u/NoMeringue1788

Hi!

So I come from divorce and a failed relationship background. All my life , all I wanted was a peaceful marriage with kids. I thought that's the ultimate goal. I was willing to compromise and work for it accordingly (by choice, not forced).

However, after a very painful phase, I've started to question everything. The world is shattering around me, almost like a veil has lifted.

I'm questioning everything, from what is life, what is its purpose, why should we live, what's the point etc.. 

So ladies, especially those who have gone through life-altering situations. What does life mean to you now? What gives you purpose? How did your idea of happiness, love, marriage, motherhood or identity change after everything you went through?

Please share your honest perspectives.

I am new to the term “limerence”, but the more I read about it, the more I feel like it explains a pattern I have had for years.

Since my teenage years, I have had this tendency to build emotional fantasies around men. But it fades away.

But I recently realised this pattern again after a very painful experience.

I had known this man for years. At one point in the past, I had feelings for him and expressed them indirectly. He friend-zoned me. I felt embarrassed and moved on. Over time, I even lost attraction to him and was questioning my choices.

Years later, after I came out of a 8 year long marriage, he came back into my life. I was vulnerable and not really looking to date. At first, I still was not very attracted to him. But he seemed genuinely interested, and I thought maybe I should give it a chance. So I was talking to him reluctantly.

We started dating and became intimate. After that, I saw him in a very different way. He suddenly became my centre.

Once he realised I was getting involved, he became inconsistent and confusing. However the relationship ended in a very painful way. I am not ready to share the details because there is grief involved.

What I am struggling with is that logically, I know he is not a good man. I know he hurt me. I know I should be disgusted about him for what he did to me.

But I still don’t have that much anger on him.

This is the part I find disturbing.

I know who he really is. I think I am attached to the version I created in my mind. In that fantasy, he was supposed to be my safe place, my emotional rescue, maybe even my saviour.

Now I feel stuck.

How do you stop longing for the imagined version of someone?

What actually helped you break the limerence pattern?

I am 32F. He is 35M. We both come from divorced backgrounds and have known each other for years. This year, we became emotionally and physically involved.

I came from a loveless marriage, so I was emotionally vulnerable. His attention, care and closeness felt good to me. But the relationship was always confusing. He was present and caring, yet never gave clear commitment. Since I was just out of divorce, commitment felt scary, so I was okay with it.

Later at one point, I told him that if this was only physical, we should be clear about it. He did not agree to that either.

Eventually, I told him I could not stay in an undefined relationship because I wanted marriage, family and a child. I walked away from it on that basis.

Soon after, I found out I was pregnant.

This was huge for me because I have had fertility struggles, and the pregnancy felt like a miracle. I wanted the baby.

Even after I told him I was pregnant, he was physically intimate with me. To me, that felt like emotional closeness and care. Later, when I asked if it meant anything, he told me not to assume.

Then he said he did not see me as his wife, that we were not compatible, that we would not be happy, that the child would not be happy, and that if I forced marriage, he would leave.

I felt cheated. If he was so sure that he did not want marriage, family or a child with me, why did he continue physical involvement and keep me in his emotional loop?

I went through the abortion. The most painful and hardest decision of my life. I am still recovering emotionally and physically.

He framed everything as a “situationship” and said I assumed too much.

After everything, I told his parents. I also told his ex-wife because she knew his life closely.

My intention was accountability. I wanted someone from his side to know that this was not just a casual misunderstanding. There was a pregnancy, pressure, abortion and loss.

Now he is angry that I involved them. He has also brought up suicide in messages, which makes the situation harder. I do not know whether it is genuine distress, anger or a way to make me feel responsible.

I stand by the fact that I had a right to speak up.

But how do I handle him, his anger and the suicide threats without getting pulled back into the emotional loop?

Edit 1: Hi! The story has many nuances and has layers. I couldn’t write it all down. But I have to address few points:

* first and foremost, I consented this relationship , if accidental pregnancy happens, I wanted to keep it. It was very well conveyed.
* second he is not a random person I met on the internet. I knew this person half my life. That’s why the broken trust felt more painful.
* third, the entire relationship was only 6 months. And the 4 months went in LDR. After he came back home, in our last meet up I walked out of the relationship. But I conceived anyway.
* fourth, I entered the relationship undefined because I was just out from the divorce, I didn’t want to commit right away. But the idea was not just physical, let’s talk to each other like how we do for an arranged marriage prospect, if things work we will carry it forward.

Edit 2: Hello everyone. I read your opinions.

Many people called it vengeance and said I should have kept quiet. I understand why it may look that way from the outside, but many details that led me to that point were not disclosed.

For me, this was not a simple “situationship gone wrong”. I know what a situationship means, but this isn't one. It felt more like dating under the pretext of marriage.

I thought one basic point was enough to show the injustice- a man who was so adamant that he did not want a child still continued having sex with a woman who had feelings for him and had clearly expressed that, she would want to keep the baby.

But you all don’t know:

* The relationship started with him asking, “Shall we get married and have three kids?” It was not just that. We discussed the kind of dog we would get, what car we would buy, dowry, whether I should convert my religion, which religion the children would be raised in, whether baptism would be compulsory, and even names for children. He still used to refer to my father as “father-in-law”.

* He chose to have unprotected sex on the day I was hinting that I may leave the relationship.

* Even after I took the abortion tablet, he was intimate with me when I kept saying it could lead to infection risk.

There are many more instances. but I do not want to bring every tiny detail here. The main point is this- I trusted him, and he misused it.

And above all he did not ask a sincere “sorry” for what I went through because of him.

For me, accountability mattered. So I did what I did. I do not regret it.

To me, revenge would have meant taking this legally, publicly dragging his name or informing his arranged-marriage prospect. This would have created more trouble.

Telling his parents created a stain, yes. It was a consequence of his actions. But it does not stop him from moving ahead with his life.

I know very well that this will not bring my baby back or my life . But I really wanted someone to question him on my behalf. 

I am not asking everyone to agree with my decision. I am only saying there was a lot more behind this decision. 

Edit 3:

Update: The guy is in Kerala with his friends. Posting all sunshine posts. All that shit about suicide was just to keep me from doing more damage to him. So this post is now useless. Just take me as a cautionary tale and move on. That's it. 

Thank you to the people who understood what I was trying to say. I also appreciate those who disagreed with me but still responded with basic decency and concern for my health and recovery.

That said, some people are DMing me with vile messages. Please stop. You may disagree with my actions, but I do not think I deserve that level of hate.

Thanks.