u/Independent-Song-988

On May 5th, I celebrated one of the most miserable days of my life; the day when I was born. I hate growing older. I got flipped off during my birthday. God must hate me, he makes every part of the year incredibly miserable. I wish I wasn't alive, I fucking hate all of this. I haven't told anyone in real life, because I'm too socially awkward to. I have nothing worth living for. I don't know what's the point of a birthday is if all it does is make you feel shittier.

I don't do much outside of school, my grades fell. I don't shower when I don't need to. My family asks me questions, I just reply. When people want a reaction out of me, I just do the same face, the one I practice over and over. I'm not happy, and I can't think of a future where I will. I've accepted that I'll physically die doing some 9 to 5, without kids because I'm ugly. I don't feel anything outside of sadness and existential dread.

I've been considering suicide for the past 3 years. I've been a miserable piece of shit, and I deserve it. I'm literally the most annoying person you could find on earth. I fucking hate this shit, my body tortures me by letting me wake up. I'm too much of a pussy to kill myself and that makes me go longer through this painful hell of "existence". Every year I only feel more shittier. I'm so fucking tired of this, nobody will ever listen or comfort me. It's very hard when you're rich enough to feel guilty that you're sad. I mean, why should I be suicidal when there are homeless people out there much more miserable than me? It makes me so isolated to the point where I don't even try to speak up for myself. I've never tested for anything since birth, I'm probably depressed or something. I wish I had the guts to ask someone for help.

I cannot live a single day without thinking about my ideal partner. I wish she was real, I cannot stop thinking about scenarios that will never happen. I've never left my country, it's because I'm broke; I wish I could go to Oregon. I'm depressed, and the only thing I have is my online friends, which are 3. I found the other 2 through the first, but they don't really like me due to my degeneracy. I've been bullied and outcast in school. I need help, 13 M.