I kicked my dog to save a kitten and I feel absolutely horrible
TW dog attack
I'm sorry this is so long and I know I really fucked up. I am not sure where else to post I am really upset.
I have a 40 lb Southeast Asian Village Dog. He is an ex street dog and has an absolutely insatiable prey drive. He has zero contact with other animals because he cannot be trusted. This is fine, he is a dog, it's not moral or emotional for him and he prefers being solo.
There are a ton of feral cats in the lot behind mine. I have sealed every gap in the fence and I trap/neuter/release, but I have neighbors that feed the cats and want them to have kittens every year so they can catch them and then set them free again when they get too big to be fun (I hate these neighbors).
Before I let him out to the backyard, I walk the perimeter of my yard with a hose to scare any cats, squirrels, skunks, raccoons, possums, etc every single time. At night my dog goes out on a leash with me.
The only animal I have ever let him chase is rats; I have a vegetable garden and compost pile so I am happy for him to give them a scare.
Little did I know the rustling inside of my compost pile this time was a litter of KITTENS and not rats. I tell him "go get the rats" and he catches a fucking tiny kitten.
He is in a complete frenzy and refuses to let her go. The kitten is screaming and bleeding and I am screaming at my dog and trying to pry his jaws apart but they are locked and won't budge. He is thrashing and trying as hard as he can to get away from me. I scruff him HARD and he does not care or notice, I grab his throat, I bop him hard in the head and on the shoulders with my hands and he doesn't flinch.
I am freaking out, I know he is going to kill the kitten so I start kicking him in the ribs to get him to let her go. I have to kick him 3 or 4 times before he even reacts. I'm 105 lbs, wearing tennis shoes and not strong but I am trying. He drops her, tears away from me and grabs her again so I kick him AGAIN, he drops her again and that finally gives me enough time to grab him, pick him up and put him inside. He didn't yelp, he isn't limping, he is acting completely normal and is being as sweet to me as he always is.
That kitten is fucking tough. She was alive, I rushed her to the emergency department at the humane society and because she was alert and up they said she will probably be ok, but I don't know if she will. Because she's feral they won't update me either way.
I am just so upset. I have been crying for hours. I feel like the absolute worst dog owner in the world. A kitten got hurt and I kicked my dog. I don't know what else I could have done if I wanted to save the kitten; there was no hose within reach and he was way way way past his threshold of listening to commands or bribing him with something else.
At the same time, he is just a fucking dog - how is he supposed to know the difference between a rat and a kitten? There is no difference to him, they're both prey. I am the one who assumed it was a rat. Fuck I am the one who told him to GO GET the rat. Dogs don't have morals or ethics, all he knows is that he likes to hunt and it's in his literal DNA.
I feel so guilty. My dog seems unaffected and I don't know what else I could have done in the moment but I don't know if the kitten made it and it's all just so horrible.
I will never, ever ever assume rustling in the trash or compost is a rat ever again. I didn't know there were kittens in there. I tried to check everywhere in the backyard. I am so sorry kitten. I am so sorry to my dog for failing him. This is horrible.