u/JKMH333

Did her husband just leave the kids with his ex when they moved to CA? Do we know anything about the ex-wife and their relationship?

I honestly don’t even know how to really start this because it goes so deep. Basically, my husband’s Dad, we’ll call his Steve, wasn’t a great dad. He had a turbulent relationship with my husband’s Mom that turned extremely toxic & led to prison time for Steve. Long, complex situation. Steve & I had a great relationship in the beginning when I first had our son. We initially lived in the same city as my husband’s family and we saw all them a lot. We have since moved away and don’t see them as much, but we make an effort. Steve doesn’t make much effort outside of sending the kids gifts on holidays and we’ll see them for a few hours when we’re in town. I know my husband wants his Dad to have a true Grandpa/Grandkids relationship with our kids. However, I don’t fully trust Steve. He’s talked poorly about me to my husband, he’s constantly talking poorly about his ex-wife (my husband’s Mom), he talks poorly about women in general, he’s made comments about how my husband needs to “handle me” because I’ve said I want to get my 3 year old son into a dance class because he loves dancing… he’s just a toxic boomer. Anyways, we are all about to go to Mexico to stay at a resort for my brother in law’s wedding. Steve asked my husband if he & his partner (who I love) could take our 3 year old son for a few hours to spend time with them. Some more context, Steve’s brother just died and so he’s a bit sensitive. My initial reaction to my husband was no…. I don’t trust Steve. My husband got so triggered by this and basically went off on a tangent about how he wants our kids to have a relationship with his Dad and he’s the only grandparent we’d ever have issues with and he deserves to have equal treatment and how our son = him (my husband) and how can I not see that…. And that was such a red flag for me because our son is his own person, he’s not a pawn to help mend something you never got to have with your checked out father.
However, I also want to be more empathetic to my husband. He clearly has a lot of trauma from his dad and his childhood. My husband is AMAZING. I’m not kidding, he’s present and a true partner and loves us unconditionally…. But his parents and his trauma come up every now and then and cause issues. I’m just at a loss…. And the situation is truly so complex that it’s too hard to all put in this post. I’m just looking for some help and guidance here.
Additional context: we will all be at the resort still, he won’t take him off the property. He’ll have his female partner with him. I just don’t understand why he needs to be alone with my son, why can’t we just be there too and he can play with him? Or am I just overreacting here?