r/emotionalsupport

27M I feel so overwhelmed by so much that is happening to me, I am going through the most difficult time in my life so far (thankfully it isnt physical health related) but i just genuinely don't feel capable of hanging on anymore, every day I wake up and Immediately feel like I am struggling to just maintain myself and not collapse under the weight of it all, I feel paralyzed and I can barely do anything- work or things that I "enjoy", i am constantly on the verge of breaking down and sometimes i dont even feel like i have the energy anymore to cry despite how much it hurts.

I just dont know what to do anymore and I dont feel able to go on like this

When i was 15, i had met this 19 year old through my (at the time) best friend who was also my age during that period of time.
For anonymity, I shall call my ex bsf Lucy and the 19 year old James.

For context, the age of consent in my country is 16.

When I first met James, we really hit it off straight away and I didn’t think much of it. I thought he was really sweet and kind. The day that I met him he had picked me and Lucy up in his car and drove us to wherever we wanted to go. He bought me food and drink from a fast food drive through and all 3 of us hung out in his car till it got dark. Lucy’s mum wanted her home early so James dropped her down the road from her house.
I stayed with James a bit longer because he was really sweet and he seemed to like all the same things i did. He had put his arm around the head of my chair and was slightly leaning towards me, but yet again I didn’t think anything of it. I told him I was cold and he let me borrow his hoodie, he told me I could take it home with him and return it to him later on. We were talking for hours and hours until it got really late and he dropped me back at my house.
The same night, he texted me on instagram (he had asked lucy for my username) and we talked for hours and hours and hours. He seemed to understand me and I felt like we began to connect very quickly, so naturally I started opening up about my feelings and problems I was experiencing at the time. I told him very confidential stuff that I never had told anyone before because I felt safe and he seemed to completely understand me and made me feel so seen. I spoke about the absence of my father, how that impacted me and my mother and my at the time small drug addiction. I had began experimenting with drugs earlier that year to try suppress my feels and had formed a small addiction that was not too severe but was starting to get out of hand. After being diagnosed with PTSD earlier on that year as well, I opened up to James and told him why and how that affected me. I thought he would judge but he completely understood me and I felt so comfortable, more than I’d ever done before. Which shocked me to be honest because I’d only known him for a day but he just seemed so sweet and we were already building a strong bond. I also have trust issues and struggle to open up, that’s why it came as such a shock to me.

The next day James asked to meet up and I bought Lucy with me because I was still slightly nervous. Once again he had bought us food and had sent me money. Me and Lucy both decided to spend this on 🍃 and we smoked it outside his car. He didn’t want to smoke it or have us smoke it near him because he said his uncle had been in trouble with the police previously because of his drug dealing and it had ruined his uncle’s connection with the family. We understood. Throughout the day James had teased me and started making slightly sexual remarks and movements like sliding his hand further towards my ass and gently grabbing it, going to kiss me but then moving away as if he was too shy.
After me and Lucy had become completely stoned James dropped her off at the train station so she could pick up her boyfriend and we both waited in the car in a carpark that was relatively close to the station. During the time Lucy had gone to pick up her boyfriend (I’ll call him Oscar) James had sat me on his lap where I could clearly feel he had a b0ner and began kissing me. I was completely stoned at this point in time which he knew, and began kissing him back. I didn’t know how to feel about it because I was too stoned.
Later that evening (around 10 or 11pm) I ended up staying the night at James house, only after 2 or 3 days of knowing him. The original plan was for me to stay at Lucy’s house but her mum had refused at the last minute and I couldn’t get back into my own house because I had no key and my mum is deaf so she wouldn’t be able to hear me knock. James offered that I stayed at his house that night because I had no where else to stay. I agreed and thanked him because I felt like he was being very sweet.
I had met his parents and had dinner with them, he bought us takeaway. James seemed quite eager to go to his room, yet again I didn’t think much of it and assumed he was bored of his mum constantly talking. Before we went upstairs his mother had said to him “James keep it in your pants I don’t want the police knocking on my door.”
He took me upstairs to his room and shut the door, we started getting more sexual and he started touching me inappropriately. He had asked me if I was okay with all this and I silently nodded because I didn’t actually know what was going on because I was inexperienced and young. I just assumed it was normal and this was what happened when people first got to know each-other. He took my pants off and began putting his fingers in, whilst making out with me. He told me to be quiet because he didn’t want his parents or anyone to hear, otherwise he could get in trouble.
He then put his 🍆 inside and it hurt alot because it was my first time so I almost began crying because of the pain. I didn’t want to make his disappointed so I didn’t say much. He noticed it was hurting me and then began in a different position since he said “this would be better for you.”
After he finished he went to sleep downstairs on the sofa and I stayed asleep in his bed. The next morning he took me home as he had to go to his 9-5 and I was still visibly upset to a degree. I didn’t know entirely what was happening. He told me not to mention it to his parents or anyone and told me to keep it a secret. I agreed.
A couple days later James had took me back to his house where it happened again. He had took me out to dinner afterwards as a reward for being good. We then went back to his again and it had happened again. As soon as he finished he took me home, we were completely silent on the way home and i tried to hold his arm for comfort and he shook me off.

We didn’t speak for a few days afterwards. About half a week later he messaged me saying he needed to confess something. He had frozen his location and I had began to get worried. When we was at dinner we both made an agreement not to see Lucy as he thought her drug addiction had started to rub off on me. I agreed as I thought he was looking out for me and was doing what was best for me. He confessed to me that he had seen Lucy behind my back and he had “accidentally kissed her” when talking about his problems to her about our relationship. (fyi we were never officially dating) I told him i was confused because i didnt see any problems i just thought he was being distant. He told me he was sorry and he’d never do it again snd he’d now spend all this time trying to make it up to me and it felt sincere. he sent paragraph after paragraph over the course of a few days saying why he was sorry and i was the one he truly wanted. I asked him to remove Lucy as a follower but he wouldn’t.
I didn’t see him for about 2 weeks because he was allegedly away on a trip (which i later find out he wasn’t in Germany). When he came back we agreed to meet and he had taken me to a discreet location out of the public eye. We sat in the back seat and he began touching me inappropriately again. He again told me “I trust you not to tell anyone.” I told him to stop this time and he only stopped for two seconds before starting again. He explained that he didn’t mean to kiss Lucy and that he truly loved me and that he wanted to make it up to me. I trusted him to because he had done everything he said he’d do before he kissed her. But this time was different.

The meet up was very awkward and when he dropped me home we didn’t talk again for a while. He then spontaneously asked to pick me up because he was in my area. I agreed because I missed him. It was very clear the relationship was coming to an end here, but I was trying my hardest to make it work. It was very awkward and he wasn’t letting me hold his hand or anything like he used to, and he kept calling everything cringe which he used to be completely fine with. (Keep in mind he started acting strange as soon as he’d dropped me home after doing the dirty.) When he dropped me home, I didn’t get a message till later. He became very hostile out of nowhere and I was very confused because he accused me of trying to f*ck him in the back of the car when I hadn’t? He began saying that I was very inconsiderate of his personal space when I knew he’d been SA’d as a child and triggered him. Even though all of this touching was completely fine before.
I began crying because I started to doubt myself into thinking maybe I had infact tried to without realising. I thought I was a monster and wrote paragraphs to him for at least a week. He wouldn’t speak to me at all. He had said he had to take days off work because of this and how much it was affecting him. I cried and cried and cried for ages.
He kept leaving me on opened and wouldn’t reply to me at all.
About a week after this, he said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I couldn’t stop crying. We had built up such a close relationship in such a short period of time and it had all fallen so quickly. He had completely taken my innocence and I didn’t know how to feel.
We didn’t speak.
1-2 weeks after that, he messaged me asking how my time was with my friend yesterday. I didn’t know how he knew about it because obviously we hadn’t been in contact. I asked him how he knew and he said he knew everything about me and it scared me. We argued after that and later on I ended up blocking him because i was scared and nonetheless heartbroken.

A few days later, a group of my friends (around 8 people, including Lucy) ganged up on me and accused me of lying about r*pe. I never once mentioned the fact James may have done that to me so I was confused how it came to light. They tried to fight me but I went home before they could and blocked them all.
I told my mum about this and she instantly reported it to the police. The police came round my house a few days later and started asking what was their motive. I had no choice but to explain what I was accused of then had to explain why these girls had come to this conclusion. I had to explain what had happened between me and James because I was trying to protect him. I felt like I had betrayed him given we were no longer in contact but I was trying to protect him from these potential rpe allegations because at the time i didn’t know what was going on. I’ve always seen rpe as very violent and normally from a complete stranger since thats all I’ve seen on TV. My mum never educated me on it because it was a touchy subject so I never once considered James may or may not have done that to me because he was someone close to me and someone I knew.
About a week after my meeting with the police, James was arrested for 3 offences - (Sx with a minor, grooming with intent and sxual communication with an underage child.) He was then released on bail for 9 months. During this time, the police seized his phone and found a lot of things which I can not expose. But I wasn’t the only one he had done this to. They also found he had a girlfriend of 3+ years this whole time and when he said he was going to Germany, he had gone to his gf’s city to celebrate her 18th birthday with her.

I couldn’t believe all this and it still haunts me to this day. He got fired from his job because of this and is facing ALOT of legal repercussions.
Can someone please tell me their thoughts on this, the police have given me a ISVA (independent sexual violence advisor) and the police had stated i had been sexually abused.
I just wondered if it was 🍇 or not.

Also, here are the timelines for everything that happened. I will not disclose the year this all happened for privacy reasons.
First met - 22nd August
Had intercourse - 25-27th August
Kissed Lucy/Went on a ‘trip’ - Beginning of September
Met again - 17th September
Awkward meet - 24th September
Break up - 29th September
Blocked him - 4th October
Girls tried to fight me - 7th October
Police interview- 8th October
Arrest - 16th October

can someone please let me know their thoughts!! Thank you for listening!