Day 1.
I’ve tried many times to do this. This is not the first day 1 but I hope it’ll be the last.
What can I say ? First bet when I was 10, wish nobody ever introduced me to this poison. Betting compulsively since I was 18. Lost probably 20k these last 18 months.
Half of it was a student loan, the other half was meant to pay off the loan. By the way… i actually left this job a few weeks ago. Things around me haven’t been alright in a long time. I’m talking about family, friends, relationships… didn’t help me through it.
Started therapy… should call it robbery. Might lose more money to it then actually throwing money on useless bets till 6AM. I don’t know, talking same crap everytime to different specialists hasn’t been helping me… i wonder why ?
I guess I just love sabotaging myself. I love seeing me struggle, it’s just masochism. I just can’t understand how my brain got so fucked up that the only thing he wants is just hurting himself.
I really feel I am playing against an inner villain that is just too good to beat. I’d hope I could just beat it up ‘til I can’t breathe anymore. Unfortunately I can only watch it tear my mental and physical health apart. I can just stand there passively while my body is literally dying.
Psychology is crazy.
At this point I’m really thinking about suicide being the only solution. Only way to defeat this sick brain would be to actually shut it down… forever. Maybe at this point, it’ll only remain peace and quiet in my mind. Would be great after so long.
I wish someday people allowing this will pay for all the evil they’ve done. Every year it’s thousands of gamblers commiting suicides, hundreds of thousands attempting it and probably millions planning it. Actually, there is no punishment that could satisfy all of the bad they’ve caused. I’m invaded of anger, sadness, shame. I really hope on day these people will pay the price of all the harm they caused.
Still, I’ll give myself one last shot. One last attempt to try and come back to 0. I just want to start a new life. Be able to appreciate normal things in life without having to check a damn score every fucking 5 minutes. Going back to a normal rhythm. Sleeping at regular hours. Getting a fucking job, a fucking place to live in and fucking goals. Goals. Goals. GOALS. This is the key. I think. I guess. I hope.
I’d love to become a FM in Chess. I’d love to make money with my passion in SEO and launch a business into it. I’d love to have a greek sculpted body. I’d love to be a good swimmer. I’d love to be good overall in all the sports. I’d love to be able to dance. I’d love to be able to be a mastermind at talking. I’d love to travel all over the world. I’d love to have my own restaurants one day. I’d love to make things change. I’d love to enter the octagon one day. I’d love to serve in the french marine one day. I’d love to have a big house one day. I’d love to have kids one day. I’d love to have the car of my dream. I’d love to buy myself a red Vespa. I’d love to be able to make the best barbecues. I’d love to play Fifa Pro Club one last time with my longtime friends. I’d like to be constant in what I say and do.
Anyways, the biggest gift I could make to myself is actually staying away from sports betting. I could stay there writing for hours. It helps me coping with the pain. Actually, it literally makes me not think about it. I don’t know if anybody is going to read all of this. It’s definitely not as well written as a novel nor as interesting as a David Fincher movie.
Who knows maybe this will help somebody ? At least I feel this is helping me, writing about my problems actually helps me release the pressure and I get this light feeling. Maybe it’s because I need to sleep as well… I Guess.
This is just a personal journal. I will try to update it everyday before going to sleep I’ll write all the crazy stuff that comes out of my mind. If you don’t see any updates well probably it’ll mean that I failed and that I gave into my addiction one more time. Every comment, opinion, thought is welcome ! I’ll be happy to read it.
Is there even a word limit to this ? I’m just seeing right now how much crap I’ve wrote. Anyways, this was day 1.