r/heartbreakheal

Felt like i needed a place to vent so yeah here is my story…
She is the kindest person i have ever met,A good human being and she was the best and she was just unlucky to find me as her bf.

So me and her was just friends and even before me and her became friends or knew each others name,she had a thing going with a guy in same college it seems and she has told him that she is not interested in love ,so do not have hopes to him.truth is they barely were lovers but they were good friends at that time coz that was the starting period of uni..so this guy developed feelings and was relying on her too much it seems and she felt weird about that and wanted to stay away from him coz lowkey he was kind of a creep,he keeps following her to the washroom’s door and wait till she comes out and all which is very awful..she had no space at all for herself so during this time me and her became close friends like real close and we never had intentions of loving and we did not even find each other attractive at all too..so we were good.

Btw that guy she used to be friends or the shallow love thing they had for sometime is not an average looking person too,he is like very awful in looks maybe he doesn’t take care of himself it seems and at the beginning i had pitied him for his looks..also oneday i asked her how could you like /love someone like him and she said “he treats me kindly and gently so thats why i liked him maybe…” (her dad is not kind and supportive , so she is a certified man hater)

Time went,we became besties..we started sharing and it was nice and wholesome to be friends with a women..btw she was a muslim and i was always the funniest guy to her and at some-point even the staff who taught us were curious whether we were in love or not.this one staff just directly asked us “ are yall a thing?”
That that day we were like talking about this and confessed that yeah we kinda love each other coz we could talk whatever we wanted to and spam reels to each other but from my side i was a bit hesitant bcz i was not attracted to her at first maybe due to the friendship and also about her previous shallow love/friendship thingy she had with another guy.so i asked her about the past and seems like they have not even held hands together he was a good friend and good emotional support it seems…so i was ok and relieved.
So for us love came out of nowhere tbh…yet the religion thingy was there…so i know that no matter what i do Oneday she will have to leave me…

So during the period we became best-friends ,the creepy fellow started blackmailing her with suicidal threats..
It was getting worse for her coz if her family finds out these things her career is gone forever and she is a very motivated women like doing great in academics and other extra curricular too..

so here comes the the crucial part,This moment is where everything went downhill for me…basically i grew up with guys and i had zero idea of emotional availability /intelligence or being supportive..as a guy i always give a solution or just move past a problem and do not take things seriously..so one day she asked “what should i do?he is blackmailing me and what if he hurts himself?”so i was like “who even tries to commit suicide just because the girl he liked does not like her back “coz obviously all they did was chat and never even touch each other..nor went somewhere to eat..since she was very nice person he started using this guilt to blackmail her ,then she had no options so she just tries to calm him down and like try to help him out saying please focus on ur career and all,

So here i did not support her bcz I actually had no idea what to do man,bcz i did not even find this serious at all coz i could clearly see how he was using this guilt to being with her…and so now we started having problems and she felt im not there for her and all later i changed but it was too late it seems..its just im very plain and honest I don’t know how to act or lie thats my personality and if I don’t know how to help then I don’t get involved..but i told her to stop replying him and she told my advices are not applicable…so she secretly was sharing these and taking emotional support from one of my friend he was a muslim..i had no clue,later she saved my frnds contact by giving a nickname..now that started pissing me off..also every time in my friends phone her chat was on top…
And when i try to tell her this is not normal and i feel insecure she just ignores and think it was normal for her(coz she genuinely had no bad intention)but as a man i was insecure and then this became huge fight…then thats it i called her a hoe,greatest mistake of my life…

Between all these the creepy guy started going insane thinking she was her girl and tried to assault me,that creepy guy was nice person it seems,he has never hurt her even when she was hurting him by staying away from him…so my girl had a soft spot for him always..so to be in good books instead of him asking closure or crashing out to her ,he started assaulting me to be in her good books,coz my gurl felt no matter what happens he would not hurt her at all..thats the kind of impression he has created..anyways she apologized on behalf of him and all and she did care about him bcz he went crazy bcz of her..when he assaulted me I immediately gave some punches right in the faces…so he was embarrassed now,so what he did was he spread a rumor few weeks later about another guy in college saying that guy is asking girls nude and telling his group of friends that i was the one who started this rumor…imagine how cruel and evil someone should be to do such things..but thank god somehow people found out he was the one who was creating all sorts of rumors..
In general i had no ill intentions towards him,ik in someway i have affected him too but i did not purposefully do it..if someone says no ,people should accept it and still this day he thinks im the reason he lost his love..truth is that was not even love at all.they became friends because they took the same bus and when he was behaving like a creep and being too dependant on her,she was freaked out period..btw he thinks he is a some handsome looking guy and thats what infuriates me,he is genuinely awful(im sorry I don’t mean to be rude but thats the truth).
There is a difference between being a good person and being a nice person..he was just a nice person who wanted that girls attention ,thats it period.
Truth is ,he is just a pussy who can’t take a NO..

Coming back to this issue(saving contact using a nickname)
I always knew there was no issue with her and my friend,but sometimes i am possessive i don’t like when she texts some random guys like my friend (ik its wrong)even after this there were lot of fights yet we somehow found a way to find each other again coz that is love right…the way she hid that i could not accept it(she did not it purposefully ik) so every time the same old fights and also there are more layers to this story cannot type everything…
We loved a lot ,we fought a lot..
I made a flower out papers and all and yes we have kissed too,for some kiss might be nothing in a relationship but it meant everything to me coz she knew we might not have a chance together and she was very religious person too and being kissed by a hijabi is not an easy thing…it was beautiful,i still remember that day..my first ever kiss.

I wish i was a kind ,supportive person like every other male..i do try very hard to be very gentle but maybe im not gifted with good heart…only if i was calm and kind she would have been still here with me..
Now here i am having no one next to me in college to talk or make jokes..sitting alone…i just miss my bestfriend..i miss her so bad but she deserves someone better than me…

Trigger Warning: This is a long read, but it’s a true story and I hope whoever takes the time to read this journey can learn something from it or can help them feel less alone. I can't sugar coat it, this story has some painful and heartbreaking moments but also some beautiful ones. I wasted years of my 20s beating myself up over my love life, and last night something in my heart told me that the best way to let go of the past is to write it all out. So, for those who do read my story, I truly thank you so much, this was very hard to write, let alone post.

The 4 Lessons

Love: We love it, we hate it, we envy those who have it. But no matter what standing you might have on it, we all yearn for it at some point in our lives, it’s what makes us human.

“Wow, that’s so wise, you must have a good love life?”

Fuck no, my love life is shit. I’m just writing this as a form of venting about what I experienced in case it can help someone who experienced heartbreak or who is also yearning for love again. As cinematic as it might seem, the following story is true, and it shaped me into who I am today.

That being said, who am I deny that love exists?  In my case, love came into my life in the form of four women who ultimately became four lessons.

 

Vanessa- Lesson 1

Vanessa was my first actual long-term relationship. I never had a serious one before I met her, I had short 1 month- 2-month girlfriends in high school, but that shit was never serious.  

Anyway, I met Vanessa during my first year in community college, about three months in. In my hometown, many of the people I partied with in high school and other acquaintances I met during parties all went to the same community college. My hometown was so small that everyone practically knew each other.  So, in way, it felt very comfortable and fun. I was heading out to leave the lunch area when she “accidently” bumps into me.

She jokingly says, “Watch where you’re walking” in a heavy New York accent.  I swear she was so beautiful, Latina with brown hair and gorgeous brown eyes, she used to live in the Bronx area of New York which is the reason why she sounded like one of the ninja turtles.  But man, she was so stunning to me, I couldn’t believe this girl was hitting on me. It should’ve been the opposite, right? (Well get back to this later)

 

I ended up getting her Instagram and phone number and then I asked if she's down to get food. Theres a Chinese buffet a few minutes down the road from the community college so we decided to smoke a joint and go there after class.  When we got back from the buffet and I took her back to the parking lot, we locked eyes for a second and immediately went feral for each other’s lips. Man, I’m telling you, we couldn’t stop kissing: she even started biting my lips and told me they tasted like carne asada. Which in the moment was insane but very sexy to hear, who was this girl from the Bronx? Why is she so perfect? After we were done, we parted ways and I couldn’t stop smiling on the way back home.

A few weeks later, we started talking and hanging out more. It got to the point where she requested a one week break to see if “she really does like me” We weren’t dating, but when she asked I felt a little hurt, but I accepted her wish. Feelings were starting to grow, and I thought she might be the one.

 Fast forward to the next month. We gave in and finally started dating. I was so happy with vanessa.  We would party together, smoke together, go to the movies, and sometimes go on road trips or visit museums. I’d had one-night stands before, but the sex and love I made with this girl was so fucking intense that it didn’t feel like anything else.  The deeper our relationship went the crazier the sex got. We had drunk sex, sex on the couch, sex in the bathroom, high sex where we really went feral, and quiet sex when she would visit me at my parents’ house so we wouldn’t wake anyone up.  But man… the times when nobody was home … Maybe it was because I was in love for the first time in my life and never had consistent sex with someone, but I was so addicted to it that all her red flags sailed away without me even noticing.

Anyway, it got to the point where she met my parents and slept over from time to time. We had our fights and shared moments of jealousy. I used to be pissed when I saw her being friendly with other guys. I had hints of her having a past based on the men around us who knew her, approached her, and then looked at me in a smirky way.  But in the end, I didn’t care. Vanessa made me happy, and I hadn’t felt that feeling before in my life, the love that I felt for her was so inspirational it gave me a high without needing any substances. One of my favorite hobbies was going to the movies with her. We loved going to the movies, we would get stoned and see almost every horror or action film that came out on a weekly basis.  She even made me watch Greys anatomy with her; we also took shrooms once. She had a terrible fucking trip, but in the meanwhile, I chemically felt so in love with her even then.

Time flies by and we are now dating for 3 years.   We both completed the community college two-year program and ended up going to the same university. During our time there, she meets a new friend, Raquel, who encourages her to hang out with her and her group of friends. I joined a fraternity at the time, so I also spent time hanging out and partying with my friends, and I thought it was fair to let her do the same. Besides, we lived together in my dorm like room, so we would always come back together at the end of the night, and I loved her so much to never even think about cheating.

Unfortunately, this is the point when our story starts to take a terrible turn. One early morning before Vanessa and I head out to a local beach trip, I get a call from one of my close friends, it is about 9:30am in the morning, so I was assuming it had to be something serious.   I answer and he immediately says, “I’m sorry I’m telling you this, but you got to break up with her bro, you have to dead that shit immediately” My heart is pounding and I can hear the seriousness and concern is tone. I ask him why. He tells me that his girlfriend is friends with vanessa and Raquel’s friend group and that Vanessa has been seen making out with another guy and being out with him multiple times and this has been happening for months.  I thanked him, and the phone call ended. I can’t breathe; I felt as if the whole world went silent and the only thing I hear is my heart beating.  I confront her about it, and she becomes defensive, saying that my friend’s girlfriend is jealous of her and Raquel’s friend being friends, she says that they never kissed out and my friend’s girlfriend used to date the guy, and she is only saying bull shit to mess things up. At this point idk what to say, I remain quiet, but I let my love for her get the best of me and we continue with our beach trip. For the first time in my life, I questioned who I was really dating.

A couple of months passed by and I'm out at the bar with my fraternity brothers, but for some reason, something in my heart and mind is telling me to go to another college local bar that we all frequent, even my girlfriend. I leave alone, intoxicated. I go to the bar and while looking at the window I see my girlfriend dancing with the guy friends in the friend group that my friend and his girlfriend warned me about.  In a blind drunk rage, I cussed her and the other guy out through the window. Raquel (her best friend from earlier) who is also there, comes out to calm me down.  And then, one of the guys from the friend group comes out to do the same. When I let my guard down and apologize, he punches me. The other friends in the friend group soon rushed out and started jumping me, there were about 4 of them so I had no choice but to run while I was getting jumped. I ended up getting a cut on my eyebrow, a cut that never went away even till this day, I see the mark on my eyebrow from that night. I saw people in the street recording and laughing at me. Looking back, I’m surprised I survived to tell this part of the story without harming myself.  That same night I told my fraternity brothers what happened and they ended up driving to vanessas friend’s house to fight them, due to one of them somehow getting my phone number and taunting me by giving out their address for a “rematch”.

The next day, word gets out, and my friend who warned me about vanessas friend group and her actions, defends me on twitter, because one of the guys who jumped me was on their bragging about it.  They then posted the video of me getting punched without showing the rest, making it seem like I never got jumped.  I have never felt so embarrassed and shocked in my life. I secretly became a laughingstock by that group and other people from my college because of the video. Of course, my friends knew I got jumped, but when it comes to the reactions of others on social media, they only believe what’s shown to them.   

Later that night Vanessa takes me to a random restaurant and tells me that she can’t be seen with me and that I embarrassed her due to being insecure.  Later that night, we still have sex, but I know the passion that we once had isn’t there anymore.  The next morning when I drop her off at class, she wears a hat and pretends like she doesn’t know me. I then see her bump into a friend that I have, and he approaches her by grabbing her hands, as If they have history together. She ignores him and he looks confused. I look at him in my car and in my mind, I decide if what I’m thinking is true, I am beating the shit out of him next time I see him. I question vanessa about him, she continued to say she doesn’t know and never had sex with him, and I can “believe what I want to believe”.

A few weeks later, the semester finished and I headed home. Vanessa and I are still dating, but you can tell that something is off. During my time back home, I ended up missing her.  We still talked via facetime as she stayed in the college town due to renting a room from a family friend.  One night when we were on face time, I noticed her getting ready, it was almost 1am at the time and it didn’t make sense to me, but I ignored it. The next morning around 10:00am I get a text message from vanessa that she accidently sent to me that was meant for Raquel, the text message said “I went over his house, but I told him we couldn’t have sex because I was on my period”

I couldn’t stop crying, I was so fucking pissed. I immediately replied with question marks, and she said it meant for me with laughing emojis. I didn’t respond. She then sent a barrage of paragraphs saying that I’m insecure and that she doesn’t care what I think, that she would never cheat on me and that she hopes she still sees me soon. Paragraph after paragraph she sent, I couldn’t find the words to respond to her.

 The next day, I drove to the guy’s house, the one who jumped me with her friends. As soon as I arrived, I saw her car out front. I contemplate whether I should knock on his door or go inside. I call my friend (the one who warned me about her and her new friend group) and tell him what I witnessed. He told me not to go in there, that it’s dangerous and that the time for revenge will come, but not now.  I walked to vanessas car and left flowers and a notecard that I bought for her on her windshield. I then sent a pic of it to her and her best friend Raquel.  Raquel immediately calls me and tells me she’ll be outside the guy’s house in a few minutes and meet her down the block. When I meet with Raquel, I show her the text, Raquel then confesses that me and vanessa are toxic and really need to break up.

Later that night, Vanessa comes to my place. She says sorry and tells me that she did kiss him, but they never had sex. She said she felt out of place with me and that kiss just happened because she was drunk and not herself.  I felt so betrayed, but when I looked in her eyes all I could see was the girl from the Bronx who I fell in love with a few years ago in community college. I then gave in, and we had sex. I know, stupid right?

Later at 3:00am, I got the urge to go their phone. Vanessa was lowkey slow and her passcode for everything was “0000”. I go through her phone  and unfortunately as I prepared for, I saw everything. Her messages with Raquel joking about the day she accidentally sent me the text for the guy she cheated on me with, Raquel urging her to continue to deny no matter what. I saw the tweets that her and Raquel dmed each other, vanessa joking about her sex life with the other guy. And then I saw what truly tore me apart, her messages with the guy she cheated on me with. Them joking about how good their sex was, them talking about the moments they caught feelings for each other during a saint patty’s festival, the same pictures she sent to me, were also sent to him. The moment they were in Raquel’s bed listening to drake together Fuck man, I wouldn’t wish that moment on anyone. I took multiple pictures of everything for evidence. Enraged, I kicked her out and the relationship ended.  She tried to reach out to me a few days after and then eventually sent me a message saying that she knew someone who could hurt me if I decided to expose her. I haven’t talked to or seen vanessa ever since. But the effect she had on me lasted for the rest of my life.  Why was her portion of this story so long? Because we dated for 3 years, and the pain I endured with her wasn’t enough for a few sentences.

Jane

It was the summer after I broke up with Vanessa. I was devastated; I couldn’t look at any couple or watch any romance scenes without getting depressed. It was a shitty time for me. When I went out on vacation with my family, I was too depressed to enjoy time with them. Then one day during my sad summer, one of my friends, Jane, texted me, informing me that she had come to our hometown as she was on break from the nursing program she was in for studying abroad.

Jane and I were friends before I dated Vanessa. We had never met in person, but we followed each other on social media. I remembered replying to her story about a party we both went to, and we became close friends ever since, telling each other everything. When Vanessa and I broke up, I vented to her, and she was there for me, making me feel better.

We finally met. She was much shorter in person, but beautiful of Filipina descent—she just came from there, but she still had a minor accent which I found very funny and attractive. We decided to smoke a joint on my front porch as I made a joke about us being in her neighborhood and never leaving, due to how gullible she was while stoned—for a second, she really believed it. Later that night, we smoked another joint at the local river by her actual neighborhood. We looked at the stars while she played a Jhené Aiko song and told me the lore behind it—how Jhené had had a terrible trip and wrote the song about it. I don’t know what caused it, but we looked each other in the eyes and kissed. My heart fluttered; I don’t know why, but it felt so good with her, so we continued. We laughed, and then suddenly saw a white fox a couple of feet away from us. It was scary, but beautiful at the same time. It then ran away, and Jane and I wondered if it was a symbol. To this day, I still do. I then gave her a ride home, we kissed one more time before I dropped her off, and I didn’t see her again until years later.

Talia: Lesson 2

Two years after Vanessa and I ended things; I was a mess. I had hookups and a couple of one-night stands, but they were never initiated by me; it was either a girl who came on to me at a party, or I got lucky meeting someone through Tinder and Instagram DMs. I didn’t put myself out there. I felt ugly and lost all my confidence. I didn’t know how to talk to women and just felt so shitty. I ruined many chances of sleeping with very hot women, but I was never present enough to catch the signs due to my depression. This led to many people thinking I was secretly gay, which only made me more depressed.

Anyway, I went to the club one night with a couple of friends who had a table. While drinking and having a fun time, I saw her: the most gorgeous Middle Eastern girl I’d ever seen. I couldn’t keep my eyes off her, and she stared back. It was like that scene from The Lost Boys, but creepier. After a solid two hours of eye contact, I approached her and asked for her Snapchat—really fucking cringey now that I think about it. She gave it to me, and I started replying to her stories. We flirted, and one day I invited her to get sushi, which she agreed to.

Another night, we ran into each other at the same club and decided to get food together with her friends. We ended up back at her place and went at it. Unfortunately, I performed horribly due to "whiskey dick," but she told me it was okay. The next morning, we woke up cuddling. I said fuck that, went to the mirror, and brushed my teeth—this could not be my first impression. I went back to bed, we cuddled, and we went at it again. This time it was so different. We didn’t just fuck; we made love, and it was so beautiful and intense, something I hadn't felt in a while. It didn’t feel like any other one-night stand; we fucked that morning like we had been married for years.

We then became addicted to each other. I would come over almost every week, and we would fuck after smoking, after the bar, or during late-night calls. One day she had brunch and told me to come over, and we had shower sex. That’s when I knew what we had wasn't normal, and that it wasn’t just casual as I thought it was. She asked me, “If I felt that?” At the time, I didn’t know she meant feelings.

A year passes, and we unknowingly become a situationship. Her friend would frequently tell me to date her, and another friend who was close with her told me she was in love with me. But because of Vanessa, I was an asshole. I ignored her feelings and just went over for sex. It got to the point where we became on and off; we would go months without talking and argued in between. Of course, she had sex with people in between, and of course, I got jealous of her talking to anyone—you know I was toxic at the time. I let the pain Vanessa put me through unleash on Talia.

One night at the club, while I was drunk and she was there with friends, I told Talia that I missed her and loved her. The next day, we resumed having sex. We had been in a situationship for two years.

One week, she let me and my puppy live with her for a week because my roommate forgot to pay the power bill. She helped walk and feed my dog while we both worked at the local shelter. We then decided to take things seriously and finally talk, calling each other "baby." We had a beautiful moment when we went on a hike with my dog (who was a puppy at the time), smoked a joint, and admired the woods.

When the semester ended and she had to move back, she cried due to being stressed about getting into a medical program. I comforted her, told her she was the smartest person I knew, and that she would get in. We then embraced each other and made love. That was the last time we did.

That summer, we got into an argument because she told me that she broke up with her ex-boyfriend over religion—she couldn’t marry someone who wasn’t Muslim. I became mad and asked her if sleeping with a certain demographic like mine was a fetish, not knowing how hurtful it sounded. She then ended things with me.

Years passed, and I missed her. I regretted everything I put her through: I regretted not taking her to get sushi like I promised, I regretted taking her to the movies with the promise of food and failing to follow through, and I regretted all the times I made her cry and treated her like a side piece when she was the closest thing to a girlfriend I had. I regretted seeing videos on her friend's Snapchat stories of her venting to people about me, and her subliminal messages on her story about, “If he won’t, someone else will.”

I sent her multiple messages, all of which were ignored, until one day she replied and agreed to have closure with me. I thought I won her back. We met up at a local mall. She got her hair done and looked so beautiful from the last time I saw her; people would pass us by and admire us like we were a sexy couple. We had shawarma and talked. She told me how I hurt her and led her on, and I apologized. She then told me how she told her stylist she was meeting up with her “ex”—my heart skipped a beat, as I didn’t know she saw me that way. She then told me about a guy she slept with in hopes of getting me jealous (and it worked). She even told me how she used shows we used to watch together, like Nathan for You and Friends from College, as prompts for Hinge—those were the two shows we binge-watched during our humbler moments, and we had even watched the entire Purge series together.

We then left. I confessed to her that I had always loved her but let what Vanessa did to me ruin that. I told Talia I still loved her, even though she would never feel the same way. She quickly tore up, fighting back a tear for a few seconds; nothing came out, but I know what I said unlocked a feeling she had been trying to suppress at the moment. She softly attempted to hold my hand, but stopped and said, "Who knows, maybe we’ll meet again in the future."

I haven’t seen her since. I would message Talia from time to time, deeply yearning for her, missing her, apologizing, but she never once replied. In the end, she was good to me, and I ruined the person who was potentially the love of my life without realizing it. I still think about her to this day. I wonder if she graduated from that medical program she was in; I hope she did, because she deserves the world. The last thing I heard was that she was dating a very humble guy. I’m happy for her, even though it hurts how much I miss her and want her back. Talia deserves to be happy, no matter what the cost of that might look like.

Jane Part 2: Lesson 3

A few years later, I graduated college. I was lonely, but I hung out with friends who distracted me while I lived with one of my parents. Jane moved back and told me she was dating someone, but things were confusing at the time because he was giving mixed signals. Either way, I was happy for her and happy to see her. We decided to hang out and go to a party event in the city. We ended up getting drunk at the party, laughed, and caught up as we observed all the funny moments and people around us. I missed her so much; she really was my best friend.

When we got back, she asked to crash at my place since she was too drunk to drive. I agreed 100 percent. As we lay on my bed, she thanked me for a good time. Then it happened again: we embraced each other and kissed, and then we went to bed. The next morning, we woke up and kissed again, this time dry humping. I asked her if she was sure, she said yes, and we had sex. That’s when it all started.

We started hanging out more, partied together, and I even met some of her coworkers. I eventually moved into my own place, as did she. We started having sex more frequently. To me, it didn’t feel like we were doing anything wrong; we were both acting on a love that we had felt for each other for many years. Was it wrong? Yes, she had someone, but in the moment, we were so addicted to each other that we didn’t care. The sex was so good it was like nothing I had felt in a long time. For the first time, I really felt like my soulmate was my best friend this whole time.

Time passed, and Jane told me we had to stop because she had gotten engaged to her boyfriend, and what we were doing was wrong. We talked about how hypocritical it was because Vanessa had put me through the exact same thing, and now I was just the side guy. We had a huge conversation and agreed to take some time away from each other, and we haven’t done anything sexually ever since.

We then had moments where we would talk for a year, and then she would ghost me after. We still talked like friends, but feelings were still involved as some conversations turned into us missing being inside each other. I loved Jane. We met once to have happy hour and reminisce; being respectful, I didn’t try anything even though it was on our minds. Eventually, she ghosted me again the week before New Year's, and we haven’t talked since.

As time passed, I found myself hurt and back at square one. I would fumble chances with women again due to not being present, and the gay rumors returned. What fucked me up was that I was far from gay; I just let my past depress me to the point where I can’t catch hints anymore. In a way, I was a grown toddler learning to ride a bike again. The only time in that period that I slept with someone was if the person was a girl from my past who I slept with before, or who I happened to bump into late at night at the club, or a girl who replied to a lonely late-night text. But most of the time I was deeply depressed; I would watch my friends get off, watch strangers dance and kiss each other at the clubs I went to. My hangovers on Sundays were so depressing because the only thing on my mind was love, yearning for something I wish I had. Yearning for words I wish I said to the many women I fumbled due to not being present and acting in time.

Jane, to me, was the right person, wrong timing. She was my best friend and the love of my life at the same time. I once told her that maybe we are still drawn to each other because we are together in another universe. And with that, I am somewhat okay with that being the closure I need. Still, I wonder what seeing that white fox at the lake that night with her meant.

Annabelle — Lesson 4

I met Annabelle in college. She was half Mexican and half Filipina, and I used to see her at local parties and on social media before we met. This was a year after Vanessa and before I met Talia. We had a social work class together, and I couldn’t figure out what I admired more about her: her immense beauty or her passion for social justice. It pulled me to her; she was such a breath of fresh air, and I couldn’t help but like her. We exchanged numbers during class and would text each other about assignments, with me attempting horribly to flirt. One day in math class, I saw her wave at me and look excited to see me. At the time, I didn’t see it as a sign that she felt the same way about me, but man, it made me happy seeing that.

A couple of months after, I asked her one time in a message if I ever had the chance to win her heart. She told me I had it at a point and didn’t do anything.

Fast forward again. We talked from time to time, and I still threw in subtle flirts, but it didn’t end anywhere. Fast forward again—we are both much older now and pushing 30. I still messaged her, and we talked from time to time, but this time we sent each other funny tweets or posts about movies, something we were both passionate about as cinephiles.

One day, after a conversation about films, I flirted. She joked about how cringe it was and said I met her at a very avoidant time in her life. I told her that I understood and that I always saw her as beautiful inside and out. She liked the message and agreed to get food and hang out to see an upcoming horror movie that we had previously discussed. The day after my confession, we talked every day—about film, TV, our families, and our roots. I bought the tickets, and she appeared very happy and excited, talking about places to eat and hang out before showtime. It was beautiful; I really thought I won her heart.

Suddenly, she stopped texting me and ghosted me. She went weeks before the date ghosting me, sending random Twitter or IG reels on random days in between without replying to my responses after just two of my sentences. I was confused. Was she going to stand me up? A week before the date, she sent a message saying she got sick and may or may not go, but would let me know because she really wanted to go. In my head, I was devastated; I felt like she gave up on me or I did something wrong.

The day before the movie, she told me she felt better, and my heart jumped with joy. I got a haircut and bought her flowers. I picked her up and took her to the center where the movie theater is; before we parked, I surprised her with the flowers and told her it reminded me of the roses she posted on her story, and I wanted to match the colors. We had a short dinner, then got dessert at another shop while talking about each other's lives and cinema. At the cinema, we both ordered ICEEs that she agreed to buy. However, the ICEE machine was down. She then had a cute A24 moment when she said we should fill up an ICEE cup with soda and see how far it goes up—to the top of the ICEE circle lid. It was very whimsical of Annabelle to say that, but I found it so beautiful; it made me fall for her even more. During the movie, I awkwardly attempted to hold hands with her, and it worked for a short while though.

We left and talked about the movie. When I dropped her off, she bit her lips as I looked at her and proceeded to reach in the back of my car to grab the flowers. I wonder if she was waiting for me to kiss her... Idk, I'm a dumbass low-key. We talked the day after, and then she ghosted me again a few days later. Man, it hurt. I felt led on and questioned if it was her being avoidant. I was really hurt.

A few months after, I decided to focus on myself. I watched movies on my own again, started hitting the gym a lot more, resumed reading, started embracing the present, and saw a lot of foreign romance films from Wong Kar-wai and other directors. I logged these on Letterboxd, where Annabelle also follows me. I saw the movie Perfect Days, and it taught me the concept of komorebi, which I ended up getting tattooed on the same day. I then learned to appreciate the present a lot more; I embraced my family, my dog, my friends, my hobbies, and my confidence somewhat. And eventually, I muted Annabelle's stories and lived my life.

Do I still miss her? Yeah, kind of. It hurts that she ghosts me, but she taught me never to chase anyone that doesn’t feel the same way. I liked Annabelle—almost loved her—because she was just like me: an awkward cinephile nerd. I just thought she was the one as we had years of knowing each other. I thought we would’ve had a love life like the movies, but I was wrong. She practically became my 500 Days of Summer, and that’s the closest movie to describe what she did to me.

Lessons Learned

As of now, I still think about love and the four lessons that love taught me: Vanessa taught me that love can also involve betrayal and that not everyone is pure. Talia taught me not to take a good thing for granted by inflicting unnecessary hurt from the past on someone who doesn’t deserve it. Jane taught me that sometimes love can come in the form of "right person, wrong timing," and that fate has an interesting way of showing you that. Annabelle taught me why you never chase. My mom always told me, “Las cosas siempre pasan por una razón,” which translates in Spanish to everything happens for a reason. With this philosophy, it gave me the strength to truly look back and reflect on my love life, and instead of letting it hurt me, I decided to let it teach me instead of break me. The past is the past; all you can do is learn from it because, like my mom said, in the future you will finally see why those things happened.

Looking back, I realize something now:

In order to understand what love truly is, you must experience both sides of love, the joy and the heartbreak, to understand how to give it right.

Love isn’t perfect. It can build you up and tear you down. But if you let it teach you instead of hardening you, it will shape you into someone capable of real love.

That’s where I am now. I’m not bitter, I’m just growing. I’m learning to be more confident, to embrace my personality and those around me who love me: God, my family, friends, and dog. I’m learning to be more present.

So, if you’re ever asking yourself what love really is, what makes someone your soulmate?

It’s not about finding someone perfect; it’s about finding someone who makes love feel close to perfect, even when life isn’t. And when it comes back around, you’ll know you'll be ready. Life is full of lessons, and sometimes when it comes to love, it comes in four.

We’ve been broken up two weeks and she’s already in another relationship. Telling him she loves him and moving in with him.. I’m at a loss right now. SOS

So I met his woman at work about 3 years ago. We always were cool and over time our relationship grew and we started dating over 18 months ago. On the whole, it was a great relationship and we were very close. There were a few things here and there that made me question her commitment to me. She wouldn't let me meet her female roommate/best friend. There was always an excuse and as a result, I could only go over when the roommate wasn't home. I finally got to meet her and it was presented that I was "the man for the job" when they needed help with a car and with moving. She also stayed very close with one guy in particular she used to date and was always shady about him. Several other things here and there didn't quite add up but I am horrible at picking up on things and can over analyze, so I tend to let things go. Anytime I would broach the subject about her commitment I would always be told "of course, why would you even question it?" She would send some mixed signals like she needed me around more often but also need her space. In May, she got her own place. There was talk of me moving in with her but we decided financially and logistically it would be better to wait, but at least we'd have a place to spend more time together. Well, she lost her job in June and was going through a bit of a rough patch, so I spent a lot of time over with her to be there emotionally and to help out with things she needed. I thought about bringing up the subject again but was worried she might think I was pushing too nard at a bad time A few weeks ago, she told me her 32 year old daughter was coming into town. Her father is deceased and according to my gf, she told the daughter all about me and that I would get to meet her and we would do some things together. Come the day of her arrival, I did not hear from her for a bit so I texted her to ask if everything was ok. She told me that the daughter did NOT want to meet me. I asked what brought that about and she said that "she just said it and I can't force it". It all seemed very strange as it went against what she said and she didn't even provide any sort of explanation. So I left it be for a couple days until my birthday came and I didn't even get any sort of acknowledgement from her.. I texted and called but with no response. It's not like her to not contact me every day so I suspected something was very wrong. I did not go over as I did not to intrude on the daughter. After she had left, I finally had to go over there to see what was going on as it had been almost 10 days. She was a completely different person when she answered the door. I asked her what was going on and why was I ghosted. She finally broke down and told me due to her circumstances that she needed to join her daughter out of state and that she had planned to just go and not tell me because it was "easier". Of course that turned into a back and forth. Like why would you end a 19 month relationship with just silence? We both said some things we shouldn't have said. I told her she should have just been real with me as I understand her need to go and that we could enjoy the time we have left and remain close. She told me she needed to think. We exchanged texts for a couple days and it was like talking to a wall. I said it's like we don't even know each other and she said because it is. She said we could meet up sometime before she moves if I want, but I don't want to remember her as this cold, standoffish person. I want to remember her as the amazing woman I've known for years. I went over and told her that leaving things on good terms is the most important thing to me so hopefully we can still have a friendship and that I had to say goodbye but that we can keep in touch.

It makes me wonder if all the little things I noticed were indicative that she really wasn't all in with our relationship. How could she end things after all this time fully intending not to tell me? I poured my heart into it and if I had to leave, would certainly be up front and do what I can to make our final times memorable. It seems like it was all for nothing.