I hate this job so so much. I got my degree in music education with a minor in disability studies. I’m autistic and have had a lifelong physical disability. I got my degree with the intent of being a music teacher who was well versed in teaching children who might struggle with specific learning disabilities or physical disabilities because I believe that a good music educator adapts to her students and doesn’t just accept one kind of student. I was discouraged and looked down on so often in my career as a musician because of my disabilities and I wanted to give back by being the teacher I needed.
I moved to southern CA for better gigs and started doing para work while waiting for my credential transfer to be approved. My first week I was hit and bitten by students while the other staff watched without giving me so much as a heads up. I was told that I would be “trained on the job”. I started sobbing at the end of my first week after a student beat on my chest because I just felt so overwhelmed. I have PTSD and dealt with thrown objects, physical abuse, unsafe environments my whole life. It felt like I’d moved across the country to escape this only to find myself right back in it.
To this day have received absolutely no CPI training yet am continuously placed in mod-severe environments with aggressive behaviors. I quit my district job to work for an agency as soon as I got my credential because it allowed me to accept substitute teacher roles instead of only para roles.
I wish I’d never told these agencies I was previously a para. I am RARELY booked or requested for teaching roles despite being requested back often and given great reviews from the schools I do sub at (I have a couple teachers who do specifically request me and that is the only time I’ll be placed in teaching roles). The agency went from giving me work nearly every day to me going weeks without hearing from them, my emails ignored, etc. So the only time I’m booked with them now is when teachers I’ve subbed for before specifically request me.
So obviously I started working for a second agency because I have rent and bills to pay. During onboarding they asked my preferences and were understanding of what I expressed - that I was mostly interested in teaching roles, but that I wasn’t opposed to para roles as long as I am not dealing with severe/aggressive behaviors because I’m not comfortable dealing with them, don’t have the proper training, and have health issues that make it very difficult for me to keep up physically.
They seemed so understanding of this and said that absolutely works. My first shift comes. I’m told I won’t be dealing with aggressive students. Within 5 minutes of me arriving in the classroom I’m randomly attacked by a student I hadn’t even met yet. By lunch I was experiencing vertigo, nausea, a migraine, and my blood glucose kept plummeting despite all the glucose tabs I kept eating (I’m T1D). I called my agency and they apologized profusely and said it wouldn’t happen again and that they’d update my preferences. I stuck it out for the day but ended up not able to eat or do anything physically exerting for an entire day afterwards because I felt so ill.
The next placement I worked at was also described to me as “not having any severe behaviors or aggression.” I get to the classroom and ALL of the staff are subs. First red flag. The sub teacher immediately starts warning me about which students to avoid because they will bite, kick, hit, etc (which I appreciated so much). Second red flag. I thanked her and mentioned that my agency had told me that I wouldn’t be dealing with any severe behaviors and she laughed and said she’s sick of these agencies lying. I tried to stick the day out but I ended up needing to leave right after lunch because I was so stressed out and nervous that all the symptoms of nausea, vertigo, hypoglycemia just hit full force again. The staff was completely understanding and once I explained that I was experiencing health issues (T1D on top of adrenal insufficiency that my doctors are still trying to find the cause of) they told me if there’s a day for me to leave early, it was that day because the staff was entirely subs and the class was the worst they’d ever seen it.
I’ve been avoiding picking up any roles unless they specifically state what level behaviors/classroom I’ll be in. Most districts just put out blanket requests that list all of the levels and in every instance I’ve accepted those I’ve been placed in the most severe placement. Unfortunately this means I end up having to drive about an hour to work and an hour and a half back if I want to work in less severe placements. I can’t help but feel like a failure for not being able to handle more and it’s frustrating because I’m suffering financially too.
The good news? I just got hired to teach and run drumlines at three different schools in the area (which is exactly one of the things I moved here for) and I’ll finally be able to actually go back to doing and teaching what I love and using my degree for what it’s actually meant for. I’ll be getting paid more than enough to cover my rent, bills, and then some. I’ll be able to get my ELL as well which has been the main obstacle in getting a district music teaching position.
The bad news? I don’t actually start getting paid for these gigs until July (marching band season doesn’t start until June) and I still need to make a living in the meantime. So my only option is working for these agencies. I genuinely dread going to work. I’m going through some health issues that are making me constantly exhausted and I have to deal with so many doctor’s appointments on top of everything. Which also means I’m losing money because I need to take off for appointments. I can’t accept most roles because doing so would be almost a guarantee that I’ll need to leave early or end up being bedridden for a day afterwards because of the toll on my body. I know I only have to do this for 2 more months, but I feel so trapped and I don’t know how I’m supposed to make it until then, and pay my rent, and go to these doctor’s appointments and labs, and afford groceries.
I just absolutely hate my life right now even though I know it’s about to get exponentially better. I don’t know how I’m going to make it to the finish line. I feel like I can’t even be happy that I’m finally going to be doing what I want to do because I’m just trying to survive the now.