Seeking advice on the best way to talk to my sister about her boyfriend?
It is a classic “I don’t think he’s good for her”. They have been dating since high school and now live together in their own suite.
The relationship in me and my families eyes didn’t start out great. Back then in highschool he was borderline verbally abusive and it seemed to us he took his anger (from his not good home life) and projected it onto her. Which we told her at the time. She stayed even after they broke up for a few weeks and has since gotten a lot better with his anger since removing himself from the situation. However I still don’t love the way he speaks to her? It seems aggressive to me (swearing at her, negging/insulting her, etc) and most times SHE laughs but Im not sure he’s always joking? Her laughing always seems more like its used to socially break the awkward tension of his comments than true laughter…
Its not that he’s horrible. To put it plainly he’s just kind of- mid? He’s not truly abusive as far as I can tell but he isn’t particularly the kindest. He isn’t blatantly “bad” enough to have one specific reason to leave- but he isn’t good either. He doesn’t treat her the best in general. For example I went shopping with them and she wanted to show him the dresses she was trying on, the first one was a bit ill fitting but he reacted so obviously poorly with a grossed out face and basically just saying “ew” and pointing out everything wrong with how it fit her. She tried on some pants (looked great on her btw) and all she got was a “sure” and a shrug. (I did say he should try calling her beautiful or complimenting her but he said she was already gone back into the change-room so he couldn’t??). To be honest I dont think ive ever heard him say any sort of positive thing or compliment to her. They dont hold hands or kiss or hug or interact really aside from talking (which I can see to a certain extent im not a huge fan on PDA either) but its just kind of weird.
I think the icing on the cake for me is that currently he’s been unemployed for almost a year now, doesn’t have even his learners license, and seems like his mental health has taken a toll because of it- which I understand mental health can be debilitating but at what point does it become too much of a burden on my sister. I feel as though he uses it as nothing more than an excuse and from what I hear does nothing to work on mental health either. They’re dipping into my sister’s savings, debt, and selling belongings all while she works her butt off doing more than full time at her work despite her also dealing with some on and off minor health complications.
He relies on her solely for everything right now while he (presumably as far as I have heard) sits at home playing video games until 6am every night. Not going to lie it gives me such a bad ick feeling when he, a grown man, asks my sister if he can buy something from the store like a child… I have offered rides and money, advice, job leads, pay for license/test, etc to get him on his feet but he’s said “he isn’t one to ask for help…” He apparently has applied to over 1000 places on Indeed but hasn’t gotten even one interview. Most recently Ive also heard it’s been quite a “dead bedroom” situation. I cant remember the last time he did something nice for her “just cause”
In my opinion what he has offered her now and in the past is total garbage and I dont see what she sees in him. I get as much as any girl about having a “i can fix him” complex but come on…. There seems to be no limit to the amount of excuses she can come up with for this guy.
I fear she’s going to stay stuck in a mediocre relationship and since it’s the only one she’s had she doesn’t understand that there might be so much better out there. I think it’s a sunken cost fallacy. Im scared he’s nothing but potential that she’s made up. None of my immediate or extended family is particularly fond of him either. I know she knows this im just not sure to what extent. Parents have tried to tell her he is not a good match but she has just brushed them off.
I want to confront her. As much as we all agree, we arent IN the relationship so to speak, all we have is what each of us witnesses and what she tells us. In all honesty I fear what it’s like behind closed doors.
The minimum shouldnt be seen as above and beyond but to her him cooking dinner feels like shes being spoiled. I have a lot of built up frustration (maybe even genuine anger) and I know I think about it more than I likely should or care to admit. I regret not being confident enough to speak out louder in the past and I feel I am done biting my tongue and want to call out these weird behaviours more often. But how?
TLDR; Family and I don’t like sister’s boyfriend believing him to be a sunken cost fallacy. Advice needed on how to best confront her about his behaviour and how she can do so much better?
Edit/Update: The few comments ive gotten have been very insightful and I appreciate everyone who has commented! You are all right and me coming in guns a blaze will likely damage our relationship which is absolutely not what she needs. I need to make sure the focus is on her and her happiness even if I dont understand. My next step will likely be doing a little mental health/happiness check in next time I see her as she has been low for sometime. Its not about attacking him its about being there for her when/if she needs me. As much as I hate to see the way its playing out this is her journey and the best I can do is make sure she is okay. Thank you!!!