u/elcaminorealreal

Basically... It's boring. We just take turns going down on each other. And like, I love that! But there's no foreplay, there's no passionate holding each other in our arms, etc. There's very little building tension through the day, longing glances, animalistic "need" or desire, etc. No dirty talk. No different positions or toys. She just lays there with her eyes closed.

We've talked about it. She often says it's due to anxiety. She'll be self conscious or worried about me being unfulfilled or worried about turning me down if she's not in the mood. She says past relationships had more passionate sex but it also made her feel uncomfortable and a bit used, so I've been trying to be with her every step of the way to make her comfortable and happy. I've done everything she's asked me to-- more foreplay, different foreplay. Initiating less often or in a different way. We obviously don't do anything she isn't comfortable with and stop immediately if she says so or even just seems not that into it.

The problem is, we're going on 2.5 years and this is STILL an issue. It's not even really improved. She's just as anxious in bed with me as she was on day 1.

Talking about it isn't helping, at least not the way we've been talking about it-- focusing on her anxieties, her insecurities, etc. I'm tempted to talk more about what *I* need but I'm afraid that will just make her feel pressured.

How do I broach this subject with her? How can I discuss my need for more passion without it sounding like I'm pushing her to do things she's uncomfortable with?

It's less en vogue now but isn't it a bit weird that back when we were tearing down statues and renaming buildings etc, no one ever tried to pin someone as sexist? Like we just kinda wrote off those attitudes as being "of the time" I guess but idk why when everyone was gunning for everyone.

Specifically entertainment. Feels like even a few years ago there was all kinds of entertaining stuff to waste time with but its felt like it's on a decline the past 5 years or so, and especially the last year.

A list of things that didnt suck 2, 5, or 10 years ago (your milage may vary) but suck now:

• Movies
• TV shows (both comedy and prestige stuff)
• Twitter/Reddit
• Podcasts
• Youtube
• Instagram/Tiktok

Maybe I'm just depressed? But it feels like all the random time wasting fun stuff to do has really gotten mid or straight up bad.

Should I read more? Last book I read was Otessa Mosfegh and I liked it but I hear new novels are pretty shit now too.

Important Edit: I finally spoke to Purina again and the agent told me that the formulation has not changed since 2019 when they added chicken. I really didn't buy that, as I had most definitely checked the back of the cans before buying them when we first started getting her the food in January and there was not chicken. The food is also visibly different from how it was before.

I did a ton of searching online and it really does seem to be accurate-- the formulation changed in 2019. However, I am also absolutely 100% certain that the food we gave her was Purina One Grain Free Ocean Whitefish and it did not contain chicken as a primary ingredient.

I can't explain the discrepancy. A disturbing thought is that perhaps my ghetto ass grocery store had been stocking expired cans. We check the expiration dates always because that store is always selling nasty shit but it's possible we didn't read it correctly. I find that more believable than the idea that we just didn't read the label right since we definitely checked, and-- as I said-- this store is known for stocking old shit, rotten food, etc. Could be we were the first to even buy these cans since pre-COVID and they've just been sitting on the shelves.

I really don't know what to believe here.

We're getting food shipped in from now on. People steal packages all the time around here so it might get stolen, but this whole situation has us super paranoid.

===========================================

A few weeks ago I posted here about how my cat got really sick after Purina changed their food formulation to include an allergen without any indication on the front label of the change.

Someone recommended I reach out to Purina and I did and initially it was great! They were really responsive over email and asked for my phone number or for me to call to discuss.

Well, I called and that's when it took a turn.

The woman was SUPER rude. I gave the case number and she said, "how about you just tell me. I don't want to read all this." After explaining the situation she asked me "what do you want". I said I was calling as I was told to call and she goes, "okay. So...?" Like girl I don't know either!!

She said she'd have people call me back. Now it's been over a week. Multiple emails ignored, no call back, nothing.

I'm not surprised but it's certainly disappointing after their initial response seemed so helpful. Either way I'll never buy from them again and am advising my friends and family to do the same.

I know you get what you pay for, but chicken is a common allergy. In my mind this is really no less than willful animal endangerment on a large scale, which seems bad even for a regular brand.

For what it's worth, our girl is doing better now. But I just really want to get the word out because other brands seem to be doing the same thing, probably to cut costs and I doubt we're the only ones that (wrongly) assumed there'd be some indication of formula changes.

Thanks for listening. 😭

EDIT: maybe I wasn't clear but I had been calling about lodging a complaint and seeking compensation. When the lady just flat out asked if I wanted money it took me by surprised but I did say id be interested in compensation-- unfortunately I suspect this is why they're now ignoring me.

EDIT EDIT: Considering everyone's comments, I'm going to try calling back (not emailing) and requesting a supervisor again. I won't threaten legal action (I never did, but just fyi) but I will try restating plainly that I'm looking for compensation for the vet bills and to lodge a formal complaint requesting a label change.

EDIT X3: Some folks have mentioned "compensation" can sound litigious so I should have said "reimbursement". Sure would have been easier to navigate this language if I had a CS rep who would speak kindly with me! But regardless, hopefully it won't be a big deal but to anyone else out there negotiating this be careful what words you use.

For those of you that don't know, many local bird species begin laying their eggs at the middle of April. The eggs hatch around the beginning of May and then by mid May the birds enter the fledging stage.

This stage is when the babies are mostly flightless and living on the ground and in underbrush. (Incidentally this is why you should not pick up or attempt to "help" a baby bird on the ground!)

One of the biggest risks to baby birds at this stage is landscaping operations and lawn mowing. The birds are small and in unexpected places and mowing grass etc can cause significant mortality. There is a growing movement for NO MOW MAY which pushes for organizations to delay landscaping operations until June, when fledglings are able to fly.

I had just watched some beautiful baby birds hatch and fledge from my door two days ago. Now, with all the pre commencement landscaping, there is a high chance they are all dead.

If you are an undergrad, please contact your head of house to support this policy of No Mow May at Yale!

You can also (do both!) contact the Sustainability Office here: sustainability@yale.edu

Unfortunately this is the kind of thing that will only go through if we can get A LOT of support!

Thank you for your attention.

It's just so nasty. Landscaping nobody fucking wants, causes untold amounts of ecological damage and horror.

Apparently there is a movement for No Mow May which pushes cities to put off landscaping until past the fledgling stage. If you think your folks would listen please call them!

It's just so sad. I watched those babies from egg to nestling to little fledgling, just to wake up this morning to carnage.

I posted here a while back about how I was faced with a $10k overpayment from when I was a child due to my dads disability. They just started garnishing my tax return, so I had to go to the office (4.5 hour long wait!) to be seen.

The woman there told me I could not file a waiver request because I had exceeded the 60 limit. This is based on a letter that was sent to my parents address in 2010. I'm filing a waiver anyway. I can make a good claim for why I'm not responsible since I was a child, but I'm having trouble proving I'm unable to pay.

My financial situation is I have been on Medicaid/SNAP/etc for over a decade with 80k in student loan debt (borrowed $25k but interest...), but just this year got a graduate position (applied mathematics). My income is now $50k per year and taxes are not withheld. The woman at the office told me that the money I set aside to pay my taxes will *not* count as a necessary expense, so if I even just try and pay my taxes I will be over the income limit for the waiver.

There is also the student loan issue. I am desperately trying to pay down these loans, but the minimum monthly payment is technically $0. The SSA office said they only consider the minimum monthly required payment, so all my debt is effectively meaningless here.

I just paid off all my credit cards, sold my car, and moved into a very cheap apartment in a bad neighborhood all so I could maximize getting a retirement fund and paying down loans. Now it looks like I'll be severely punished for this decision.

I feel so overwhelmed. They won't even provide evidence of how the overpayment occurred because they said, "that's your father's records, we can't show you anything". They literally said, "Normally you'd just ask your parent for the information but since he's dead you obviously can't do that, so you'll just need to pay."

Sorry for the wall of text, this is just all so horrible. I'm so furious and everyone I speak to has been so cruel. I'm finally getting on my feet and now I get slapped with this.

So my questions are:

1. Does SSA really not consider future tax payments as a necessary expense?

2. Does SSA consider my yearly expenses or just a current snapshot (I've been supporting my partner for this past year as they look for a job, but they just got a job a month ago).

3. Anyway I can convince them to count my student loan payments and retirement account payments as a necessary expense?

4. If I really can't fight it, how does SSA calculate the monthly minimum payment? Based on the form subtracting only the categories they mention, I have a "discretionary income" of like $2000/month.

Maybe it's just my school but I also find searching academic reddit communities the same kind of insufferable behavior and it's just making me think that maybe this whole thing just isn't for me.

My main issue is-- I hate to say it-- the people. It's not all the people, but it's a lot of them.

• Constant bragging. Sometimes it's overt, sometimes it's more subtle, but it is *constant*. No one wants to talk about anything but themselves.
• The ageism. I've heard people unironically call themselves a "late bloomer" because they didn't get into science until they were in high school.
• The elitism. I've heard so many disparaging comments towards other universities, even small local ones that primarily do professional associates and stuff.
• THE ELITISM. People are judging others based on where they went to *high school*. Like what is your problem?
• Fake "caring" and expectations to always be positive, productive, and helpful. A good example of this is on reddit-- I was looking up past threads of people dealing with jealous feelings towards their colleagues and so many replies were like "this is toxic. You should seek therapy." Therapy? Like okay therapy is always nice, but feeling a human emotion like occasional jealousy is not a sign someone needs professional help.

I didn't even realize until last week when I had to work with some engineers on a project (I was previously in manufacturing) and suddenly I could have a real honest to God conversation without having to constantly seem chipper and positive or quietly posturing about my research. We could just talk.

Meanwhile all my conversations with fellow PhDs or faculty feel so stilted. There's all these unwritten rules of how you're supposed to behave, it feels like a customer service job half the time but with the worst customers.

Maybe I'm just not made for this. The university makes SUCH a big deal about FGLI student support and elevating students etc. and everyone talks about their struggles so openly (suspiciously openly imo) that idk I guess I thought I wouldn't feel this left out? But I just can't stand (most of) these people.

I'm just so fucking angry. I don't know if the change is why she is sick or if it's a coincidence but that food is the only thing she'll reliably eat right now and now she can't because it'll make her ill!!

Like at least send out a notification! Put something on the label! Do something!

Food is Purina Grain Free Oceanwhitefish.

She says it doesn't mean anything. We were discussing some relationship issues we've had-- basic stuff like poor communication and her often assuming the worst, like reading me being in a bad mood as me not being in love with her--and she brought up how she had similar issues in her last relationship and cried about how bad she felt having "done that to him too", with him being her ex.

This is an ex from years ago who I've never really felt threatened by but now like... Idk it just did not feel great to be bringing up issues I'm having in the relationship and have her cry about how she hurt the feels of some other guy.

I said as much and she said she wasn't crying for him, just crying off and on in general because of the conversation and it's a coincidence. I want to believe her but I just don't.

She told me once I reminded her of her ex. Not sure how that plays into context here.

How can I read this situation?

Hi all! So I am minutes away from my final and pretty sure I am about to fail this exam. For some reason, I just haven't been able to get a handle on my work all semester, for a variety of reasons. It feels like the courses are set up that we should do 1-2 problems on a topic in a pset and then "understand" via the derivations we did the physics and be able to apply it in new ways on the exam.

My past study habits included reviewing example problems, doing extra problems with solutions if I can find them, and going to office hours. So, that doesn't really jive well with the new expectations-- it's worked more or less in some classes like statistical mechanics, less well in others like electrodynamics, and not at all in advanced quantum mechanics. The problems also take many hours per problem, so I can't really "drill" them like I used to.

It feels like I just need to radically change my approach somehow. Additionally, my university is stuck up and elitist, and pride themselves on their grad students being "self learners" so getting any help with courses is pretty strongly discouraged and my requests for help from professors were already denied. So, whatever this new approach is, it needs to be a self-sufficient one.

I may be required to do the course over, and if not, I will at least struggle a lot on qualifying exams. Any advice welcome!!

Specifically, accommodations for extra time on exams. I've got no problem with the other kinds, and it's odd that of all the accommodations required 90% of them is just "more time on tests".

Like half of my class has accommodations for extra time. When the hardest part of the exam is finishing on time, this is a massive advantage. Not only that, but there's no accommodations for anyone else, y'know?

We've got hella non-native English speakers. No accommodations for them. No accommodations for people that caught a cold or slept poorly the night before the exam. No accommodations for people who's parents are getting divorced or who just had a break up. In all these cases, you're just supposed to do your best with the hand you're dealt. But if your particular hand involves "difficulty focusing"? By all means! Well roll out the red carpet for you.

I just hate the narrative around it, too. "I was failing, then I found out I had ADHD, got stimulants and extra exam time, and now I'm not!" Wow, really? No way that would be the expected result for basically fucking anybody. So many "gifted kid burn out" stories focus around having ADHD and it's just infuriating. We don't need to keep diagnosing people with shit until everyone gets an A.

I'm sorry I know this is salty and mean. I'm just stressed about my upcoming exam.

I'm in my late 30s and just started a PhD at a prestigious university after returning to school 3 years ago for a second bachelor's. I put a lot of work and risk to get here and am not in a position to do another severe career change after I graduate, but honestly I'm feeling very trapped by my research field.

I'm in physics, specifically condensed matter. I still really enjoy my subject but I am really starting to not enjoy the day to day.

It's. So. Much. AI. I hate sitting at a computer talking to an LLM and literally over the course of the past two years that's become what I do 70% of the time. I literally switched out of particle physics into something table top because I didn't want to just sit at a computer running models. Now my PI has me working almost exclusively on building agentic pipelines for data analysis. And, everyone I speak to is the same. It's all they want from me. I know AI, they want AI, and so it's what theyll hire me for.

It's made me begin to dream about fields very far flung from AI, like medical physics, geophysics, oceanography... Like I'd still probably be cursing out LLMs daily but at least id be allowed *outside*. At least I could travel somewhere interesting.

It just feels like a sick joke. I did all this work just to end up in a job I hate.