Hi, a brief introduction about myself, I am a 21-year-old trans guy, married to a guy, and we have a baby.

What am I doing here?

It happens that lately, in personal conversations I've had with my husband, as a consequence of a fight. I have noticed a certain pattern that happens to me when I have sex.

I have libido, sexual excitement, I see my husband and he is attractive to me, I have sexual fantasies with my husband, dirty dreams about him, I masturbate thinking about him or with his nudes. But when I have him in front of me without clothes, starting the foreplay, I like it; his caresses, kisses, and so on. But when we move on to sex, specifically penetration, a part of me shuts down, all that desire and libido, excitement, etc. It goes away, many times I just go along with it because I'm already in the situation, I don't want to stop my husband and not let him finish. While that happens, to avoid ruining the mood, I dissociate and try to focus more on the physical sensation, imagining myself outside my body, watching the situation as if I were a third party, so I don't pay too much attention to that voice that says, "I'm not really into this anymore, let's move on to something else."

Because really, when we are in the act, it is more satisfying for me to imagine that I am the camera recording a homemade xxx video than to be the actors.

Remembering, this has always been the case since the beginning of my sexual life. I find it more satisfying to imagine, to see, sex, than to be part of sex.

Talking with my husband, he says to me, "Could it be that you are part of the asexual spectrum?"

But since I don't have a disgust, rejection, repulsion, or feeling of "no, I definitely won't do this," I don't consider myself part of the asexual spectrum. I can tolerate that feeling of "I'd rather do something else than stay here," I can be in the situation as long as I see my husband happy and sexually satisfied, beside applying the "mirror effect" which helps me feel a bit better about sex. It doesn't disgust me, nor do I reject it.

But if I had to choose between watching videos, photos, or audios of my partner in exciting/sexual/erotic situations. Or have sex.

I prefer to watch the video of my husband masturbating while I also masturbate. Than having sex with him.

Sometimes I even prefer to just masturbate while watching him exist, being sexy or just existing (as long as he's next to me, whispering dirty things, giving me caresses and kisses on the neck, I'm happy). And it's not because he's bad in bed, he's very good, he's made me finish many times, but it's more exciting to watch the video than to be part of the sexual act.

I need to know if this has a name.

We never had frequent sex in our relationship. In the early years when I tried to get some it was always wrong timing, not romantic enough, not in the mood, and so on..
When I tried to discuss it, it ended always with arguments that I would cheat to get my needs and that I can not be trusted.. But it always was my fault.
This ended that we only had sex when we wanted another child.
The last time we had „reproduction sex“ is now 9 years ago.
Since then when I try to get some intimacy, I can try what ever I want. I cuddle, i kiss, give massages but as soon as it gets more intimate she will start scrolling on her phone… So I stopp and retire in frustration. The max I get back is that she might pet me little over my back or head. 2-5 times and thats it.
As I am tired of getting ignored/rejected I stopped any advances. So we don‘t kiss, cuddle or touch any more. I even got banned from our sleeping room due to snoring.
My impression is that my wife is happy as it is.

But as I am having stress within my job (many layoffs) I feel a lot of pressure as I am the backbone of our family. I start having slight depressions and on the other side I am frequently horny. I would love to get some intimacy, closeness and sex that I would feel more connected and loved by my wife.

We never spoke about it but I think my wife is asexuell. I am just fearing that this would ad stress, that again I would get blaimed if I start a discussion about it. And additionally: if for just pleasing me she would lay down with me I would not feel happy that she did something she does not want and she did not feel comfortable about it..

Any suggestion or advice from a women who is asexual? How did you solve that your man has needs that you cannot share? Do you also just ignore that he would feel harmed if you never show some closeness?

Many thanks in advance! In

So, I have recently been learning more ab different types of attraction as I got to know my asexuality better (I was trying to figure out if there was a specific label I liked (gray-ace!) and stumbled across the many a new term along the way) and I have a question. Why are we calling it sensual attraction? For those who don't know, based on my – admittedly small amount of – reseach it is wanting to have some sort of physical contact with someone, be that hugging, cuddling, holding hands, etc., I have no problem w ppl wanting a word for that, my problem is that the word sensual has a sexual connotation in nearly every other place it would be used. The literal google definition is 'relating to or involving gratification of the senses and physical, especially sexual, pleasure'. I understand why the word might fit the bill, but when most ppl – including me when I first came across it – see/hear that word they would think of smth sexual in some sense. I feel like having a term that, for the most part, would not be referring to sex, be defined by a word that, for the most part, REFERS TO SEX, is a very bad idea. It js opens the door for miscommunication and confusion for everybody involved. So, am I alone in this? And can we change the term before it hits the main stream?

I would also like to add that if this is the wrong subreddit or flair (?) for this post, pls lmk and I will do my best to fix it. I don't rly use reddit outside of random questions, I actually started this account PURELY to ask this question (hence the username) so I don't rly fully know the rules regarding all of the different subreddits and what goes where. This is actually my third time posting this (I posted it in the aromantic and queer subreddits b4 but it got taken down – which is COMPLETELY okay as I had clearly stated b4 if this wasn't the right subreddit pls js lmk (or take it down ig)– in both) so I'm rly hoping this is the right place. Sorry again if this is the wrong place and thank you in advance for answering my question ❤️

To be blunt, I am 18. I have never had sex or been in a relationship, or had a crush for that matter. For the longest time I have just assumed I am bisexual but all of my "crushes" have been fictional characters or celebrities, and a friend of mine recently pointed out that I might be asexual or on the ace spectrum, so I figured I may as well ask here

I do feel arousal. I get turned on by the idea of sex and I enjoy the idea of romantic love, but I don't enjoy the idea of being in a relationship or having sex with someone, as the idea of having sex with a person makes my kinda cringe in a way? I'm not necessarily disgusted or frightened by sex. The best thing I could compare it to is imagine you visit your friend and they are offering you a meal that you seen online. It might have looked tasty online, or even in that moment, but seeing it in real life and the idea of taking a bite makes you go "eh, no, I'm fine." Now just imagine that happens every time. Thats my relationship to sex, and romance in general.

I find men, women, etc, physically attractive but I don't enjoy the idea of being in a relationship or having sex with them. Like fictional characters for example; I enjoy the idea of being with them, but not even as myself, I usually fantasize about them with characters I ship them with or my OC's. If they magically became real, I still don't think I would want to date or have sex with them.

Apologies for kind of ranting. Pointing me in any direction would be appreciated, thanks

So, I’ve noticed quite a few people asking “Am I ace?” here (helpful flair and all, haha), and—as an aroace AuDHD person—I felt compelled to write up a breakdown based on my own experiences and what I’ve learned over the years.

The simplest answer to what “asexual” means:

>Someone who is asexual experiences little to no sexual attraction toward others.

That’s it. Full stop.

Your relationship to actually having sex—whether you enjoy the physical feeling, feel repulsed by it, find it interesting, or don’t care about it one way or another—does not, by itself, determine whether you’re asexual.

You can enjoy the physical sensations of sex without being sexually attracted to the person you’re having sex with.

You can find sex disgusting, fascinating, boring, neutral, or anything in between.

Sexual behavior does not directly determine sexual attraction.

Asexuality is about attraction, not action.

If you want to dig deeper, there are also labels under the asexual umbrella that describe more specific experiences.

For example:

• Gray-asexual / gray-ace: experiencing sexual attraction rarely, weakly, or under limited circumstances.
• Demisexual / demi-ace: experiencing sexual attraction only after forming a close emotional bond.

Those labels are there if they help you. You don’t have to use them if they don’t.

“What if I can’t tell whether I feel sexual attraction?”

Honestly? If you’re unsure whether you’ve ever felt sexual attraction, or you genuinely can’t tell what sexual attraction is supposed to feel like, I think it’s completely reasonable to identify as asexual if the label feels helpful.

And here’s the important part:

Only you can label your own attraction.

No one else can climb into your brain and tell you what you feel. No one can decide your identity for you. No one can stop you from using the label that helps you understand yourself.

Your identity can change and still be valid.

You might identify as asexual now and later realize a different label fits better.

That does not mean you were lying to yourself.

That does not mean it was “just a phase”.

That does not mean you were wrong.

That does not mean anything was wrong with you.

It just means you learned more about yourself, or your experience changed. People change. Brains are funny like that.

Personal example: I used to be strongly repulsed by anything related to sex for no clear reason—until my brain spontaneously decided, at age 28, that it was no longer repulsed.

It even chose sex as a special interest, because apparently my brain enjoys plot twists.

That didn’t mean I had finally “grown up” or “matured”. I had already been a legal adult for a decade.

I had simply changed.

And the fact that I’m no longer sex-repulsed doesn’t make me any less aroace.

It also doesn’t mean I was wrong to be repulsed before. That was my experience at the time, and it was real.

Final thought:

If the asexual label helps you understand yourself, you’re allowed to use it.

You don’t need to prove you’re “ace enough”.

You don’t need to know exactly how you’ll feel forever.

You’re allowed to explore, question, change, and still be valid the whole way through.

Hope this helps. 🖤 🩶 🤍 💜

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TL;DR: You’re allowed to question. You’re allowed to use the label. You’re allowed to change. Your current experience still counts.

so I’m a 20 yr old male, I dont really like to put labels on my sexuality, but for the sake of the question I’m talking about me, a biological male having sex with biological women. I’ve always wanted, since I was 14, a huge family with a ton of kids (not adopting. I respect it, but I really just want kids that look like me and have my DNA) and I really just want to have as many kids as possible.

the thing is, a little bit ago, I was looking at a vagina while having some ‘persona time’ (usually I never actually look at one, i usually just look at the women or if I’m having sex Its in the dark because im scared of making a weird face or doing something equally embarrassing, so i dont usually see it when i eat it) and i was extremely put off. to give some context, i can watch porn while eating, and have a very strong stomach. I even run competitions for money with my friends to see who can keep eating while watching disgusting video, and I always win.

Looking at a vagina legitimately made me gag.

i thought it’d have to just be that one that made me sick to my stomach, but i kept looking at them, and it kept happening. I tried to look at diagrams of the vagina to see if I’m looking at some kind of disease, but they really just look gross. it’s like chewed up bubble gum with a hole in it, and crinkly, fleshy masses that stretch, with parts poking out sometimes, and it’s generally all around nasty.

i know i sound like an incel, but I’m genuinely scared to disappoint my girlfriend or hurt her feelings, but I’m scared i won’t be able to get hard or I might gag when we start. can I get tips on what to do?