r/UnexpectedSpongeBob

some people are afraid of the dark. some people are afraid of heights. there are even people who are afraid of lotus seeds and honeycomb, and you know what, after staring at images of those things for 30 minutes, I kind of get it. but you know what I was afraid of when I was younger? I was afraid of the guy who was turning the lights on and off at the end of SpongeBob season 2, episode 16a.

seriously, that "Nosferatu" guy gave me nightmares. really bad ones. in fact, I would even go as far as to say I was traumatized a bit. he's just so ugly. and for the longest time, I didn't even know who that guy was or why he was here. my dad tried to make me less afraid of him the best way he knew how: gaslighting. he said he was from an old movie, that much is true, but he then went on to say Nosferatu was a misunderstood ugly guy who was shunned by society, even though he's just a silly little prankster who wants to tell jokes. but then he said he went on a bit of a rampage after being mistreated. my dad wasn't doing a great job of making this guy seem less scary.

then years later, while browsing the Homestar Runner wiki, I saw his image once again since the character strong sad apparently used this guy as his profile pic at one point. it was there that I found out that this guy was actually called count Orlok, and he's actually Bootleg German Dracula. if my dad's reason for lying was to make this guy less scary, what was the freaking point of changing him from Dracula into Frankenstein? I'd have called my dad out for such a stupid pointless lie, but seeing how he was already dead at this point, he managed to get away with it.

1922's "Nosferatu" was an unlicensed version of Dracula made in Germany. to avoid lawsuits, they changed all the characters names, changed some details and even had a completely different ending. you know that whole part of vampire lore where they die in sunlight. yeah, that's from Nosferatu. it was not a part of vampire lore until this movie happened. isn't that crazy? unfortunately for the cast and crew of Nosferatu, they still got sued anyway and all copies were supposed to be destroyed. the film survived because at least one copy made it to America, and I guess the Americans didn't give a shit about European copyright laws.

despite Dracula and its many adaptions being responsible for vampires being seen as "sexy aristocrats", Nosferatu's "count Orlok" was a vampire in the original sense, being much more corpse like in appearance. basically what one would call a zombie nowadays. it's quite effective. Max Shrek as Count Orlok was terrifying. not sure why he ended up in an episode of SpongeBob though. did the SpongeBob writers not realize that this would scare children? non sequitur punchlines have consequences!

well, by the time I knew about all this I was in high school and had undergone years of emotional blunting, so I decided to watch that 100-year-old movie to see the origins of the light switch guy that scared me so much as a kid. and I must say, the film holds up. even without sound, it was way scarier than most horror films that come out nowadays. but that could just be because I was still a bit scared from when I was a kid. maybe it was just. . . what's the word I'm looking for? it's not nostalgia bias. uh, is "trauma bias" a thing? well, whatever.

after being freed from copyright prison, it seems Nosferatu became quite famous in the world of cinema. it got multiple remakes. first there was the 1979 remake "Nosferatu the Vampyre". this first remake changed all the characters names back to what they were in original novel. in fact, some localizations of the 1922 movie did the same thing in the subtitles. which I think is dumb, I know the story basically has the same set up as Dracula, but Orlok is not Dracula. Orlok is scary. Dracula is sexy. also, they went with the whole "he's not evil, he's just sad and lonely" angle that so many Dracula adaptions did at the time. the original Orlok was pure evil. this one just wanted love. LAME!

there was also 2000's "Shadow of the vampire", staring Willem Dafoe as Max Shrek as Count Orlok. less of a remake and more of a fictional "making of" type movie, this film was based around several rumors that Max Shrek was an actual vampire. yeah, the guy had appeared in other movies and hundreds of plays, but apparently people at the time were so afraid after seeing Nosferatu that they were convinced Max Shrek was a real vampire. I know movies were still relatively new in 1922, but man, people sure were stupid back then. Not at all like the tide pod eating geniuses of today.

but of course, the reason I'm talking about this all right now is because of the Most recent Nosferatu remake that just released.... (well, actually, it released in 2024, but hey, this review was written in January 2025 so... Hello future people)! I pretty much never go to movie theatres, the only two movies I saw in theatres in the last 15 years were the Mario movie and now Nosferatu. my brother skipped out on the Mario movie when the rest of our family went to see it, but being a fan of horror movies, this seemed like the kind of thing we could watch together. so we went at 9AM on a Sunday in a city full of religious people. since everyone was at church we had the whole theatre to ourselves, which was nice, because I definitely didn't want to deal with a theatre full of screaming people. after watching a bunch of trailers for movies that looked like they were written by AI, the film started.

prior to seeing the movie, I learned a few things about this new version of Orlok. first off, he had a mustache now. seems like a weird choice. I mean, Orlok is always a weird bald rat looking guy, seems like a mustache would make him less scary. people with mustache's aren't scary. Mario has a mustache! secondly, and people were freaking out about this online a lot, but apparently in this new version of the movie, they show count Orlok's penis. well. . . ok. I'm not a big fan of penises, but knowing it was going to be there allowed me to mentally prepare myself for it.

right off the bat, were a lot of changes I liked about this version. first off, the character "Ellen Hutter" (based on mina Harker from Dracula) had a deeper connection to the count, having apparently summoned him when she was younger. the original Orlok just saw a picture of her and became obsessed, so giving them this new backstory feels warranted. she also apparently has psychic powers now. if a horror movie has a female main character, she has to have psychic powers. it's basically a rule now a days. Ellen was played by Lily Rose Depp this time around, but apparently at one point they were going to give the role to Anya Taylor Joy. that would have been weird: I just can't picture Princess Peach Herself in this role.

then there was Thomas Hutter. out of all the name changes the original made, this one was the most tragic. Johnathan Harker is such a cool name. Thomas Hutter sounds lame as hell. at least they actually gave Thomas a lot more to do this time around, he was pretty much a useless idiot in the 1922 original. here, at least he actively tries to kill Orlok rather than cowering in fear.

while Thomas is visiting Orlok's castle, they keep Orlok in the dark a lot more compared to the original. guess they're building up tension more this way, hiding his face most of the time. but now that his face has a mustache, it's not that scary anymore anyway. nah, his face isn't what we should be worrying about, but rather, his penis.

despite that silly mustache, this version of Orlok was pure evil, just the way he should be. he does not want love, he just wants blood. this time around, Orlok was played by bill skarsgard. you know bill skarsgard, he was in it. I never saw it, but I do hear it is pretty scary. it has always been a weird movie to talk about, because any discussion about it can very easily turn into a "who's on first" type discussion, especially if you talk about the thing and it at the same time.

you know, one thing I was a bit disappointed by was the boat scene. this was kind of a big deal in the original, Orlok sneaking onto the ship and slowly killing the entire crew off. this time, it feels like more of an afterthought. we mostly just see the aftermath of Orlok's actions, like when they're throwing the already dead bodies into the ocean.

ok, but speaking of the Ocean, let's go back to SpongeBob for a bit: did you know that Nosferatu is just a reoccurring character now? yeah, they brought him back in one episode as the night shift manager, and that was a funny little call back, but then they just kept bringing him back. they're doing the same thing with the creepy old lady from the chocolate episode. well, if they're going to do that, why not make the "ya, buns and thighs" guy into a main character? you can't just take one off characters who exist only for a single joke in a single episode and then try to make them part of the main cast 20 years later. you just can't. it ruins the joke. it reeks of desperation.

err, anyway, Willem Dafoe is also in this movie. he's now been in two of these Nosferatu remakes, that's crazy. he's not Orlok this time, but rather, some new character who exists only for the sake of exposition. I don't think they even asked Willem Dafoe to be in this movie, it feels like they just showed up at his house uninvited, asked him to talk about vampires, and then he just kept talking and wouldn't leave. classic Willem Dafoe.

even though Orlok looks quite different thanks to that mustache of his, his shadow still looks the same as the original. and that's important: that shadow is part of one of the most iconic shots from the original film. it's probably why "Shadow of the Vampire" had that title; the shadow is just as important as the vampire. I do wish that they lingered on it a bit more in this new version, it passes by pretty quickly, but it is what it is.

as the movie approaches the two hour mark, we get to that iconic ending scene. the one that changed vampire lore forever. the scene where Ellen sacrifices herself, willingly giving her blood to Orlok so that he'd die when the sun rises. for this new remake, there's a pretty noteworthy change: they're both naked now. gross.

while in the original, the sunlight makes Orlok just kind of fade away, they went with a more violent approach this time. he pretty much implodes this time, vomiting out all the blood he just sucked and letting out a horrible roar. but then his body just kind of stays there. it doesn't disappear, so when Thomas arrives in the room, Orlok's dead naked body is just sitting there on top of his dead wife. well damn, that's awkward.

but you know, this whole time this scene was going on, I was sure this would be the part where we see Orlok's penis. so imagine my surprise. . . WE DON'T SEE HIS PENIS! where was it!? I was preparing myself this whole time for it, but it wasn't there! I mean, it's not like I wanted to see it, but I mentally prepared myself for it. but what was the point of that? IT WASN'T THERE!!! overall, it was a great remake. I had fun going to see it with my brother. however, I was promised Penis, and they failed to deliver.

I was a bit hesitant to leave the theatre. when we left the Mario movie during the credits, I later found out there was a post credits scene where Yoshi shows up. what if Nosferatu also had a post credits scene. it could be anything, it could have been Yoshi, it could have been Nick Fury, it could even be Orlok's missing penis. my brother checked his phone and said there was no post credits scene, but I don't know if I believe him. he is a sneaky little guy.

there have been many versions of Nosferatu over the years, but we may never see one with an Orlok that's as scary as the original. it's impossible to beat Max Shreck. you know what they say, if you mess with the Shreck, it's all Ogre.