r/Betrayal

A month and a half ago my parter of 18 years (F39) told me (M39) she wanted a divorce, the reason being that she wants to be alone and on her own, not in a romantic relationship. We have two daughters aged 12 and 5.

For context, my partner has had a life with several family problems. Her sister wasd iagnosed with schizophrenia / borderline disorder / bipolarity in her early teens and is now in her mid 30's. After several suicide attempts my partners’ sister lives life in and out of psych wards and clinics. My partners father recently went bankrupt and became deeply indebted to several people. My partner has been dealing with this for 3 years now and it has had a profound impact on her. Over the past few months she spent most of the time lying down, on the smartphone, said that if it wasn’t for the girls she wouldn’t get out of bed.

Moving on to our marriage and divorce, our marriage was not in full health. Passion was missing and we were too bored with the routine of family affairs and taking care of the girls. However, since late last year we had decided to start going to fancy restaurants together, and this year we bought lots of tickets for concerts which we would go to together. The divorce announcement in May 22^(nd) came with a bang. At first I became decided to propose a solution, therapy, something to see if it could be salvaged. The answer was always the same “I love you but I want to be on my own, I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship”.

A few weeks later I noticed that she was very protective of her phone. Always had it on herself and spent several hours on it. Eventually I found a single Whatsapp message from our daughter’s basketball teacher that ended with “I adore you”. I confronted her, and she admitted to having been sending and receiving messages since a few weeks back. The coach isn’t totally new to our relationship: last year she mentioned that he was an interesting person that might be a good friend (I told her this is a marriage not a prison, you can have friendships) and in February while I was on a work trip she messaged me asking if I thought it was a good idea do ask the coach for a drink. I said what I had said before but that as a teacher myself, I would find it very awkward if the mother of a student of mine asked me for a drink. It is a boundary I would not cross.

I eventually found more messages, even worst ones not from her but from him: saying he wants to desperately be with her, that he made the decision to be present in this phase long ago, talking about all the tomorrows they’ll have together, etc. Despite now having seen any message from her (she deletes the chat permanently) this indicates me that this was consensual, and that she had an active role. We have a shared message Google photos account, all photos from our phones go straight to the shared folder. She says that it was just messaging in recent weeks but going through the archive I notice that selfies and selfie videos become more common from September and October 2025 onwards. I honestly believe that this started way before and it wasn't just the last weeks. That the fact that she was always depressed and lying down was the toll of the double life getting to her. She keeps denying, says she fell for him but it is just a fling that developed recently.

Two weeks ago we started birdnesting, it is supposed to last until the housing situation is sorted. I left for the first week, she stayed with the girls. It was honestly one of the most horrible days of my life, the realization that I would no longer be able to be with my girls permanently broke me in ways that are hard to describe. I also miss my partner. She was my company and best friend for 20 years. We dated since 2008, got together in 2012 and married in 2019. One week later, it was her turn. She told me she was going to her parent’s home after leaving for her week out. She went straight to his home in the afternoon and later went to watch a movie with him.

She keeps saying that she loves me, wants us to be friends, that she does not exclude a reconciliation and wants to be on her own, that if she wanted to be with anyone it would be me. The coach thing was just a fling. She wants me around and in her life. That she is leaving to live on her own, that I will se that she will be alone.

I am broken to a point that is hard to describe. I feel hollow and hopeless. I am in therapy and called the emergency line because I was feeling very down, with suicidal ideation. I am now on medication. I am on the process of going through the divorce, all the legal and paperwork stuff and am extremely tired. We settled amicably – shared custody, shared everything. I am extremely anxious and having trouble sleeping and concentrating at work. Everyone tells me this will take years and might never actually leave. The symptoms are similar to the ones of PTSD. I feel hopeless, hollow and cannot stay still or focus on anything.

I am reaching out to hear your opinions. Having gone through some threads here I resonated with a lot of stuff. I also would like to know what I should do about the Affair partner if he comes into the scene, which I believe will. How should I behave? What about my daughters? I honestly don’t want that person in their lives, especially regarding the oldest, which was trained by him. How should I position myself on this?

What are some strategies, choices and options I should take managing this?

Thank you for taking the time reading my story.

Has anyone used anti depressants to cope with betrayal. I found out about a 7 month affair about a month ago.

I have a lot going on at the moment and big decisions to make about the future of my children's careers as high performance athletes.

This betrayal is all consuming and I am of no use to anyone in this state although I still work as high performance coach. Or go through the motions. An hour feels like a day while working and there is no motivation.

22 years of marriage do not prepare you for this.

I went to the GP to ask about options and he prescribed Sertraline. Not even a 5min consultation.

After 4 days I stopped taking it once I realised that I would most likely have to stay on it for a year.

I am not comfortable with that.

My wife and I are still together and trying to work though it. Time will tell.

Anyone who has used SSRI's who would recommend it or not?

I’m 35, My partner (31) of 3.5 years (who last year told me she wanted to marry me) I found out had cheated on me with another woman at work, who is 5 years younger than her and also in her own long term relationship. She started isolating me out of her life before I found out, slept on the sofa and started going to stay at her parents in the week. I found out about the affair from chat gbt, she had left a chat on her laptop and she had confessed ‘they were falling for each other’ had been physical and that she was able to compartmentalise and didn’t want to distance herself from the affair woman. She was comparing my worst parts ‘low mood, doesn’t like her job’ to the affair partner who is ‘driven, has a lust for life and ignites a fire in her’ .

Her mum has cheated on her dad several times and is a compulsive liar , even pretending she had nearly died from a cardiac arrest 2 days after my mum had died from suspected cardiac arrest, my partner had always claimed her mum was a narcissist and she was so against cheating and it being morally wrong. I asked her several times since the end of January if there was anyone else, she kept saying no and gaslighting me whilst turning her phone away from me and spending longer in the bathroom and coming home later from work. She had hidden her messages on instagram and had deleted them all. She brought up random examples about how I said hurtful things about her Mum, and how because she is a people pleaser she just absorbed it and didn’t think about her emotions, just mine. I suggested therapy to resolve, this was before I found out about the affair. She was vague and bringing up random examples of where I had hurt her, but didn’t want to talk until she understood it - something she could only do whilst being at her parents away from me. It was so confusing.

I also went through a cancer scare during all of this - she said ‘we will get through this’ (luckily I do not have cancer) but after I found out, I said this whole time I’ve also been worried about my health, she didn’t support me to any of the appointments and said ‘well I still cared about you’ - whilst she was lying and messaging her work place affair. It makes me feel physically sick to think she did that to me.

When I found out in April and confronted her she initially said sorry, but then become the victim of her own behaviour, saying she had ‘hurt herself’ and she was going to become ‘unwell’, had self destructed and imploded her life. Even comparing what she had done, to the death of her ex who had died by suicide, saying she hadn’t felt like this since she had died (like the shock and grief).. she had no desire to fix the relationship, and said one day in the future if you are still single and want to try again thats the ideal. She also said ‘You never know maybe we needed to go through this to come back stronger’ (her cheating almost became a shared hurt/trauma??) Until then she wants to figure out ‘how she got here and why she did what she did’. She smokes and vapes now and told me I was her buffer and Im better at taking care of myself then she is. I am sure she is still seeing the woman from her work. I told her she has ruined my life when I found out and was upset, her respond was ‘you said I’ve ruined your life, but you are still young’. What really hurts and feels shit is I called her once suspecting that another woman was in her car with her (we used to always share location with each other) she was sat somewhere for a long time in her car after work, I called her, she didn’t pick up, called me back and said ‘oh my friend just left my car’ I automatically knew something was up- she was defensive and then turned off her location because she said I had also been accessory of her, because I said I felt weird… my intuition knew. She had the cheek to say to me later ‘look at my mum, you think I could do that?’ (Because her mum had cheated and lied to her dad) turns out she was doing the same thing to me all along.

She wanted to have a chat with me to tell me about all the things that affected her in the relationship, Ive refused this as she just feels manipulative at the moment. She has moved to her parents and collected the last of her things last week, I put her things in bags and left it outside the flat as I didn’t want to see her (my boundary as every time I had seen her she keeps telling me ‘Im not asking you to wait for me, but maybe one day in the future we can try again’ and asking for hugs and acting sad’) so I kept it to text messages. The only thing she asked was whether I was keeping the playstation I brought her for Christmas, I was upset during her collecting her things and her only concern is a piece of plastic that I paid for. I ignored this, she asked again. I ignored. She refused to leave the key as she is paying towards the rent until August, Ive paid the rent for the flat for the last 3 years on my own, she said she didn’t feel comfortable leaving the key and said she may not have all her stuff - suggesting I am trying to keep her belongings. I told her she can always come and get her things. I feel like I’m being treated like Im the one that lied for months and cheated / gaslit her.

I am completely baffled and don’t understand how we got here, I supported her through her masters for the last 2 years emotionally and financially and now she has qualified she has cheated and left. I trusted her with my life, she went through the death of my mum with me and less than 2 years later she has done this to me. The hurt is huge and I am trying to find ways to get through this without feeling like Im losing my mind asking questions and trying to understand what happened here, I feel completely blind sided and shocked. One minute I feel strong and then I romantize her, and can’t believe she has become this person. We went away in January, and she was fine by the end of the month she turned into a different person.

I am now trying to manage the anger / hurt and need some advice. Why would she have jeopardized our loving, supportive and safe relationship for a woman at work, 5 years younger than her that is also of capable of lying and cheating on her own partner!? I keep thinking back to times when I knew something was off, staying at work later, drinks with work friends and generally being vague and weird with me. And she kept repeatedly telling me it wasn’t anyone and how she didn’t want to be single and she was just ‘burnt out’ and needed space and didn’t have capacity to be with anyone. I asked her so many times and so calmly, I never shouted at her, not even when I found out about the affair. She claims she is a people pleaser and has always put everyones needs before herself in a relationship, so now needs the time to focus on herself… I find this hard to believe considering she has now had an affair.

Could anyone please give me some advice / share their wisdom.. or if you have been through something similar? And how do you stop obsessing why they did it or process the hurt and anger? I honestly feel like I am gaslighting myself, like she wasn’t / isn’t that bad?

Thanks so much for any encouraging / supportive words! I really really appreciate it!

Update (26/06) : I think I’ve started thinking about all the ways in which she actually behaved narcissistic which is coming up now? For example, before I found out about the affair she started isolating me out of her life/ family/ friends, staying at her parents and generally making me feel like I had done something wrong and it was so confusing, She kept saying she needed time to think and she could only do that at her parents / away from me , she claimed to be ‘burnt out’ due to her studies and her job. During this time she basically eluded to she didn’t know if we could stay together based on hurt she had felt from like years ago and bringing up random examples.. she said ‘this is not a decision In taking lightly’ basically saying ‘my family love you so she had to really think about it.’ We had also last year been invited to her friends wedding , it was coming closer and we booked a room, she didn’t say I would like us to go together, she said ‘i want to show up for my friend, no matter what’ basically anyone would think I had the affair and had done something wrong snd we were going to ‘show face’. We had talked about getting married and starting a family last year, buying a hone and getting married - she even told friend was thinking to propose. During her ‘burn out’ she started saying ‘but do you want those things even if you weren’t with me?’ And when I said ‘yes, she looked relieved and said ‘good’. A few days after I found out about the affair her and her friend went and did a hike, posting pictures of them smiling on social media and they went to a nightclub together, acting completely fine. She even messaged me asking for my time of my birth as her friend wanted to do a ‘love compatibility test’ for us … after she has cheated? Meanwhile I was at home crying and unable to eat.

Just her all of her treatment was awful when I look back now, how do you even really process this level of hurt from someone you trusted with your life. Its hitting me everyday, she feels like a stranger and like a button had been turned off in her? Im just honestly baffled. Does this get any easier?

I just wanted some advice on recovering from betrayal trauma/ discard … I’ve never experienced something like this in my life.

Update (26/06) : I think I’ve started thinking about all the ways in which she actually behaved narcissistic which is coming up now? For example, before I found out about the affair she started isolating me out of her life/ family/ friends, staying at her parents and generally making me feel like I had done something wrong and it was so confusing, She kept saying she needed time to think and she could only do that at her parents / away from me , she claimed to be ‘burnt out’ due to her studies and her job. During this time she basically eluded to she didn’t know if we could stay together based on hurt she had felt from like years ago and bringing up random examples.. she said ‘this is not a decision In taking lightly’ basically saying ‘my family love you so she had to really think about it.’ We had also last year been invited to her friends wedding , it was coming closer and we booked a room, she didn’t say I would like us to go together, she said ‘i want to show up for my friend, no matter what’ basically anyone would think I had the affair and had done something wrong snd we were going to ‘show face’. We had talked about getting married and starting a family last year, buying a hone and getting married - she even told friend was thinking to propose. During her ‘burn out’ she started saying ‘but do you want those things even if you weren’t with me?’ And when I said ‘yes, she looked relieved and said ‘good’. A few days after I found out about the affair her and her friend went and did a hike, posting pictures of them smiling on social media and they went to a nightclub together, acting completely fine. She even messaged me asking for my time of my birth as her friend wanted to do a ‘love compatibility test’ for us … after she has cheated? Meanwhile I was at home crying and unable to eat.

Just her all of her treatment was awful when I look back now, how do you even really process this level of hurt from someone you trusted with your life. Its hitting me everyday, she feels like a stranger and like a button had been turned off in her? Im just honestly baffled. Does this get any easier?

I just wanted some advice on recovering from betrayal trauma/ discard … I’ve never experienced something like this in my life.

I’m 35, My partner (31) of 3.5 years (who last year told me she wanted to marry me) I found out had cheated on me with another woman at work, who is 5 years younger than her and also in her own long term relationship. She started isolating me out of her life before I found out, slept on the sofa and started going to stay at her parents in the week. I found out about the affair from chat gbt, she had left a chat on her laptop and she had confessed ‘they were falling for each other’ had been physical and that she was able to compartmentalise and didn’t want to distance herself from the affair woman. She was comparing my worst parts ‘low mood, doesn’t like her job’ to the affair partner who is ‘driven, has a lust for life and ignites a fire in her’ .

Her mum has cheated on her dad several times and is a compulsive liar , even pretending she had nearly died from a cardiac arrest 2 days after my mum had died from suspected cardiac arrest, my partner had always claimed her mum was a narcissist and she was so against cheating and it being morally wrong. I asked her several times since the end of January if there was anyone else, she kept saying no and gaslighting me whilst turning her phone away from me and spending longer in the bathroom and coming home later from work. She had hidden her messages on instagram and had deleted them all. She brought up random examples about how I said hurtful things about her Mum, and how because she is a people pleaser she just absorbed it and didn’t think about her emotions, just mine. I suggested therapy to resolve, this was before I found out about the affair. She was vague and bringing up random examples of where I had hurt her, but didn’t want to talk until she understood it - something she could only do whilst being at her parents away from me. It was so confusing.

I also went through a cancer scare during all of this - she said ‘we will get through this’ (luckily I do not have cancer) but after I found out, I said this whole time I’ve also been worried about my health, she didn’t support me to any of the appointments and said ‘well I still cared about you’ - whilst she was lying and messaging her work place affair. It makes me feel physically sick to think she did that to me.

When I found out in April and confronted her she initially said sorry, but then become the victim of her own behaviour, saying she had ‘hurt herself’ and she was going to become ‘unwell’, had self destructed and imploded her life. Even comparing what she had done, to the death of her ex who had died by suicide, saying she hadn’t felt like this since she had died (like the shock and grief).. she had no desire to fix the relationship, and said one day in the future if you are still single and want to try again thats the ideal. She also said ‘You never know maybe we needed to go through this to come back stronger’ (her cheating almost became a shared hurt/trauma??) Until then she wants to figure out ‘how she got here and why she did what she did’. She smokes and vapes now and told me I was her buffer and Im better at taking care of myself then she is. I am sure she is still seeing the woman from her work. I told her she has ruined my life when I found out and was upset, her respond was ‘you said I’ve ruined your life, but you are still young’

She wanted to have a chat with me to tell me about all the things that affected her in the relationship, Ive refused this as she just feels manipulative at the moment. She has moved to her parents and collected the last of her things last week, I put her things in bags and left it outside the flat as I didn’t want to see her (my boundary as every time I had seen her she keeps telling me ‘Im not asking you to wait for me, but maybe one day in the future we can try again’ and asking for hugs and acting sad’) so I kept it to text messages. The only thing she asked was whether I was keeping the playstation I brought her for Christmas, I was upset during her collecting her things and her only concern is a piece of plastic that I paid for. I ignored this, she asked again. I ignored. She refused to leave the key as she is paying towards the rent until August, Ive paid the rent for the flat for the last 3 years on my own, she said she didn’t feel comfortable leaving the key and said she may not have all her stuff - suggesting I am trying to keep her belongings. I told her she can always come and get her things. I feel like I’m being treated like Im the one that lied for months and cheated / gaslit her.

I am completely baffled and don’t understand how we got here, I supported her through her masters for the last 2 years emotionally and financially and now she has qualified she has cheated and left. I trusted her with my life, she went through the death of my mum with me and less than 2 years later she has done this to me. The hurt is huge and I am trying to find ways to get through this without feeling like Im losing my mind asking questions and trying to understand what happened here, I feel completely blind sided and shocked. One minute I feel strong and then I romantize her, and can’t believe she has become this person. We went away in January, and she was fine by the end of the month she turned into a different person.

I am now trying to manage the anger / hurt and need some advice. Why would she have jeopardized our loving, supportive and safe relationship for a woman at work, 5 years younger than her that is also of capable of lying and cheating on her own partner!? I keep thinking back to times when I knew something was off, staying at work later, drinks with work friends and generally being vague and weird with me. And she kept repeatedly telling me it wasn’t anyone and how she didn’t want to be single and she was just ‘burnt out’ and needed space and didn’t have capacity to be with anyone. I asked her so many times and so calmly, I never shouted at her, not even when I found out about the affair. She claims she is a people pleaser and has always put everyones needs before herself in a relationship, so now needs the time to focus on herself… I find this hard to believe considering she has now had an affair.

Could anyone please give me some advice / share their wisdom.. or if you have been through something similar? And how do you stop obsessing why they did it or process the hurt and anger? I honestly feel like I am gaslighting myself, like she wasn’t / isn’t that bad?

Thanks so much for any encouraging / supportive words! I really really appreciate it!

Ive been with my husband for 26 years, hes 8 years older than me. Hes currently 53. In the last year he met a woman who is 26 and who he sees at a workspace they both work at. She has been sharing her marital issues with him and only him. My husband talks about her the moment he gets in from work. At first I didnt think anything of it. But then she started to share with my husband the ins and outs of her couples therapy sessions and something felt off. I explained to my husband that its a bit strange how she's only sharing this with him. I noticed his whattsapp was turned to silent and he took a while to answer my mesaages which was out of the ordinary. I found out she text him daily even at weekends and very late at night. She was doing lots of free work for him stuff that would cost hundreds. . Again, that felt off. He told me he was going to meet her at a coffee shop to do some work on a Saturday. So he went out at 2pm and came back at 7.30pm. I found out that he'd arranged to go to the pub with her. I was devastated as I felt this was not ok. He told me an elaborate story first off and then said yes he lied but was not remorseful more angry. He continued to text her and even talked about having to walk on eggshells around me and that im keeping tabs on him. So I assume he told her something bad about me. I know this asking checked his phone.

This kind of brought back a lot of other betrayals from 16 years ago when he met a woman, again younger and shared her marital issues with him, they then shared naked videos and pictures together which I found on our computer and the woman was really falling for him. He lied about it for 6 months until I confronted the woman.

A few years before that he met a much younger woman she was 19 he was 30s, and shared a naked picture of me to her and she sent him a sexy pic in lingerie. Again he spoke about these womwn all the time. After all these incidents were found out he was angry, shameful I guess and we never repaired. I shut myself off I guess from mistrust etc as I thought we were happy. The thing is, I never had an issue with him having more women friends.

The recent incident, am I over reacting. He said he was going to cut ties from her personally and thats taken a while for him to do. He has stopped going to the shared work space on a regular basis. I feel like I dont know my husband and feel so lost. My attachment style is clearly not helping as im very family orientated and its my main focus. Im going to therapy as I cant seem to understand the lies. Im convinced he doesnt think hes really done anything wrong and now im starting to question if im over reacting. Ive not spoken to anyone about any of these incidents, so would appreciate any advice.

Thanks for reading the lengthy post.

I just wanted some advice on recovering from betrayal trauma/ discard … I’ve never experienced something like this in my life.

I’m 35, My partner (31) of 3.5 years (who last year told me she wanted to marry me) I found out had cheated on me with another woman at work, who is 5 years younger than her and also in her own long term relationship. She started isolating me out of her life before I found out, slept on the sofa and started going to stay at her parents in the week. I found out about the affair from chat gbt, she had left a chat on her laptop and she had confessed ‘they were falling for each other’ had been physical and that she was able to compartmentalise and didn’t want to distance herself from the affair woman. She was comparing my worst parts ‘low mood, doesn’t like her job’ to the affair partner who is ‘driven, has a lust for life and ignites a fire in her’ .

Her mum has cheated on her dad several times and is a compulsive liar , even pretending she had nearly died from a cardiac arrest 2 days after my mum had died from suspected cardiac arrest, my partner had always claimed her mum was a narcissist and she was so against cheating and it being morally wrong. I asked her several times since the end of January if there was anyone else, she kept saying no and gaslighting me whilst turning her phone away from me and spending longer in the bathroom and coming home later from work. She had hidden her messages on instagram and had deleted them all. She brought up random examples about how I said hurtful things about her Mum, and how because she is a people pleaser she just absorbed it and didn’t think about her emotions, just mine. I suggested therapy to resolve, this was before I found out about the affair. She was vague and bringing up random examples of where I had hurt her, but didn’t want to talk until she understood it - something she could only do whilst being at her parents away from me. It was so confusing.

I also went through a cancer scare during all of this - she said ‘we will get through this’ (luckily I do not have cancer) but after I found out, I said this whole time I’ve also been worried about my health, she didn’t support me to any of the appointments and said ‘well I still cared about you’ - whilst she was lying and messaging her work place affair. It makes me feel physically sick to think she did that to me.

When I found out in April and confronted her she initially said sorry, but then become the victim of her own behaviour, saying she had ‘hurt herself’ and she was going to become ‘unwell’, had self destructed and imploded her life. Even comparing what she had done, to the death of her ex who had died by suicide, saying she hadn’t felt like this since she had died (like the shock and grief).. she had no desire to fix the relationship, and said one day in the future if you are still single and want to try again thats the ideal. She also said ‘You never know maybe we needed to go through this to come back stronger’ (her cheating almost became a shared hurt/trauma??) Until then she wants to figure out ‘how she got here and why she did what she did’. She smokes and vapes now and told me I was her buffer and Im better at taking care of myself then she is. I am sure she is still seeing the woman from her work. I told her she has ruined my life when I found out and was upset, her respond was ‘you said I’ve ruined your life, but you are still young’

She wanted to have a chat with me to tell me about all the things that affected her in the relationship, Ive refused this as she just feels manipulative at the moment. She has moved to her parents and collected the last of her things last week, I put her things in bags and left it outside the flat as I didn’t want to see her (my boundary as every time I had seen her she keeps telling me ‘Im not asking you to wait for me, but maybe one day in the future we can try again’ and asking for hugs and acting sad’) so I kept it to text messages. The only thing she asked was whether I was keeping the playstation I brought her for Christmas, I was upset during her collecting her things and her only concern is a piece of plastic that I paid for. I ignored this, she asked again. I ignored. She refused to leave the key as she is paying towards the rent until August, Ive paid the rent for the flat for the last 3 years on my own, she said she didn’t feel comfortable leaving the key and said she may not have all her stuff - suggesting I am trying to keep her belongings. I told her she can always come and get her things. I feel like I’m being treated like Im the one that lied for months and cheated / gaslit her.

I am completely baffled and don’t understand how we got here, I supported her through her masters for the last 2 years emotionally and financially and now she has qualified she has cheated and left. I trusted her with my life, she went through the death of my mum with me and less than 2 years later she has done this to me. The hurt is huge and I am trying to find ways to get through this without feeling like Im losing my mind asking questions and trying to understand what happened here, I feel completely blind sided and shocked. One minute I feel strong and then I romantize her, and can’t believe she has become this person. We went away in January, and she was fine by the end of the month she turned into a different person.

I am now trying to manage the anger / hurt and need some advice. Why would she have jeopardized our loving, supportive and safe relationship for a woman at work, 5 years younger than her that is also of capable of lying and cheating on her own partner!? I keep thinking back to times when I knew something was off, staying at work later, drinks with work friends and generally being vague and weird with me. And she kept repeatedly telling me it wasn’t anyone and how she didn’t want to be single and she was just ‘burnt out’ and needed space and didn’t have capacity to be with anyone. I asked her so many times and so calmly, I never shouted at her, not even when I found out about the affair.

Could anyone please give me some advice / share their wisdom.. or if you have been through something similar? And how do you stop obsessing why they did it or process the hurt and anger?

Thanks so much for any encouraging / supportive words!

I wrote on here recently about my ex-partner, there has been some updates and I feel like Im going mad. Why would my ex who confessed to chat gbt that her and her affair partner were ‘falling for each other’ and ‘she ignites a fire in her’. Why does she now feel the need to play these control / power games… why not just move on? Surely if you are happy and in love, whats the need to play these games?

I am 35 and my partner of 3.5 years, who had previously told me she wanted to marry me, had an affair with a younger woman from work who was also in a long-term relationship.
In the months leading up to me discovering the affair, she became increasingly distant, sleeping on the sofa, spending more time at her parents’ house, hiding messages and denying there was anyone else whenever I asked. I later discovered messages in which she admitted the affair had become emotional and physical, and was comparing me negatively to the other woman.
What makes the betrayal especially painful is that this was happening while I was going through a cancer scare. Although she reassured me that we would get through it together, she was simultaneously lying to me and continuing the affair. Thankfully I do not have cancer, but finding out the truth during such a vulnerable time has been deeply traumatic.

When confronted, she apologised initially but quickly focused on her own distress rather than the harm she had caused. She showed no real interest in repairing the relationship, yet repeatedly suggested that we might get back together in the future, which felt confusing and manipulative given her actions.

Since the separation, I have set firm boundaries and limited contact. However, I have been left feeling as though I am being treated like the person who did something wrong, despite being the one who was lied to, deceived and betrayed. The whole experience has left me struggling with the loss of the relationship, the shock of her behaviour, and the lasting impact of the betrayal.

She came and collect her stuff last week which I left outside our flat in communal hallway in bags as I didn’t want her back in my space manipulating me. The only thing she messaged was to ask if I was keeping the playstation I brought her for Christmas, which I ignored. She refused to give me the key as she didn’t feel giving it as the tenancy ends in August, there is no need for her to have the key anymore.

Her friend then this week out of nowhere messaged me ‘checking in’ and asking if she could cone and see me to check if I was okay. Her friend has come over once in the 3 years we have lived in my flat to see us both, she would never just pop over. She has clearly asked her to check in, right?

Also, I removed my ex from my instagram and deleted the photos of her. She has since removed the photos of me, but hasn’t deleted the pictures of her ex from 5 years who passed away and when I was with her never unfollowed exes and allowed them to follow her. This all feels like a game…

Can someone please just objectively tell me if Im going mad or if this seems like game playing? I feel like Im being punished for something I didn’t do!