u/nekomata_meko

I used to think something separated me from other people that made certain human experiences 'not for me'. I used to think it’s a quality of mine

But thawing made me realize a huge chunk of my life was just left undeveloped and a lot of common things trigger a sense of grief, displacement and sometimes, only sometimes when processed very well, a sense of longing

For a child’s brain it was easier to process certain things by making up a logical reason for it, even going so far as to attribute the abstinence to my personality

But now I find all those buried desires have come up to the surface along with a lot of jealousy, bitterness, understanding

Very surgical, very precise type of healing work of dealing with emotions and also very tiring

Just something I noticed lately and something that I still can’t accept towards myself

Love, a compliment, acknowledgement all bring up a feeling of 'but did I deserve it?'

But life is illogical and people get love just because the person loves them and at the same time we all have inherent things about ourselves that make people love us

I’ve figured part of the reason why my face is unrecognizable sometimes to me, from face muscles to certain health issues, but then I feel like there’s another thing at play

I wonder if the switch prevents me from being able to recognize my face. Or dissociation

One pattern I’ve noticed is that it’s surely when I’m spiraling that I perceive wrongness in the face, it’s something like I feel bad physically, which causes me to spiral, which causes me to not be able to recognize my face

Still need to observe more though, especially during the switch

Taking photos and videos even when you feel like you look wrong/horrible has helped me a lot to watch out for this symptom

It’s frustrating to see online that there’s no method to deal with stalking

I see a lot of stories pertaining ex partner and stranger stalkers and how deeply it traumatizes the victims, but what if your stalking and control started deep into childhood?

I’m honestly tired that societally it feels like people like me don’t exist to the system. That there’s no protection for parental stalking (police will be no help to me), the victim blaming I had to go through before finding this subreddit

The continued stalking I have to bear in my adult life that causes work, relationship and online presence anxiety

It’s like the narc says you’re my property and the world at large enables them and sort of agrees, yes, you’re tied to them, we might help you a little, but it’s your fault for being born in a family like this

Frustrating, traumatic, better after NC and distance, but still an inhumane and deeply, deeply invasive type of abuse

The only thing that’s been helpful in my healing is I finally realized stalking harmed me deeply, a lot of my unconscious patterns make sense now

I get the worst flashes of fear and horror and seemingly shut down

It would be helpful if I could express my discomfort, but in these situations I just can’t, because the professional atmosphere does not allow me to

I know this is because of consequences of narc abuse: a) I feel a desperate need to prove myself or my point of view in front of other people and b) I need a constant external source of safety to exist in the world, otherwise I break down

The external source of safety especially, I just don’t know how to ease up the desire for external safety.

Does it get better the more healthy relationships you develop, so that you don’t have to rely emotionally as much for safety on your professional ones? That’s my only clue for now

Are there any tips on not feeling as helpless?

It’s inhuman. It’s inhuman how NOW they bust out a full apology with all the right words and know what to apologize for. They know what to apologize for!!!!

Since they know what to apologize for, they full well know the crime. Oh, it made me even more mad than I already was to see this being confirmed

For the first time, by being granted grace by both distance and NC, I was able to see clear as day the erratic behavior narcs exhibit as they use you for their fix.

It’s really disgusting. It’s disgusting to see their addiction like this.

The most disgusting thing is that you as a complex, full of feeling human being get reduced to a fix for them

So far I only get childhood memory flashes, but even they are only up to a certain period, not really adulthood

My body was so heavily dissociated during high school, uni and 3 years after university, that it’s a genuine decade lost

I'm thinking I won’t be able to, because the shame was from every action and the shame still locks that part of my life in its clutches

I meant I didn’t have relationships, didn’t take photos, spent days and days in my bed in deep pain

It would be a part win if I remembered all the pain at least I guess, but looking at how ill I looked is genuinely hard

Were you able to discover new parts of yourself by acknowledging the pain instead of amnesiacally erasing it, or is it a useless affair?

(I feel like I understand all the different aches and pain I felt, but because there’s almost zero positive worth in those years and because I’m experiencing a lot of pain already, I wonder if it’s just easier to keep it all dark and buried)

I hate it ALL

I HATE IT

It just feels like they’re constantly shut down, because no one really wants to see a grown adult act 12

And I mean more so express the positives other than negatives socially

I could probably record videos of myself or engage in certain childish hobbies at home, but I rather miss the social part

Maybe if no one has advice, you can relate at least

I keep thinking in circles, like if they find me I’d have to change my housing, if they find me I’d have to change my internet accounts again, my number

I’m planning to change my name, but even that due to how the law is lax in my country they could possibly find me

I’ll build my life and my pedo ndad will come out of the woodwork to ruin everting I build again, because he needs supply in calling me a whore or watching me for his perversion

All of THIS my weight, my responsibility, my 'baggage' that I bring into relationships with people, all of this makes me vulnerable, makes me 'the therapist that knows psychological trauma' to others

Small stresses or bigger life changes all feel like they bite off a chunk of me

I just want basic kindness. Almost three decades of this and nothing else, I just crave love so badly

just a long vent

Even the thought of being perceived by my ndad scares me, at least I hope that much will get easier with time and he’ll become more of a passive threat than an alarm that kills my entire system

It is hell. All of me is a relatability point to the lowest people

I didn’t ask for this.

It’s hell

She has an almost manic glee at talking with someone who understands and shares a lot of things at once without being able to gauge the other person's interest or my own personal boundaries

I was talking to someone and felt the familiar loss of control and head numbness. NOW I understand

Yay, I got a migraine and can’t see my face in the mirror again

People making neutral comments on my appearance triggering me too

Just gotta get through it… Remember the compliments people made me too

Especially as an adult. Young adult years and teenage years are so important to figure out your: preferences, boundaries, sexuality, experiment with people and what kinds of friendships stick and which do not. Forming long-term relationships too! Might not be for life, but still will help you so much as you grow

People have connections in their adult lives. But how are you going to form them when you’re a mess of lack of boundaries and being scared of people? You’re forced to seek out more understanding people. That sets you back again in life, in keeping up professional relationships with others

I used to internalize it and see wrong with me, but I’ve healed a lot and now I see that this is a consequence of trauma and now it has just become annoying

It’s also just easier as a teen to experiment. There’s more grace allowed to you changing your mind later on. You feel a bit foolish doing it as an adult and now there’s money involved and people's time is precious to them, they push you to have an answer

It’s just impossible. I’m so f twitchy and slow and scared all the time and I haven’t formed a single dating relationship and most days can’t even feel my body without deep trauma flashbacks while being mid twenties

I meet so many abused people. With different types of stories. But they all got to live, they all got to make some choices

But I feel like I’m just a fuck up. Sure, I’ll continue helping myself heal, there’s no other choice, but wtf is wrong with my brain

Maybe I’m just the most unlucky and responsive to abuse person I know of. Won the lottery

I’m not really fully human. There’s no other way to explain it, but something about me is undeveloped and wrong

I know there’s also a type of narcs that may abandon you in life situation (or narcs exhibiting both) and then everyone sees their abuse and it’s pretty clear cut (even if others still make excuses for their behavior)

But this fact of life that I had to live with for over 20 years with that narcs use money, your struggle to assume immediate control is so tough to explain to other people

Outwardly the narc will be so 'nice', they will give money, might even give large unimaginable amounts of money, 'generous' to the public view, pushing you further to be indebted to them

But beneath all that: control, ego boost, immediate switching of roles and making you the evil one for asking for help and using your guilt (if you’re not yet aware of narcissism) or your weak position to control you.

They also push you into positions of not having money or resources (social as well)

Being weak especially in front of a narc is a recipe for such disaster

So yeah, a bit of a scream into the void that this complex under the surface socially accepted type of manipulation is not acknowledged, a sort of helping hand turned into a cage

Deep childhood trauma consequences too by the way. Immediate assumption that people help and compliment to extract and use you

Oh and I know we shouldn’t JADE with strangers. But figuring out narc abuse makes me think of all those situations before I was aware about it, how you cannot put it into words to others what it is that is wrong. Everything is 'right' outwardly, what a terrible emotion