calories and exercising etc, everything I was doing back then was a pre planned intentional thing, but I’m acting the way I did back then, a big thing I used to do was cook and bake all the time for everyone but myself because I loved seeing people eat and enjoy food because I “couldn’t” even though I hated cooking and still hate it but I have started cooking all the time and I’m making everyone around me loads of meals and baking sweet treats for everyone because I want to see people enjoy food and I feel like I can’t eat because my brain is saying I can’t because it was cause something bad, there is obviously a lot of other things I am doing but I was cooking earlier on and started realising that I’m doing the same things as last time, this is really hard to explain because I don’t feel like I have relapsed but my actions are saying otherwise, I thought having an eating disorder was about my mindset and last time my mindset was in that place but right now I honestly am not deliberately doing anything it’s kind of just happening and my mindset is not at all in that space and I thought I was fully recovered because I very rarely (and I mean very rarely) have any anxiety around food anymore, the past 2 years I’ve been eating all of my trigger foods with no problem but I’ve realised I can’t eat them and I don’t know why it’s not because I’m thinking about calories and salt etc I just get really queasy and feel sick when thinking, looking and smelling my old trigger foods, I’m just really confused and would like some input if possible, thank you for reading<3