r/GaslightingCheck

I feel the strong urge to reach out to an old friend, a friend that I cut off, after I accused her of gaslighting and being dishonest.

I’ve realised as I’ve gotten older that someone might unknowingly gaslight/lie, as we sometimes remember things differently, and they genuinely don’t think they’re doing anything wrong.

Though I remember the events specifically and have other people that had seen it for themselves, I often grieve at the fact that I was so concreted in calling them “deceptive” and a “gaslighter”.

Has anyone been in anything similar, and has reached out before? It’s been three years. I’m not looking to make amends, more so to apologise.

At the time, it really messed me up when she’d tell me the events I remembered was not true, even though I had support from others. I just wish I didn’t retaliate so angrily.

Has anyone else experience it like this?

I’m 35, My partner (31) of 3.5 years (who last year told me she wanted to marry me) I found out had cheated on me with another woman at work, who is 5 years younger than her and also in her own long term relationship. She started isolating me out of her life before I found out, slept on the sofa and started going to stay at her parents in the week. I found out about the affair from chat gbt, she had left a chat on her laptop and she had confessed ‘they were falling for each other’ had been physical and that she was able to compartmentalise and didn’t want to distance herself from the affair woman. She was comparing my worst parts ‘low mood, doesn’t like her job’ to the affair partner who is ‘driven, has a lust for life and ignites a fire in her’ .

Her mum has cheated on her dad several times and is a compulsive liar , even pretending she had nearly died from a cardiac arrest 2 days after my mum had died from suspected cardiac arrest, my partner had always claimed her mum was a narcissist and she was so against cheating and it being morally wrong. I asked her several times since the end of January if there was anyone else, she kept saying no and gaslighting me whilst turning her phone away from me and spending longer in the bathroom and coming home later from work. She had hidden her messages on instagram and had deleted them all. She brought up random examples about how I said hurtful things about her Mum, and how because she is a people pleaser she just absorbed it and didn’t think about her emotions, just mine. I suggested therapy to resolve, this was before I found out about the affair. She was vague and bringing up random examples of where I had hurt her, but didn’t want to talk until she understood it - something she could only do whilst being at her parents away from me. It was so confusing.

I also went through a cancer scare during all of this - she said ‘we will get through this’ (luckily I do not have cancer) but after I found out, I said this whole time I’ve also been worried about my health, she didn’t support me to any of the appointments and said ‘well I still cared about you’ - whilst she was lying and messaging her work place affair. It makes me feel physically sick to think she did that to me.

When I found out in April and confronted her she initially said sorry, but then become the victim of her own behaviour, saying she had ‘hurt herself’ and she was going to become ‘unwell’, had self destructed and imploded her life. Even comparing what she had done, to the death of her ex who had died by suicide, saying she hadn’t felt like this since she had died (like the shock and grief).. she had no desire to fix the relationship, and said one day in the future if you are still single and want to try again thats the ideal. She also said ‘You never know maybe we needed to go through this to come back stronger’ (her cheating almost became a shared hurt/trauma??) Until then she wants to figure out ‘how she got here and why she did what she did’. She smokes and vapes now and told me I was her buffer and Im better at taking care of myself then she is. I am sure she is still seeing the woman from her work. I told her she has ruined my life when I found out and was upset, her respond was ‘you said I’ve ruined your life, but you are still young’. What really hurts and feels shit is I called her once suspecting that another woman was in her car with her (we used to always share location with each other) she was sat somewhere for a long time in her car after work, I called her, she didn’t pick up, called me back and said ‘oh my friend just left my car’ I automatically knew something was up- she was defensive and then turned off her location because she said I had also been accessory of her, because I said I felt weird… my intuition knew. She had the cheek to say to me later ‘look at my mum, you think I could do that?’ (Because her mum had cheated and lied to her dad) turns out she was doing the same thing to me all along.

She wanted to have a chat with me to tell me about all the things that affected her in the relationship, Ive refused this as she just feels manipulative at the moment. She has moved to her parents and collected the last of her things last week, I put her things in bags and left it outside the flat as I didn’t want to see her (my boundary as every time I had seen her she keeps telling me ‘Im not asking you to wait for me, but maybe one day in the future we can try again’ and asking for hugs and acting sad’) so I kept it to text messages. The only thing she asked was whether I was keeping the playstation I brought her for Christmas, I was upset during her collecting her things and her only concern is a piece of plastic that I paid for. I ignored this, she asked again. I ignored. She refused to leave the key as she is paying towards the rent until August, Ive paid the rent for the flat for the last 3 years on my own, she said she didn’t feel comfortable leaving the key and said she may not have all her stuff - suggesting I am trying to keep her belongings. I told her she can always come and get her things. I feel like I’m being treated like Im the one that lied for months and cheated / gaslit her.

I am completely baffled and don’t understand how we got here, I supported her through her masters for the last 2 years emotionally and financially and now she has qualified she has cheated and left. I trusted her with my life, she went through the death of my mum with me and less than 2 years later she has done this to me. The hurt is huge and I am trying to find ways to get through this without feeling like Im losing my mind asking questions and trying to understand what happened here, I feel completely blind sided and shocked. One minute I feel strong and then I romantize her, and can’t believe she has become this person. We went away in January, and she was fine by the end of the month she turned into a different person.

I am now trying to manage the anger / hurt and need some advice. Why would she have jeopardized our loving, supportive and safe relationship for a woman at work, 5 years younger than her that is also of capable of lying and cheating on her own partner!? I keep thinking back to times when I knew something was off, staying at work later, drinks with work friends and generally being vague and weird with me. And she kept repeatedly telling me it wasn’t anyone and how she didn’t want to be single and she was just ‘burnt out’ and needed space and didn’t have capacity to be with anyone. I asked her so many times and so calmly, I never shouted at her, not even when I found out about the affair. She claims she is a people pleaser and has always put everyones needs before herself in a relationship, so now needs the time to focus on herself… I find this hard to believe considering she has now had an affair.

Could anyone please give me some advice / share their wisdom.. or if you have been through something similar? And how do you stop obsessing why they did it or process the hurt and anger? I honestly feel like I am gaslighting myself, like she wasn’t / isn’t that bad?

Thanks so much for any encouraging / supportive words! I really really appreciate it!

Update (26/06) : I think I’ve started thinking about all the ways in which she actually behaved narcissistic which is coming up now? For example, before I found out about the affair she started isolating me out of her life/ family/ friends, staying at her parents and generally making me feel like I had done something wrong and it was so confusing, She kept saying she needed time to think and she could only do that at her parents / away from me , she claimed to be ‘burnt out’ due to her studies and her job. During this time she basically eluded to she didn’t know if we could stay together based on hurt she had felt from like years ago and bringing up random examples.. she said ‘this is not a decision In taking lightly’ basically saying ‘my family love you so she had to really think about it.’ We had also last year been invited to her friends wedding , it was coming closer and we booked a room, she didn’t say I would like us to go together, she said ‘i want to show up for my friend, no matter what’ basically anyone would think I had the affair and had done something wrong snd we were going to ‘show face’. We had talked about getting married and starting a family last year, buying a hone and getting married - she even told friend was thinking to propose. During her ‘burn out’ she started saying ‘but do you want those things even if you weren’t with me?’ And when I said ‘yes, she looked relieved and said ‘good’. A few days after I found out about the affair her and her friend went and did a hike, posting pictures of them smiling on social media and they went to a nightclub together, acting completely fine. She even messaged me asking for my time of my birth as her friend wanted to do a ‘love compatibility test’ for us … after she has cheated? Meanwhile I was at home crying and unable to eat.

Just her all of her treatment was awful when I look back now, how do you even really process this level of hurt from someone you trusted with your life. Its hitting me everyday, she feels like a stranger and like a button had been turned off in her? Im just honestly baffled. Does this get any easier?

I just wanted some advice on recovering from betrayal trauma/ discard … I’ve never experienced something like this in my life.

Update (26/06) : I think I’ve started thinking about all the ways in which she actually behaved narcissistic which is coming up now? For example, before I found out about the affair she started isolating me out of her life/ family/ friends, staying at her parents and generally making me feel like I had done something wrong and it was so confusing, She kept saying she needed time to think and she could only do that at her parents / away from me , she claimed to be ‘burnt out’ due to her studies and her job. During this time she basically eluded to she didn’t know if we could stay together based on hurt she had felt from like years ago and bringing up random examples.. she said ‘this is not a decision In taking lightly’ basically saying ‘my family love you so she had to really think about it.’ We had also last year been invited to her friends wedding , it was coming closer and we booked a room, she didn’t say I would like us to go together, she said ‘i want to show up for my friend, no matter what’ basically anyone would think I had the affair and had done something wrong snd we were going to ‘show face’. We had talked about getting married and starting a family last year, buying a hone and getting married - she even told friend was thinking to propose. During her ‘burn out’ she started saying ‘but do you want those things even if you weren’t with me?’ And when I said ‘yes, she looked relieved and said ‘good’. A few days after I found out about the affair her and her friend went and did a hike, posting pictures of them smiling on social media and they went to a nightclub together, acting completely fine. She even messaged me asking for my time of my birth as her friend wanted to do a ‘love compatibility test’ for us … after she has cheated? Meanwhile I was at home crying and unable to eat.

Just her all of her treatment was awful when I look back now, how do you even really process this level of hurt from someone you trusted with your life. Its hitting me everyday, she feels like a stranger and like a button had been turned off in her? Im just honestly baffled. Does this get any easier?

I just wanted some advice on recovering from betrayal trauma/ discard … I’ve never experienced something like this in my life.

I’m 35, My partner (31) of 3.5 years (who last year told me she wanted to marry me) I found out had cheated on me with another woman at work, who is 5 years younger than her and also in her own long term relationship. She started isolating me out of her life before I found out, slept on the sofa and started going to stay at her parents in the week. I found out about the affair from chat gbt, she had left a chat on her laptop and she had confessed ‘they were falling for each other’ had been physical and that she was able to compartmentalise and didn’t want to distance herself from the affair woman. She was comparing my worst parts ‘low mood, doesn’t like her job’ to the affair partner who is ‘driven, has a lust for life and ignites a fire in her’ .

Her mum has cheated on her dad several times and is a compulsive liar , even pretending she had nearly died from a cardiac arrest 2 days after my mum had died from suspected cardiac arrest, my partner had always claimed her mum was a narcissist and she was so against cheating and it being morally wrong. I asked her several times since the end of January if there was anyone else, she kept saying no and gaslighting me whilst turning her phone away from me and spending longer in the bathroom and coming home later from work. She had hidden her messages on instagram and had deleted them all. She brought up random examples about how I said hurtful things about her Mum, and how because she is a people pleaser she just absorbed it and didn’t think about her emotions, just mine. I suggested therapy to resolve, this was before I found out about the affair. She was vague and bringing up random examples of where I had hurt her, but didn’t want to talk until she understood it - something she could only do whilst being at her parents away from me. It was so confusing.

I also went through a cancer scare during all of this - she said ‘we will get through this’ (luckily I do not have cancer) but after I found out, I said this whole time I’ve also been worried about my health, she didn’t support me to any of the appointments and said ‘well I still cared about you’ - whilst she was lying and messaging her work place affair. It makes me feel physically sick to think she did that to me.

When I found out in April and confronted her she initially said sorry, but then become the victim of her own behaviour, saying she had ‘hurt herself’ and she was going to become ‘unwell’, had self destructed and imploded her life. Even comparing what she had done, to the death of her ex who had died by suicide, saying she hadn’t felt like this since she had died (like the shock and grief).. she had no desire to fix the relationship, and said one day in the future if you are still single and want to try again thats the ideal. She also said ‘You never know maybe we needed to go through this to come back stronger’ (her cheating almost became a shared hurt/trauma??) Until then she wants to figure out ‘how she got here and why she did what she did’. She smokes and vapes now and told me I was her buffer and Im better at taking care of myself then she is. I am sure she is still seeing the woman from her work. I told her she has ruined my life when I found out and was upset, her respond was ‘you said I’ve ruined your life, but you are still young’

She wanted to have a chat with me to tell me about all the things that affected her in the relationship, Ive refused this as she just feels manipulative at the moment. She has moved to her parents and collected the last of her things last week, I put her things in bags and left it outside the flat as I didn’t want to see her (my boundary as every time I had seen her she keeps telling me ‘Im not asking you to wait for me, but maybe one day in the future we can try again’ and asking for hugs and acting sad’) so I kept it to text messages. The only thing she asked was whether I was keeping the playstation I brought her for Christmas, I was upset during her collecting her things and her only concern is a piece of plastic that I paid for. I ignored this, she asked again. I ignored. She refused to leave the key as she is paying towards the rent until August, Ive paid the rent for the flat for the last 3 years on my own, she said she didn’t feel comfortable leaving the key and said she may not have all her stuff - suggesting I am trying to keep her belongings. I told her she can always come and get her things. I feel like I’m being treated like Im the one that lied for months and cheated / gaslit her.

I am completely baffled and don’t understand how we got here, I supported her through her masters for the last 2 years emotionally and financially and now she has qualified she has cheated and left. I trusted her with my life, she went through the death of my mum with me and less than 2 years later she has done this to me. The hurt is huge and I am trying to find ways to get through this without feeling like Im losing my mind asking questions and trying to understand what happened here, I feel completely blind sided and shocked. One minute I feel strong and then I romantize her, and can’t believe she has become this person. We went away in January, and she was fine by the end of the month she turned into a different person.

I am now trying to manage the anger / hurt and need some advice. Why would she have jeopardized our loving, supportive and safe relationship for a woman at work, 5 years younger than her that is also of capable of lying and cheating on her own partner!? I keep thinking back to times when I knew something was off, staying at work later, drinks with work friends and generally being vague and weird with me. And she kept repeatedly telling me it wasn’t anyone and how she didn’t want to be single and she was just ‘burnt out’ and needed space and didn’t have capacity to be with anyone. I asked her so many times and so calmly, I never shouted at her, not even when I found out about the affair. She claims she is a people pleaser and has always put everyones needs before herself in a relationship, so now needs the time to focus on herself… I find this hard to believe considering she has now had an affair.

Could anyone please give me some advice / share their wisdom.. or if you have been through something similar? And how do you stop obsessing why they did it or process the hurt and anger? I honestly feel like I am gaslighting myself, like she wasn’t / isn’t that bad?

Thanks so much for any encouraging / supportive words! I really really appreciate it!