Therapy is not working out and I'm desperate. Just ended a session earlier and fired another therapist.
I don't know what to do anymore.
So far I have had 4 therapists.
The first one was REALLY good. He was a man, and I started with him because my family forced me to go to therapy. I started the session by reading notes I wrote about our toxic family dynamic and he said "Wow. That's a really tough situation." At first I only planned to go with him for maybe about 6 sessions and then ask him to write me a referral letter. Instead he asked me to take a chance on him because he thinks he can help me. I agreed and we did 26 sessions together and they were wonderful, but ultimately he said we were spinning our wheels going around in circles instead of making progress and he sensed that I was putting up barriers and told me he was terminating our sessions. He said he didn't have the skills to help me.
This caused me to go into shock and grief and denial and I spent a couple of months trying to beg, plead and negotiate with him before giving up.
After that I started to understand i had BPD and realized that maybe he sensed it too and that's why he said he didn't have the skills to help me because he is still young (in his 20s) and just recently got licensed.
After that I waited about 6 months then tried again. But this time the sessions were not wonderful. I tried with a woman and she seemed bored, disinterested and kept saying "Mmhmm yes correct" to every single thing I said, positive or negative. I started to feel like I was talking to Paris Hilton. So I ended the session early and went home. On my way home I reflected and thought "She seemed more like a life coach than a therapist."
I tried again, 3rd therapist (all from the same center) and this time I decided to do sessions online so I couldn't walk out early. This one seemed okay but I found a problem where I was exhausted. This wad the THIRD time I was explaining my situation to someone new. It's mentally draining and physically tiring. Now I really am going around in circles.
After this I started to realize I had BPD by watching the show Shameless and identifying with Ian Gallagher (who has Bipolar Type 1) by seeing a lot of myself in him. After self-diagnosing, I went to a licensed psychologist and got an assessment for formal diagnosis and a full report. Paperwork is done.
After that I looked DBT therapy but didn't find any. Instead I got a referral to a DBT workshop classroom and decided to go for it. It was great but I still needed guidance.
So I decided maybe the problem is that the people I were seeing before were counselors and I needed a psychologist / psychiatrist. I asked the same workshop group for individual therapy but I can only afford with a trainee.
I did one session with the trainee and it exhausted me to start over again but I managed to get it all out. The problem is after that 2 weeks passed. Then today we had our second session. And she asks me "What are your expectations?"
HOW CAN YOU FUCKING ASK ME THAT?!?!? I just told you EVERYTHING 2 weeks ago. As soon as she asked me that question, I felt like she had no control over the session and was passing the baton to me to lead her. Like a teacher asking a student to give the lesson to the classroon. I began to think that maybe she hadn't read her notes and was hoping to get a hint about what we talked about so she could get her bearings with a reminder to refresh her memory. I felt like she had forgotten what we talked about and then train ran out of steam.
So I ended the session early and now I'm considering starting over again with another therapist, telling them everything and then not allowing 2 weeks to pass because clearly these people have very short memories and attention spans and won't remember anything about my life details. This will make it the FIFTH therapist I am telling my life story too and I am quickly running out of energy.
What can I do? I can't be the only person expanding energy throughout the session while they just sit on their ass and mutter empty words to keep me chugging along. Is that what therapy is? The first therapist I had was great and he knew how to control the conversation and direct the topics and lead me to my own insights. While the others seem like they are bored passive spectators who are just waiting for the clock to run out.
I am very very close to giving up on therapy only. You want to kpw what my expectations are? I am going to therapy because I heard it is a positive life decision but from what I have seen, no it is not.