I got no sleep thinking about him last night and slept all day today all because I know I can’t be with him. Everyone is telling me to move on but my brain is torturing itself and constantly reminds me of him.
Smoking and drinking help me to forget and let me have live in the moment but whenever I don’t have those things I’m just stuck with these thoughts about him.
After almost 2 years and new people i’ve met. He stays on my mind 24/7. I would do anything to know if they still think of me; if they didn’t I could finally move the fuck on.
I crave your attention so bad and seeing you actually prioritize someone and making them the staple of your life hurts me so badly. Why couldn’t you have given me that same treatment, we would have been so great if you had just made me feel welcome into your life. Instead you avoided me and I felt rejected and embarrassed, tried to move on too quickly but I couldn’t.
I have only ever loved you and I left because I knew you were never going to love me. But i love you and I want to talk to you, I don’t care how mad you are at me. I want to make things right. The fact that I’m blocked on everything hurts my soul. I pray to Jesus everyday that somehow someway you will fall back into my arms and you can be apart of my life again. It’s been years and I still pray every night I will never lose hope and faith for you.
This deep gut feeling is telling me he’ll be back one day and we both will meet each other again being way better people than we were. I just want to show him how much I’ve grown and that I’ve changed.
It’s so humiliating admitting this I could never tell anyone in my personal life. I’m secretly waiting for him and his new girlfriend to break up so I can reach out. Even if he doesn’t want to rekindle what he had I still want a chance to make things right and apologize because I don’t align with who I was back then and regret a lot of things.
We have our own separate lives and relationships and live far apart, not to mention haven’t spoke or seen each other in years. In the back of my head there’s a part of me that will always wait for my ex to come back. I feel tremendously guilty saying this but I just wanted to move on and find love because I thought my ex was stringing me along because he never made our relationship an official thing but would treat me as such. He just seemed to care about me in some fucked up way, and made me feel special, I never fully got over him. I miss talking to him and I think about him everyday, and I wonder if he does the same. There’s definitely something wrong with me because I should not feel this pretty much parasocial attachment to somebody I haven’t spoken to in years.