Unsure of what to do, husband being emotionally abusive
For the past few years mostly(although it’s been going on much longer but not as bad) my husband has been very emotionally abusive because of my ED. We are both almost 40
W 2 kids. I’ve been dealing with an ED for 20
Years. Mostly in form of “quasi” recovered state, not severely underweight, but very compulsive exercise and rigid eating routines. Very ocd for both which I’m not on medication for. I’ve been seeing a therapist weekly for a couple years, and went to residential last year but left after 2 weeks , for unforeseen circumstance. It actually was a relief being there, (even though the no movement piece was very hard. )
Anyways, over the past 3 yrs my husband has become more annoyed at my ways. And feels my inflexibility around my routines to be hard to live with. I am completely understanding of all of this and am never denying that it isn’t an issue. I’ve just obviously been living with the need to have this routine to keep me “safe”. Especially when I became a mom, I latched on to the need for my exercise and eating routine even more. Covid further engrained it . A year ago I worked w a recovery coach who told me I would need to go cold turkey on exercise. This was the most difficult thing to do and still haven’t completely stoppped for prolonged period. I cut it down, changed things out, just walked… but would spiral back. My husband (also an athlete and loves to workout) knew my coach told me I’d need to completely stop … so in trying to go from hours of exercise to nothing , it was not easy. I’d find myself doing squats around the house to get little bursts in , or burpees upstairs while putting clothes away, and if he suspected something he would be super angry. I became very afraid of him and his reactions. So I struggled, trying to completely stop , but still trying to just get even 10 min of something in , in secret. And this snowballed. I’d have to go for walks while running errands on days he worked from home. Or try to sneak in little bits here and there. It was so stressful. Still is. Later I reached back out to my therapist to work with her again and she said she never would have had me try to go cold turkey. She’d ween me down. My psychiatrist said the same thing. And being how bad my ocd became , that it would be nearly impossible to just stop it all without medication. But my husband just saw any bit of me working out as failure and resistance and refusal to change. Yet it’s funny that he has always been so controlling and upset about me doing any form of exercise yet never upset if I don’t eat something or seeing me continue eating the way I eat. Which ultimately me going for a walk could be the lesser of the evils compared to not eating?
So… because of all this. We live in constant state of tension. He doesn’t see the change he thinks I should have made already and wants me
To go back to a treatment facility and is basically emotionally abusive , and seeming to punish me into going. Which many of u may know that will not work. He lashes out at me a lot, makes harsh remarks , always has a mean tone , doesn’t talk to me at all unless I ask a question. Many times says he doesn’t care about me, thinks i dont care about anyone and refuse to change, which is mot the case. I am not happy with the mental torture loop of living with this . I am not content and saying oh I don’t care this is how i want to be. I told him if I got to point where I feel I can’t do it in my own , I will reach out to centersbut I am not at that point. It’s difficult as a mom as well, and my kids have already dealt with me being away a few times (once to a facility and twice to my aunts to try and create a facility like environment to change behaviors, which did work) but my kids were falling apart each time. It’s hard knowing how mean and cold my husband has become and how little he has truly cared about me . I don’t know I could get over knowing how he has treated me. I am not a bad person, just saline with a mental illness. Yet he goes telling his family and friends I lie and am deceitful simply because I was struggling trying to not exercise, and not being able to fully stop. I’m sure others know how this disease can make u shameful and secretive to simply survive. I wasn’t refusing to change by caving and going for a walk when I was told to cold turkey do nothing, I was just struggling. Going from hours of intense exercise to trying to do nothing at all. Anyways, long vent. But looking for any advice
And similar stories.