Tw: 11 week miscarriage. Content may be considered graphic.
I have written this firstly as part of my healing process but secondly in case it helps another mumma out there know she's not alone. Sending all the love to anyone who has experienced a pregnancy loss no matter how far along x
At 11 week I lost our baby. 11 weeks of love. 11 weeks of dreams. 11 weeks of nausea, fatigue, food aversions, a swelling belly and tighter jeans.
3 days before, we found out you were a girl. A sister. A daughter. A niece. A granddaughter. You were, you are so so loved.
The bleeding started as light spotting. A pinkish tinge. Nothing to worry about, it happens in pregnancy. The next morning more blood. Just when I wiped. A call to health line who put me through to the virtual emergency department. A medical dr more focused on a miscarriage and the system rather then the mental and emotional health of my family. It was a long weekend. Early bleeding can be a sign of miscarriage she said, not that it definitely is that, she said. The process is to go to my GP and to get a referral for bloods and ultrasounds she said. If it is a miscarriage there is nothing they can do she said. No acknowledgement that I would have to wait 2 days for that GP appointment. No mention of any miscarriage support available. No mention on how much blood there would be, how painful it would be, how long I would bleed for or how my heart would completely break. No check in what supports I had. No consideration that I had an almost 2 year old to look after. Just go to ED if you bleed through 2 pads in an hour she said. That was it.
2 days of paralysing fear. 2 days of hope. 2 days see-sawing between the two. 2 days of trying to be normal for my son but also fearing to move, sit, stand walk incase something happened. Every bathroom stop, heart racing, silent prayers. Tears with blood, relief with a clean wipe. Maybe its just a subchorionic haematoma, maybe maybe...
The cramping stated. Lightly at first. Then nothing all day. It can still be normal I tell myself. I searched for stories of women who have lost a baby at 11 weeks so I knew what to expect. But I hope.
The night before cramping again. I know I'm loosing her but I hope. I make plans for a friend to be on standby to have my son the next day so we can book the ultrasound as soon as we've spoken to the GP. We never got the chance. 1.30 am the cramping intensifies. I wake my husband and get out of bed. A gush of blood. It's starting. I'm loosing her. 2.5 hours of bleeding - it ebs and flows out of me, heavy trickles and large clots. I think I've passed her, my husband puts on disposable gloves and tries to save her from the toilet. He thinks he found her and places her in a box for us to say our goodbyes later. For now there is only pain. I cry harder then I ever have before. My husband holds me and doesn't let me go. Thankful that my son is sleeping in his room and is not around to witness this. Thankful that for a short time, my husband is with me, present and grieving with me. They say its like a heavy period. It's not. The cramping continues throughout. There is more blood then I even knew was in my body. The emotional pain rips through my heart and tears it to pieces.
The bleeding slows. I go to bed. What else can I do. I sleep from exhaustion. I don't want to wake up.
The GP says its a suspected miscarriage until blood tests over 2 weeks can prove I'm no longer pregnant. I can't fault the GP, he is empathetic, kind, gentle, clear and provides contact details for miscarriage support services. He checks in on out mental health and makes sure both me and my husband are ok.
For the next 2 days I bleed. I'm told it takes up to 2 weeks before it will stop. I have more cramping. Panadol and heat packs help. Trying to be normal for my son, feeling tired, hurt, angry, deep sadness and sometimes just numb. We buy a rose bush and a pot to place our girl to rest. We say goodbye. I speak to a counsellor through a pregnancy loss support service. I join a Facebook group.
2 days later when I think its over. I am putting my son to bed. Giving him cuddles, keeping him close. Suddenly he is so much more precious then I realised. I'm cramping again. It becomes severe to the point where I'm silently crying. I ask my husband to take over and I rush to the toilet. Only light bleeding but intense pain. I'm crying, groaning it hurts. I move to the bed so I can curl up. The pain starts to become more intense and more frequent. I feel like I'm in labour. My husband comes as soon as my son is asleep. He gets me water and panadol. He gives me a massage. He tries to help. Just when we decide I need to go to the emergency department he helps back to the toilet. He's about to call a friend to see if she can come to look after our son. I get this urge to push. 3 clots come out of me. The pain subsides. There's a lot more blood. Maybe that was the moment I passed her. Maybe it wasn't. I'm exhausted and just need to sleep.
It's almost been a week now since I lost my baby girl. Every toilet break is a reminder, every giggle my son makes, every little girl at the park, every pregnant women I see, every baby on social media. I know I'll slowly heal. I know I am trying to put my heart back together. I know I will never be the same.
Rest well my beautiful girl. You are forever loved and forever in our hearts 💕