Angry/sad post as a ftm 27y 1m pp
I’m 27 and have a 7 week old baby girl. I honestly feel like I’m losing myself and I need advice because I don’t know what to do anymore.
My relationship was already high stress during pregnancy. There was constant arguing, crying, jealousy, controlling behavior, and disrespect. I tried to leave multiple times while pregnant, but every time I did he would stop me somehow. He took my car keys before, disabled spare keys because he’s a locksmith, and I wasn’t allowed to work during pregnancy so now I’m financially dependent and drained.
I gave birth naturally with no pain medication. Labor was hard but manageable and I recovered physically pretty quickly, but emotionally things have gotten so much worse since having the baby.
Since our daughter was born, I’ve basically been taking care of her alone. I’m breastfeeding, bottle feeding, waking every 2 hours, doing almost all diaper changes, comforting, burping, everything. I’m running on almost no sleep. Meanwhile he spends hours fishing, sleeps most of the day afterward, and barely helps unless I beg. Sometimes he’ll be gone all night into the next morning and still come home too tired to help with the baby.
He doesn’t work a regular jobs its on call and up to him if he wants to but he hasn’t worked much maybe 1-3 days out the week usually for a couple hours since
I can count on one hand the amount of times he’s watched her for a few hours so I could sleep. Even then, he usually leaves or gives her back quickly.
He also still pressures me for sex even when I say I don’t want to, even though I’m still recovering postpartum and emotionally exhausted.
The relationship has become physical now too. Yesterday I went outside to my car because I finally got access to one of my keys again. He tried forcing me back inside, grabbed me by my clothes and arms, pinned me against a wall, and dragged me while holding onto me. When I fought back and went back toward the car, he came outside holding our baby screaming at me.
His family has heard us argue and knows how he treats me. My family mostly doesn’t know because I’ve kept everything to myself besides my sister hearing some arguments over the phone.
I feel angry all the time now. Depressed too. I dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts when I was younger because of an abusive home growing up, and being in this situation now makes me feel ashamed and trapped. I barely recognize myself anymore.
I don’t want my daughter growing up around screaming, control, and physical fights. I don’t want this to become normal for her.
I guess I’m posting because I need outside perspective. Is this abuse? How do you even begin leaving when you have a newborn, no money, no support nearby, and the other parent keeps stopping you from leaving?