u/JournalistDear8935

"My dear Arthur,"

Marys letter to Arthur always reminded me of you. Mary, like yourself, is at least capable of saying she can't live some way. I am just a woman losing to the giant yet again. I don't believe in anyway that I caused you harm (and I severely hope I never had), I dont think that's something I'm capable of when it comes to you. At least if I ever did it was never intentional. However, I think in some way, I exhausted you. That I showed you just how intense I am as immediately as I could. In my defense we didn't exactly meet at the best time. A lot of people I love have died, and you and I met less than a month after the most recent and most emotionally brutal of those deaths. I was not stable in any way.

I apologize for that, you deserved better. I believe I have apologized for that and I've tried my hardest to get better. To behave better for you, I think in some way I have improved. Maybe not massively, I sometimes have moments where I slip up but I try not to let you see that.

My feelings for you are deep, and I imagine that that is hard for you to see. Youre a popular man, and many women thirst over you very openly to you. You may think that I'm just like them, someone who's horny and projecting an idealization onto you.

That's not true, Its never been true. When I first encountered you it was your Livestream. I tried very hard to ignore you, scrolling past each time but you kept showing up and you just have the cutest laugh. I was only going to stay for a second, until you said something that made me laugh. So I commented and you saw my pfp, you made a comment on my breast size but were respectful about it. For some reason it didn't feel how it usually felt when someone said those things, I wasn't disgusted. I was intrigued. So I texted you, and we sexted. But it didn't end there, when it usually does. I think I manipulated you, I dont remember how, but there's no understanding that outcome otherwise.

And after a little bit of sticking around in those Livestreams I began to notice a profound sadness in you. Your reposts, your old videos, the way you spoke, how your voice softened around certain subjects or how you avoid talking about certain things entirely. But I also noticed how kind you were, and the effort you put into everything you said.

I still didn't feel entirely safe with you, and I'm sorry for that. I know my intensity comes off a certain way, just because I love you doesn't mean I felt safe. It was only in recent months that I started feeling safe to talk to you. Like really talk to you. Not as this intense, sociopathic, delusional woman but as the person I've been protecting, the person under that. And I'm afraid that that person was not enough and I'm afraid that I'll blame you for hurting her. And I'm sorry for that.

Honestly, my love for you still burns strongly. It's strange to me, usually people sit in categories of what I can get from them. You do not. In fact, all I want is to take care of you, grow with you, to have the privilege to love you.

Im disgusting for saying all of this, I'm sorry. I think it's possible I spent this whole message saying a lot without really getting my point across. If you collect anything from this message let it be this; I adore you, you mean the world to me but my guard is down so please I'm begging you, be nice to me.

And maybe...try not to make me feel ignored? I know that's hard but please don't make me humiliate myself more than I already do. I get so embarrassed sending you things that remind me of you, texting you in the middle of the night when I cant stop thinking about you, knowing that you won't see them for days and that they likely mean nothing to you. You're an amazing guy, down to earth, funny, introspective, you're philosophical but you don't let that get in the way of living inside of life. You live in the moment, that's something I wish I could do by myself.

Anyways, I hope you had a good day and that maybe you'll talk to me again soon. The days of silence make me really sad, because it makes me worry not only that I may have upset you but also that you may not be okay and that I'm failing you by not being there to comfort you.

I put this as general because to be honest I don't know what we are, I know what I feel but you are the confirmation.

The more distance you put between us, the less I want to be around you. I get it, people are busy, and you have rejected me before months ago. So why did you do this? Why text me in the late hours of the night and let me connect to you? Why flirt with me repeatedly? Why mirror my energy, why let me mirror yours? Why change your behavior as if you actually want to be around me? And then to suddenly disappear as you always do, it's not fair. I should wait like a patient dog for you to come back but I dont want to anymore, I dont want to play the role of dog. Please, treat me like a person and not something you can come back to when you're bored. Or don't, drag me along leash in hand. I'd probably still follow knowing me.

Hello,

Not your usual shit post horny content you may see on this subreddit. What you are reading is pure transparency, self disgust, and possibly something you relate to and hate yourself for.

I will provide you some context, however I feel you truly do not need much. I grew up in an extremely aggressive household, I often was not allowed outside, trapped endlessly in a polished hell house. And so I guess that became rage, rage became homicidal thoughts. Anyways.

I remember it like it was yesterday, sitting in a classroom, zoned out when something clicked. The imagination of a nine year old girl turned brutal. It was, in a strange way, beautiful. I imagined not only the different ways I could brutally die, the things I could do to myself. It was how others could die too.

That eventually turned to quicker anger, and upon anger, I would immediately think "I fucking hate you, I hope you die." So as the years passed it became far more grotesque, visual. Until I was internally screaming at myself to do it and not to do it simultaneously. I never acted on these tendencies, never harmed anyone beyond a highschool fight. Well my thighs would argue otherwise LMFAO

However this aggression never went away, it only refined itself. I consider myself to be someone who reads others well. I can pin point traumas, central personality traits, hypocrisy, hidden shame, hidden agendas, just about anything and it really doesn't take much. Most I pick up within the first two sentences, others may take a few conversations to obtain.

I very much use this to my advantage when I perceive someone as incorrect to my moral framework. I consider my moral framework to be above most others. I can be very brutal in my words. However I specifically refrain from doing this unless considered useful or necessary.

But there's always this itch the second that irritating anger returns. This burning need. To absolutely shatter the skull of another human being for their wrongdoings.

Is that bad? Yes, probably. Is there a strange thrill? Absolutely. Yet I present it to you because I am tired of the confession of mundane. I want humanity in its truest to be visible, and I believe I am a good representation of what humanity is fully unmasked.

Thank you.

P.s I would never actually DO this and I do not encourage this behavior. I just believe in the heart of honesty.

edit: I have such disgust for those of you calling this ai, fucking putrid secondary creatures. you look at intelligence and believe it must be created by a machine. filthy. you realize humans invented intelligence? you disgusting creatures using such a short cut. you can lead a horse to water but you can't teach it to drink, you can give a man intelligence but the more you give the less he can create it on his own. filthy things.

Hey dad I shouldn't be bothering you out of the blue but I just have to ask, what the fuck is wrong with this family? Genuinely, they're all fucking evil. Youre just a different kind of evil. They're all emotional, self centered, true monsters. You on the other hand just really hate everyone except your star successor.

Father, you are an idiot. You tossed me aside when your new successor was born. I always wonder if you thought I was broken, or if you just wanted the end product to be absolutely perfect. You always told me "you have to be better than everyone, you have to be at the top. There's no space for mistakes." I took that seriously, I worked so hard. I only became hard to deal with after you cast me out. I find myself hating all of you, I want nothing to do with the poison that is our blood. You forced me into this wretched creation.

My mother, I know how old she was when you got together, I know how old she was when she had us and I know how old you were too. It's sickening. How dare you make me to be the product of an illegal relationship? My existence is tainted, it is because of your selfishness and lust that I am forced to be of poison too. She didn't live long, she had to take care of something as putrid as me, because of you. She could have been living her dreams not taking care of a bunch of snot noses brats.

You once told me, "Mom's are for loving, you don't have one so you'll never be loved like [redacted]s kids are. I'm not here to love you I'm here to provide and make you strong." I think about that a lot. I'm not even upset, how can I be? I know how you are, ive always known how you are. Father, you ruined me. Now I aim to ruin all of you.

Fuck this cursed bloodline, and fuck you too. I will bring dishonor to the bloodline I once promised to be perfect for.

Also I always wonder, do you hate me because I look like mom? Is that what causes that expression of guilt after what you do? What if I told the world everything? What if I exposed the deep secrets of everyone in this filthy family? You would be filled with rage. That's okay. Then you'll understand what it felt like when my sweet and gentle heart was trampled into this grotesque thing.

My love, I want to share lives with you, not full, dependent, no space sharing but peaceful quiet sharing. What is it I want to share with you most?

It's when I find myself in fields in a sundress, making flower crowns and playing tag with my sisters, when I find myself napping in the sun, when I sit and listen to the sounds of wildlife, when i find myself in the cool clear rivers, when I sit under the stars and moon only to feel the world around me and admire its beauty.

I'd like you to experience that with me. I want to frolick with you and play like children, to place flowers on each other's heads and splash in the rivers of clear water. Until then I will enjoy the imagination, everything out here reminds me of your eyes anyways and that puts a smile on my face.

My God I am hopeless, I crave you so badly. I want to show you the true beauty of the world, to appreciate the beauty in all things. I want to travel with you, all those places you talk about. After we talk about them I look them up and Imagine what we'd do there.

I think about us a lot, neither of us can deny that the way we talk isn't just friendly. Let me set into your world too, we can water each others minds like biblical gardens and watch as we expand both individually and together. I know you value your independence, I value mine too. I want to have our own worlds and a world together, I want to travel each one hand in hand.

My darling, I have never felt such a way about anyone. Never had such a connection and foundation, never been so grounded. I want to help ground you. I want to close the distance and massage your worries away. My sweet thing, I would do anything to be the one who comforts you, the one who travels with you. Is it embarrassing to admit that I imagine us wrapped up on your couch, binge watching anime and eating sushi? If so, then call me a proud fool.

I love you, God I truly love you, but I won't say that, I wont say any of this. We're going your pace and I respect that. I will not overwhelm you. When we finally get to that point, will you trust me enough to follow me into my haven?

P.s. I never forgot your promise to take me to that big fancy mall and get necklaces made from each others eyes. I'm holding you to it <3

P.p.s I promise I'm not a creep ⊙⁠﹏⁠⊙ oh God do I sound creepy T^T

My dear M,

I know I have expressed my feelings a thousand times but what I dont know is how you feel. I want you to feel the same, oh how I truly wish with every blood cell in my body. You're the best person I've ever met. I have yearned for you for the many months we have been in contact, something in my soul feels strongly connected to yours. Surely in some way you must feel the same if you stayed for as long as you did. You ground me, make me feel alive and fill me with such hope I didn't know existed. I hope that I provide the same to you. I am afraid to say it, I have said I love you a thousand times without meaning it but there are words that have never left my mouth. Words I must have unconsciously saving long before we ever met just for you. I'm in love with you, M. I think part of me needs you to feel whole, not in a "i depend on you" way but in a "This is the half of me I've been missing, this is the puzzle piece that makes it all make sense." That means so much more to me than intensity ever could, even though I am holding back. I want to sew your clothes, I want to cook together, I want to hear your laugh everyday I wish I could hear that beautiful melody from you at all times, I want to explore, hike, visit Oregon, lead the way and let me follow, I want to take care of each other, and I want to build a life worth loving with you. I know that sounds insane, im sitting here day dreaming about our future when we aren't even dating. Tell me, my dearest, if I placed the key to my soul in your hands would you treat it with kindness in care? Better yet, would you allow me to take your soul into my palms and taste it's very essence, to whisper words of sweetness and kiss at every wound it has every received?

With love and sincerity,

L🩷