r/consciousmonogamy

In my last relationship, I wanted nonmonogamy but not polyamory. I saw no reason to limit feelings or physical intimacy (that was out of my sight), but wanted us to be each other's only partners. My ex girlfriend happily agreed to all of this. But the RA woman she was seeing called me toxic for it

The RA woman pushed on boundaries, insulted and criticized me to my ex, and typically spoke to me in condescending manner. My ex was a poor hinge who let it all happen, while also repeatedly breaking agreements and leveraging the RA woman's opinions against me in fights. They both called me controlling at different points. My opinion is that they both showed limited respect for consent or boundaries

It's only now that I'm out of that relationship that I realize how many months I spent feeling threatened, destabilized, and alone

I don't think their actions met the definition of gaslighting, but there was persistent dismissiveness and denial that made me feel so viscerally strange, and I start crying really hard if I let myself think about that feeling too much

I expected to find more of this attitude in the RA subreddit, and there was some, but also there was a post promoting conscious monogamy, and multiple people questioning why exclusivity is the only relationship agreement that gets called controlling. Why is it controlling to leave your partner if she decides she wants other partners, but not controlling if you leave because she gets into drugs or dates your family member?

I'm a bit of an odd duck -- I'm aroace, a germaphobe, a bit touch averse, a bit sex-repulsed in certain contexts, am overwhelmed by loud noises . . . the list goes on. I have lived my entire life in a world that actively tries to discourage and block me from having boundaries about these things, because those aren't "normal" things to care about

I think that trying to shame somebody for having a boundary is itself very controlling behavior. My ex and her connection were espousing the values of relationship anarchy while ironically not respecting my autonomy or freedom to choose what was most comfortable to me

I'm glad that I found this sub. I hope more people post here, I hope it continues to be healing

Hi everyone,

I started this subreddit because I noticed there was a lack of community for people who intentionally choose monogamy. The discourse of many monogamists around different relationship structures often felt limiting and biased. But I also felt out of place in spaces where less traditional relationship dynamics dominated and monogamy is often seen as restrictive or unenlightened. I wanted a space where people could discuss, vent, and seek advice without fear of judgment for "failing" at non-monogamy, but also where we could approach exploring the differences between these relationship structures in a fair and informed way, without putting anyone down for how they choose to love.

If you do not know what conscious monogamy is, here is the definition from the subreddit description:

Conscious monogamy (also known as intentional monogamy) is a relationship dynamic where two partners practice monogamy not by default, coercion, or societal expectations, but through individual choice. It is based in values of personal growth, autonomy, and adaptability. Conscious monogamists recognize that no one relationship structure is inherently better than another — what matters is the consent, safety, and fulfillment of each partner.

I will also be updating our community wiki with some resources for those who'd like to learn more. I am open to feedback on the above definition, and please share any resources you've come across that you think would be helpful for others! Additionally, if you would like to be added as a mod, please get in touch.

Feel free to introduce yourself in a post or in the comments below. I'd love to hear about how you came across conscious monogamy, and I'll probably share my story in the coming days too, once I get this subreddit all set up!

Cheers,

seatangle