Last week I moved out of our home and into my parents’ home with my two primary school-aged children.
For the past 5 years I’ve asked, cried, and begged my husband of 20 years to cut back his drinking. He consistently tells me it’s not a big deal, that I’m overreacting, or that I’m nagging. Last year I gave him an ultimatum — stop drinking or lose your family — but I didn’t follow through, and nothing changed.
What finally pushed me to act was something my specialist said at my annual appointment. She pointed out that I come back every year upset about the same issue and asked if I want to feel like this again next year.
The weekend we moved out, he went on a bender. He has also said that if I take the kids away from him, he might take his own life.
He drinks every day. Sometimes just a few wines, some days it's a bottle or 2 of wine. He’s intoxicated in front of the kids at least twice a week. He’s not aggressive — but he becomes repetitive, follows me around, slurs his words, and stumbles. I end up being the only stable adult in the house when it happens. My children notice. They say things like “Dad’s drunk again” and “Go to bed, Dad.” That’s been really awful and not the childhood I want for them.
The part I struggle with most is that when he’s sober, he’s genuinely kind, loving, and patient. And when he's drunk he's not aggressive. That’s what keeps me feeling stuck. But he doesn’t acknowledge there’s a problem and dismisses how much it affects me. At times he’s even suggested my reaction is due to perimenopause.
I don’t know if he can change, especially when he doesn’t believe there’s a problem. He says he'll cut down but I don't think that's enough.
Do I let go of the hope that he will give up alcohol?
I feel incredibly sad, confused, and lost, and I would really appreciate hearing from others who have been in a similar place. This isn't how I expected my life would be.