u/FryingClang

It's been almost 3 months since D day. We aren't together anymore but there's days when I torture myself comparing myself to him. For context I'm 27, she's 29, and the AP was 36.

I'm a shorter guy with soft features, more on the "feminine" side but with a decent build, strong chest that shows in most shirts and I have thick legs.

The AP is 5 inches taller, has a beard (I can't grow one), grey hair, eyebags, and more on the heavy side. On top of that he's a drug dealer.

During an argument she started talking about how "beautiful" my ex was, blaming me for everything, to which I insulted her AP's appearance and her decision to have sex with him, and she retaliated saying he had a wide back, and was more "endowed." That broke me.

She took it back and says she didn't mean it, all of that but I didn't believe her, the damage was done. Other girls have found me attractive, I'm good at sex I think, but her comments really destroyed my self esteem.

She would always say I was her type, and while trying to fix things she mentioned she had no idea why she was attracted to him, that it was more of his personality and charm, but none of that helped

Some days I feel okay, other days I get really low and wish I was "manlier" and taller but there's nothing I can do about it. I feel so much shame and feel demasculated

Title. She cheated and lied for about 3 months. I found out and it was a huge disaster. It was one of the lowest points I had ever had in my life.

I stayed still and for about 2 months I've been miserable. Intrusive thoughts, jealousy, anger, embarrassment. We went on a trip recently and on that trip she reconnected with an ex coworker.

She stayed the night with us and we ended up having a threesome. We had always been open to that idea and discussed what our boundaries and such were for years.

And now... I don't feel as bad as I used to? 90% of the pain and resentment is gone. I got to experience someone new just like she did. I lived out a crazy fantasy unexpectedly and it even feels like it was worth the pain?

I'm confused now. The pain is still there but it's a lot more dull. Maybe I'm still riding off the high of the experience? Just wanted to put this out there if anyone has experienced the same thing

3 months into us becoming official I caught her trying to invite an ex-coworker to stay the night, he rejected her. I always felt off about this guy and when I tried getting her to block him before we became official, she would get defensive.

Anyways, trust was destroyed, I wanted to leave, but she seemed genuinely apologetic.

She blocked, deleted him, love bombed me, said she wanted to start over, to give her a chance, that she knew I wouldn't trust her for a while and that I'd be upset, but that she loved me so much that she was willing to take it on the chin however long it took. It sounded like a good offer at the time, nothing physical actually happened (that I know).

I sighed, I stayed, and 5 years passed. We had a lot of great moments and made so many memories, traveled, worked towards our goals. But throughout these years I could never fully forget what she did. Good moments were constantly interrupted with thoughts of what she tried doing. Every I love you I thought, "then why did she try with this other guy?"

My friends all disliked her for that reason, one of my good buddies told me that people like her don't change and to be careful. I wanted to believe he was wrong so badly.

Last year she went on a cruise with her mom and her mom's coworkers. When she came back I questioned her about it due to the trust issues, she declined over and over, that she was just with her mom but I felt something was off. It took 8 months of asking until I accidentally found out she was hanging out with another guy the whole time on the cruise.

Trust broke again even worse, I cussed her out over this and said really bad things (first time I've ever done this to anyone). I was in this weird limbo state where I stayed and was detached, but from her reactions things didn't get physical and she sounded like she hated him. He was the only one there her age so that's why they hung out. I stayed again. I was getting even more exhausted, and so was she with the constant reassurance.

Another incident, one day her and her mom were belittling me for not having enough money to pay for the whole table. I was in school and budgeting. And the mom was calling me a bum. So I decided to just leave, well they came chasing after me, I got in my car, and was reversing slowly. My ex stupidly got in the back of the car, I reversed slowly, foot always on the brake. She almost tripped at one point and they were begging me to come back.

That situation was then framed as me trying to run her over, and was used against me over and over.

Flash forward to this year, I found out she had sex with another man on New Years (10 years older) while I was hanging out with my little sister (I took her to watch stranger things with me in theaters). She tried with him but he rejected a relationship 3 months after this happened and parted ways with her. For 4 months she hid this from me. I never suspected it, all while we slept together, she hung out with my family and I, was talking about our future, etc. absolutely no shame

And well, here we are. 5 years went by, my friend was right, people like her don't change. Things escalated until they finally got physical and a part of me wishes that I should have just left much earlier to avoid feeling the pain I'm currently going through. I feel like an idiot, but this was my first real long term relationship and I feel like I've learned a lot from it.

She blamed me for the affair, for cussing her out when I found out about the cruise, for "trying to run her over," and other dumb things, constant deflecting, zero accountability, zero remorse, she told her coworkers my constant questions were annoying, her mom told me I was crazy for digging, that I should just forget it and forgive her daughter if I actually loved her, that she forgave me for trying to run over her daughter so I should do the same, she acted like a completely different person but a person I recognized at the start of the relationship.

She told me she told her friends I found out, but she immediately said it was because I tried running her over and cussed her out so somehow they're on her side.

She turned into the same person that was defensive about blocking the guy I didn't like. She came back all these years later but even more vicious. I thought about reconciliation, but being around her was a constant reminder of what she did so I finally left for my own mental health.

Oh and get this, when I found out she started to freak out where she knew she would lose me, so to avoid being alone guess who she tried contacting? She drunk called the same guy she tried cheating on me with at the beginning. He rejected her again.

My dream is just to find someone someday who respects me, and who I can trust. So that I can know what it's like to fully love someone without something like betrayal constantly hanging in the air. I know I have to work on myself first, I'm broken and don't have the energy or confidence to be with someone else. My health declined, I started eating poorly, gained weight, I can barely recognize myself at times due to the toll this all took on me

Update: she sent a letter wanting me back. That she's extremely lonely and feels a void I used to fill that I was her best friend, and wants to start over stronger.

I think the old me would have folded but I see it clearly as a cry for help, because she just doesn't want to be alone. If she loved or respected me she wouldn't have put me through this

I found out she cheated mid semester. My mind has been a wreck since then and my ability to pay attention has significantly decreased.

I'm still going to pass. My original plan was to take a summer class, to speed up graduation and all of that. I'm 27 so I really just want to get the ball rolling faster.

After getting cheated on, common advice is to work on your future goals, hence the class.

But I also have an opportunity to travel with my friends and I can only choose one option.

Would it be best to postpone the class and possibly graduation to just take that trip and have some fun? Half my family says to take the class, and get my career going faster, the other says to go and have fun

My friends are even pushing me to go to the gym with them all week leading up to that trip in 2 months, to look our best. Another friend is pushing me to take the class with him and is talking about how we need to get our lives started

Update to a previous post.

Ex got her new house, I'm finishing school, we were supposed to move in but I found out she was having sex with a drug dealer 10 years older than her. He friend zoned her. We were together 5 years

This took place from January to April, they met on new years. I found out march 20th.

My life turned on its head. I left originally but she slowly brought me back. I was cautious and gave it another chance to see what it would be like. It was HELL.

I was constantly on edge. Wondering if she was where she actually said she was. I'd wake up in cold sweats. Constant Nightmares. At first I was having manic sex but after a while it slowly wore off and the intrusive thoughts with her and the AP kept coming back to me. I felt gross. I had panic attacks for the first time.

One instance she told me she was spending the night with her mom who was depressed. She was actually with him. Another she told me she was sleeping early, she was with him

Anyways it was the first I was ever truly cheated on so i wondered what reconcilation would look like. I would do chores around her new house and my mind was constantly thinking, "why am I doing this for someone who was with another man?" Normally I would have been happy to help her.

There were good moments but they felt tainted. As for reconcilation attempts she was making herself the victim to everyone so I seemed like the bad guy. She didn't want to block him either but I stupidly stayed, wondering if she would choose me..when I realized it was called the pick me dance I stopped doing it.

She would panic, say I didn't love her, would hate her forever, would panic call me.

More truth came, she even met his parents and spent the night with him. I asked for more details and I felt so nauseous that I went to the trash can and started throwing up.

We got into a fight, she was deflecting, she called her mom to defend her, wasnt taking accountability for past actions, it was so much I finally left. I told her that what she did was just something I could never forget about.

I finally blocked her. I can not imagine having to live in that constant state of stress and worry for years. I loved this woman so much, I've never felt pain like this before in my life.