I M21 and my partner F22 get into fights every month about her questioning my loyalty and its starting to encroach on my mental health because I know I am loyal. May I have some advice on how to reassure her that I am just stupid and rarely realize that there are other interpretations to my actions?
Okay I'll give everyone a quick run down. We are both college students and honestly things usually go great between us. Like, I'd say we are happy for the most part but there are these random moments out of the blue where she is really really convinced that I no longer like/love her and that I am actively considering other options.
For context, this all started one time where I we were together and one of my friends who is a girl reached out regarding stuff. I messaged her back and I guess I dwelled a bit too long on the convo that my girlfriend thought that I was making her have to share time/attention with someone else. I clarified that the problem being discussed was something purely academic but she wasn't having it. Our argument spanned a few days and I got so stressed out that I ended the friendship with my friend and completely cut her off from all socials (I know I am probably a dick for doing that but this is my first ever relationship and I have no clue what I am doing and every sign of danger makes me panic and act irrationally). Next, she took issue with people that I followed on socials and the type of content I interact with. For context, I am a massive fan of art/unique aesthetics and that type of content is usually explained/posted by women and I found out that she hates that because in a way I am able to start comparing her to other women????
I try so hard everyday to show to her that she is incredible and that she is the only girl that matters in my life. I completely eradicated all my socials of all mutuals who are women, even if they were long time friends, or even former/current classmates. I was the one who pushed for us to have Life360 so that she can see where I am at all times. I also proposed that she can go through all of my social media inboxes and text messages just for her peace of mind (to which she disagreed because she "trusts me"). I stay in calls with her nearly 24/7 so that she can see what I am doing and I can see her too. I do my best to plan fun activities for us to do together (play games, watch movies and others). I help her as much as I can with her academic projects. I check in on her and how her day went. I really did so much and as much as I could even though I am also a student. Heck, I snuck my car out of the house without my parents knowing so that we could watch a movie together that she really wanted to see, and that was the first time I have ever done that. I show up with random gifts. I have a whole 25 page Google Document of all the things she likes, dislikes and stuff that I noticed triggers her.
As for what I think is happening, I know for a fact that she doesn't have a good home life. She is at odds with her own parents and both of 2 siblings. Basically, she feels like a slave within her own household. Her friends, whom I have met, are also kind of 2-faced and like to talk about each other behind whoever isn't around's back. She was also cheated on in her past relationship. All of this coincided to make her depressed to the point of being suicidal.
Regarding her mental health, I have exhausted literally every avenue I can to try and help her. She can't afford to seek therapy by herself since that would require funding from her family. She tried multiple of our school counselors but she felt like they just didn't care about her since she needed to keep reminding them of her feelings and experiences. As a result, I reached out to one of my old professors who has a long standing career in Psychology for help and my professor directed me to quite a few of her colleagues who would be willing to do it for free. My girlfriend felt bad that I even had to do that so she refused the help.....
What I am getting at here is that the perfect storm of circumstances happened and I feel like everything is slipping away since she tried breaking up with me TWICE now but I convinced her to stay. She even forgot that she even tried the first time. I had a breakdown during the 2nd breakup attempt and admittedly I cried really hard while in a call begging her to stay and let me figure things out. Now, that is why I am here. I don't know what's left for me to figure out since she is holding past mistakes against me that I have long since addressed while providing her literal hard-factual-material evidence as reassurance that if she just took the time to look at. She just said that if ever I do something wrong again even unknowingly, she'll just leave.
I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I developed a mild heart-condition from the stress, and constant worry (I developed an Arrythmia and Early Repolarization). I love her a lot and I know that I am the only place where she is able to find peace and that if for some reason I am no longer in the picture, then that's her life done. She already made an attempt and I was just fortunate enough to see the shift in how she was texting for me to intervene and ground her again. I just don't know what to do! I feel like I utterly failed her because of me not being able to see how certain actions could convince her that she was no longer important!