u/Imaginary-Buy-6853

My first time getting touched w/o permission was when I was 6 or 5. Back then I didn't know what he was doing so I let it. H was  kissing me. Idk what age I am when I was touched for the 2nd time. He made me touch his thing. The third time was 5th grade , he grabbed my belly and chest, and made fun of it calling me fat. Then I was in 9th grade when j groped me, thankfully nothing happened more than touching. The next was him again but he touched me and more this time. At first I did not know how to respond that's why I stayed still and let him—my mistake. Then I tried to stop him when he put his thing inside me. He kept on going while I kept saying "that's enough", "stop it", " It hurts". He stopped only when I threatened to tell somebody. After that I felt nothing, numb, like I'm not in my own mind and body. I felt out of it the next day. 2 Days after that, the guilt and disgust crept within me. I felt disgusted with my own skin. I cannot touch nor sleep properly because of what happened. I blamed myself for not fighting harder. I blamed myself for having to put up with it. I blamed myself for still laughing with him the next few days, having to still smile and keep quiet. I told somebody, they demanded me to tell my parents. And now I told my mom, until now she's mad. At who? Idk. I feel like she's mad at me because I didn't fought harder. From then on, my body stopped feeling like mine. I feel like I'm in someone else's. Every time I have to take a bath, I feel disgusting and dirty. The thoughts of "who would love me anymore? " Started coming often. How do I move on from this?