TLDR: I currently have no use of any substance (alcohol, caffeine, nicotine etc), have no daily habit, any hard-leaning philosophical or political thought, I crave zero dopamine from any external stimulus anymore, and I am not even religious, and it all happened naturally through a life-time of 28 years, and I just found myself in this position one day: With no yearning left in me; but instead a calm presence washing over me. As if I hit "respawn" in the game of life, and reborn with clear headspace. Ask me anything: least I can do is share my humble view from here.
All my life since early childhood, I had strange inclination to embrace and love everything, and do it at the sacrifice of myself to really drive in the point.
One of my most striking early memories is: I had good collection of Kinder toys at around age 7, and there was this new series of ghosts that was fluorescent and gave light at night, I had gathered up nearly all dozen of them, and I loved them. One day, to a moms' gathering that I went with, brought my ghosts with me to play; and there was this little girl, around the same age as me, that also loved my ghosts, as we played together: When it was time to leave, I got this weird feeling and thought that "think of how much happiness you could bring into the world, by giving your ghosts to this girl; you played enough times with them: from now on you will only grow attached to them very selfishly, immorally, let go, let the goodness spread."
Just to make it clear: the girl was too shy and little to have manipulated me; and we were of low-income family at the time, and my mom was not a very driven person to advocate such thing, or force me to be that way. She asked me multiple times, "are you sure, are you sure", because she was baffled too: Those were my, highest valued toys, in a meager toy box.
But I did it. I proven myself at that age: That I can be better than my base instincts, I can be a role model for people, and inspire them. I have it in me to be my best..
Primary school was a disaster compared to this wholesome memory: From the same base inclinations, I decided to be a role model student, never cursing, never being unruly, never cheating or giving cheats.. And in the public school of a low-income neighborhood: Values of my stocks were dipping among my peers; and that is compared to the peak I have seen in my family circles, always being complimented for my good behaviour...
In time, I made peace with this dissonance: Like a daredevil's adrenaline, I even developed a taste, to be counter-culture in the most goody-two-shoes way! My peers were enjoying lots of unhealthy snacks? I would never grow a taste for such uncouth nourishment! My peers were demanding of new clothes at the expense of their parents? I would never stoop so low to be a unnecessary burden to my family! I made no friends. My mom was overprotective, so I was stuck in my room not let out. With nothing but books to read and toys to play heroic scenarios over and over again of the highest sacrifices the horsey would make for the animal kingdom (Spirit 2002 was my favorite). As if I was in a video game simulation, all my circumstances was engineered to get me more and more leaning into philosophical and ethical thinking, even though I could argue I had already little too much unwarranted emotional intelligence to my dismay.
If I was not so curiously engaged with the world, and the world had not a deep philosophical history: I could have made a perfect engineer or doctor, just intellectually minding my business. But it was not so, and I discovered asceticism at the end of middle-school, going into high school: It was more of the Anatolian approach for me, (I am from Turkey) not Hindu, coming from the Sufism tradition mainly of Yunus Emre, and focused on not the religious side of it, but more on the passionate side of it with signature aspect of Limerence for God. Majnun from the old mystic tale of Leyla and Majnun, was my new mental-goals.
This path made me open up to the idea of unrigid love, that can go beyond the boundaries of our worldly appearances and momentary existence. Now, even the most rude, aggressive, selfish student in my class, was deserving of my love; and if I couldn't find that love in me, something was wrong with me, not the other way around. This was also the point where my studies felt less and less important: While 3 years ago I would get 1st place in my city (1-2m pop), now I could not even hit the highest level high school to enroll.
Through high-school: Which was the first time I finally was surrounded with people in my age, whom are on the same intellectual frequencies as me; I let my path get inspired by more secular friends. Now I was not just writing poetry to express my passion, I was writing essays with logic and thesis statements: I was now truly blossoming into being a worldly person, that can go the extra distance of looking at myself and change, rather getting stuck in my ways..
And quickly, this new unlocked skill turned into a prioritized benchmark for me:
- World was big, so much to learn and know, I can't get stuck in a specific position of thought.
- I couldn't afford to take sides, spend time and effort entrenching myself defending single angle: That will get you slowed, that angle is sure to erode in time and reveal its flaws.
- If I want to keep up with the whole world, as it deserves: I need to let go of my biases and tendencies; go objective, and wide, and varied as much as I can.
I started to have trouble reading books, sinking that much time into a single story. Instead I leaned more into video games, their world-building and choice driven story-building: In a pure mathematical sense, from time consumed to experience gained ratio, video-games felt like the obvious choice. They were basically the most immersive simulation for many possibilities, and artistic mind-states and creative ideas. Think of it like Neo, learning kung-fu through upload straight into brain.
As almost a side effect, I grew to be more idealist and romantic: Romanticising the pursuit for ideal form of mind-state a human can have, fully harmonizing itself with the whole universe. In college I had this idea "the most moral way to be, would be to turn into statue: Completely letting everything play out as is. Because of the true understanding acceptance of the totality of existence, and the wisdom it brings." Of course: This is not the ultimate answer, but it took me a while, years after college, to shake it off in good measure.
Now by the last year in college, I had developed a paralysing epistemic conscience: I could not do my assigned projects, not even write essays in time. Because the idea of being fair to the utmost, to everything, had taken over my ability to non-chalantly write about anything. I had become one with my ethical philosophy, and I had no incentives to separate from it: In my mind's eye, I was being honest, and hard-working, and passionate about existence as is, and that is what mattered... In the end I dropped out, it coincided perfectly with covid, and at my last year with 160kredit already passed, I dropped out of Hacettepe English Language Literature, a little prestigious department for Turkey.
Then, started the arduous trekking. I was on the fast asphalt road till then, living inside the systems guard-rails: But now the road has ended, it was a climb to the peak; and it felt like, the peak was in me. I had already conquered all that mattered, I could let go of everything, embrace everything as is, with love, understanding, empathy, courage. An unending capacity to have put everything in my mind, fairly as everything deserved, with no leaning: And that leaving me no space in me, to just be me. I had achieved ego-death, without knowing what would it truly mean: And it was not what a part of me hoped for.
I was hoping, feeling like an ancient greek philosopher, walking in the city street with the confidence of a man, mastered their own selves. I was hoping, the whole world would open like a channel for a river, that would be my path in life: and it could take me effortlessly. Instead, for years upon years, I found myself in an uphill battle of more and more and more exploration and discovery, on the internet from my parent's home. Educating myself, more and more through pure intellectual interest and curiosity, spread too thinly to mean anything useful; playing more and more indie video-games to see the art develop in the most unexpected, sur-real ways and to absorb it like an alien mind, to watch and follow the cultural milestones, watching cult-classics and getting more informed about as many as sub-cultures...
I never smoked, drank some alcohol in my freshmen years out of curiosity of the life-style, I completely phased out of it after college, never got into drinking coffee, never took drugs, did not like sugar, no gambling, no-religious fanaticism, no political-staunchness, nothing unforgiven to get myself amped up by an ambitious underdog plotline, no giving in to the pressure from friends and family to get my own family, or earn money just to spend, no role-model figures in history perfect enough to steer me into become of their mold: I got perfectly stabilised, with no real want or excitement anymore. I had become a buddhist monk in nearly every way, without being a buddhist.
The only things that were keeping me from becoming truly feather-weight: Was my masturbation habit couple times a week, and my un-stoppable interest in the new and up-coming movies-games-science articles. These last 11 weeks, I went into a dopamine diet, to write another novel. I gave up on all my daily enjoyable easy comfortable habits, I learned to survive on just highly curated, hour a day, youtube content: like kurzgesagt, restisscience, dailyshow and dropout.tv. And in the end I have moved on from video-games and masturbation too, with a finished script.
Now what I see in myself, when I look in the mirror: is as if I have respawned. I have really nothing left to yearn in me, nothing I can't do without. This feels like tabula-rasa, I have heard so much about in theories, of a supposed child's mind. And to be honest: it kind of happened on its own, I did not race my way into this point with clarity, I just wanted to give my best mind and my best heart to the universe, as it deserved. And when I observe, detached, I feel like maybe I went a little too far in general: But the results I got, partially is also what a lot of people seeks and want to see in themselves.
A few quick tips to get similar fast results with smallest efforts of my "respawning":
- Willpower ain't shit, compared to your brain's pleasure centres: Biologically we are engineered to seek the easy paths. What can truly over-ride this tendency, is not a calm-stoic approach to life, or spiteful dead-set ambition: First one will get you disappointed in yourself, other one will get you disappointed about the world after all is said and done. It is the childish stubborn joy, that is the key: Very similar to Nietzsche's idea of Camel-to-lion-to-child. You need to have a good value, a good moral compass, you can hold onto very firmly, like a child would hold onto its toy: (in hindsight, when I gave up on my ghost toys at 7: my real toy was the life itself, and my accomplishments in it, it was fun to play with world like that!) As you hold onto those values, an innocent stubborn spirit will be born to protect it, that is your main defense against baser instincts. Think of it like a a space-ships forcefield: It is easier to replenish than ship's hull, and more cost-effective to take a beating.
You don't want to see yourself torn like: "I want that, but I want that too!" Decide on your favorite toy, and let the joy of being with it, fight against the whole world to protect it. Let no one convince you there is a shinier toy out there: All my life, I knew the truth at its core, would be the only thing that would satiate my hungry soul; not any facades or lies, I never let anyone or anything get between me and my pursuit for the truths.
- Be most loyal unto thyself. Loyalty to self doesn't mean to be selfish, if you are not selfish at your heart. And even if you are so, then maybe your life's satisfaction will not come by forcing out someone else: truly, the world can afford to have another selfish person, just be yourself and universe will be glad to have you too. Your neighbors sure will complain though: but that would be the cost you would be ready to pay.
Nonetheless most of us are not selfish at our hearts, we are social creatures. Loyalty to yourself, means to stick up for your thoughts, stand by your emotions and feelings: All the universe will ever have, is only one of you; does not make lick of sense for you to acquiesce of yourself any easily. Now that is kind of hypocritical, this coming from me: But I'd say, from another angle, this is me at my most-self; to be the ultimate acquiescer of the universe, so good at it, and so fairly divided, that all the things I acquiesce to actually neutralize themselves; and I turn out to be a very unique me in the middle of it all, instead of being drawn around left and right, thankfully.
Be yourself! Don't give up on it! That will mean of course picking your battles, growing and adapting: just as loyalty to a partner does not mean you become a slave to them, loyalty to yourself won't mean being a slave to your first thoughts popping up.
In practice: This will mean, not to have over-arching all en-compassing big attachments to things outside of yourself; like a political propaganda, or religious zeal, or even that one cool guy that seems chill and seem to know their stuff.. Anything and everything, is not you, they are bound to go away in time, only thing permanent is you; always be on the look-out for manipulation towards yourself, always be on the look-out for things taking over your life, and whether if you start to feel like a limb to another mind.
- Stop with certainties. What we have as foundation for our reality, is quicksand: Sooner you accept this, the better. When you reset yourself, and beat out your addictions, the world won't turn great overnight; and if you get stuck in your addictions, it is not the end of the world just might be the end of you, and you have just a small part to play anyway. Stop expecting things from the world, with absolute certainty, let go of your biases... Now think on this for 3 seconds.
Well, that was a small test: When I said "if you get stuck, it is not the end of the world, you have a small part to play anyways" The protector of stubborn joy, your inner child's alarm bells should have gone ding! ding! ding! While this might be true from a ceratin angle: Do not let anyone tell you that! Only you can decide to see it like that, when the time is right, after you have played your big part: As your joy will affirm!
So your favorite toy you decided earlier: That gets a pass from uncertainty detection, because that is vital to be, to exist as you. But the rest, it still applies: all quick sand. Do not let nothing tie you down, the things deserving of your time and effort: will not tie you but free you instead.
And that's it... Now: I don't know what the hell am I supposed to do. Just sit down and meditate I guess...