u/Interesting-Car-1261

Today I found out that my neighbor — who has been out of a 10-year relationship for maybe six months at most — is happy again and is going to become a father. And I’m genuinely incredibly happy for him; we’re friends. Yes, men and women can be friends.

But it also reminded me how often we stay too long in relationships that do not fit us — men and women alike. Deep down, many of us already know after two months that something is wrong, yet we stay for years hoping the other person will change.

Then children come into the picture, and everything becomes even more complicated — including finding someone new if you eventually do want to leave.

I often wonder whether people would be happier if we had not romanticized “struggle love” so much. What if we could simply admit respectfully after a reasonable amount of time that things are not working, before children and shared responsibilities make it so much harder?

Can we normalize leaving when, after an appropriate amount of time, there is still no ring on the finger?We realize that we’re not compatible? I also believe that the struggle of finding someone after becoming a mother or father would happen less often if people did not have children with the wrong person in the first place.

I think, in the end, we all just want someone to come home to.

**TL;DR;** 

I’m honestly so exhausted by dating apps, and I know a lot of women feel the same. Men being unattractive, looking worn out, or still not knowing what they want in their mid-40s is one thing — fine, I can simply swipe left like everyone else. And yes, many of you do look older, and no, younger women generally are not waiting for you either.

But what makes dating apps completely impossible now is men hiding the fact that they have children. I do not want to spend days talking to someone only for them to suddenly become defensive when I ask directly and say things like “I’d rather discuss it in person.” No — you hid something major and hoped a childfree woman would already be emotionally invested by the time she found out.

If you truly believed having children would not matter, you would state it openly in your profile from the beginning.

And realistically, once you have children, your priorities should be your children. If they are not your first priority, that’s a problem. But if they are your first priority — as they should be — then many childfree women simply will not want that lifestyle, and they deserve to know upfront instead of discovering it later.

And when you don’t react positively to it, they start behaving like children. No, it was not okay to leave something that important out of your profile. I don’t have children, and I do not want to step into a life that was already built with another woman. That may sound harsh, but that’s the reality for many childfree women.

I don’t want the child, the ongoing connection to the ex, or a relationship where I’m expected to constantly adapt because he naturally has very little time left between work, his ex, and his child. And honestly, no childfree woman should feel pressured into wanting that if it’s not the life she envisions for herself.

The issue is not that men have children. The issue is hiding it and then acting offended when women decide that lifestyle is not for them.