r/scificomedy

“Listen, you’ve got to get me out of here. Code red. Call the mothership. Help. These people are fucking insane.” Glimax screamed into the payphone, trying to convince the intergalactic helpline to arrange a pickup. The sweltering Florida heat had peeled away the pale paint he had covered himself with, revealing glimpses of his true grey skin underneath.

“Glimax. You’re the one who agreed to this mission. You said you could handle any place on Earth. This is a place on Earth, so why aren’t you handling it?” The formal voice on the other end of the line said, dismissing his frantic tone.

“This place isn’t anything like the other Earth areas. It’s some sort of prison for the elderly. They put all their old people here and leave them to get killed by alligators and the heat. It’s barbaric. Could you imagine doing something as cruel as sending your family elders to a place like Florida?”

The cold intergalactic operator shivered. That thought unsettled her enough that she started considering helping the poor alien. Roshow tapped her two fingers against her desk before exhaling. “Even if I wanted to send a rescue team, Florida is outside of our jurisdiction. You know how the lizard people are about us encroaching on their homeland. If we were to send a ship, it would be a diplomatic issue. If you can get yourself across the border, we can meet you there.”

“Across the border? That’s at least a hundred miles away. I’m not going to survive that long. I’ve already been harassed by three cougars today.” Glimax whimpered.

“Three cougars? They have those animals in Florida.”

“I’m not talking about the animals.”

“I didn’t realize there was an alternative to the animal. Interesting. I can’t wait to add that term to our list of phrases if you return alive.”

“HEY JACKASS. My ice cream’s melting. Get off the phone, I have to give this to my granddaughter.” A man shouted behind Glimax. His ice-cream already melting, with the strawberry dripping down his hairy gut, landing in his belly button like a weird dairy version of a hole in one.

“What?”

“Sounds like you're busy. Hanging up now. Good luck, Glimax.”

“WAIT.” But she had already hung up on him, leaving him all alone. Glimax sighed, setting the phone back down, passing the elderly man. The man gave him a shove with his shoulder before dialing a number into the phone booth.

“Hey, sweetie. Grandpa got you an ice-cream, but some jackass was on the phone for too long and it melted. Huh?” he pressed his face closer to the phone booth, glaring at the numbers. “What do you mean you can’t taste it through the phone? Ain’t you got FaceTime? Back in my day, my grandpa would give me a stick with half-chewed gum on it, and I would be over the moon. Which is funny because at that time Russia was planning its space trip—”

Glimax stared at the man, bewildered by his crazed ranting. It was as if everyone was playing some weird practical joke on him. He wondered if this was a simulation, or a test by his colleagues, but none of them were intelligent enough to create a joke so elaborate. He backed away from the booth before breaking into a terrified sprint.

He didn’t know where the borders were, so he madly dashed north, assuming he would eventually reach something. He swerved through crowds of Hawaiian-shirt wearing locals, who greeted him with relaxed stares and the occasional polite greeting. None of them appeared to have a care in the world, which made the alien stand out like a sore thumb.

When his three lungs were out of air, he stopped, catching his breath, only to get swarmed by an elderly couple.

“He looks like he knows how to handle some balls.” Old Mrs. Gracy said, grinning. Wearing some dazzling heart sunglasses and a pink top.

“That makes two of us. Tell me, have you got a good voice too? See, we were hoping—“ Mr. Gracy started, only for the alien to glance up at them with terrified eyes.

“SHREE!” he screamed, glitching the screens of nearby phones with his voice, as he broke into another sprint, leaving the old couple behind.

“Guess he doesn’t want to host our bingo night.” Mrs. Gracy sighed. “He seemed like a lovely young man.”

“Yeah. Wonder where he’s running to?”

Glimax continued his frightened running, finding himself cutting through a golf course. Under the cool shade of the towering trees on the course, he took another break. The alien dropped onto its rear, gasping for air. “Terrifying. I want to go home. I’m not ready for this. I’m only fifty years old.” He sniffed, covering his face as he started sobbing.

Life always seems to have a way of making a bad day worse. While the alien sobbed, a chubby creature snuck up behind him. The powerful alligator lurked behind the alien, who was too absorbed in his self-pity to notice the threat.

“I wouldn’t even care if one of those beasts ate me.” The alien shouted, only to feel a snout poke against his back.

“SHREEEE.” The scream was louder this time, sending birds flying out of their nests in a frenzy. The alien turned, seeing the creature staring at him with those large, emotionless eyes. It too had a Hawaiian shirt on and a pair of sunglasses, which Glimax didn’t even question at this point. “Please…” Glimax scooted away, begging the creature not to kill him.

“Easy there, alien. She’s a lover, not a fighter.” A man wearing a Salty Tree’s beer case as a chest-plate and a pair of Florida Panthers shorts jumped down from a nearby tree, landing with a horrifying thud. The man’s knees crackled, and Glimax assumed he had shattered his bones. Only for the man to pop up like a superhero or immortal beast.

“Who… who are you?”

“I go by many names. Chuck. Hey, you’re not allowed to do that here, and Florida man. My friends call me Bill,” he said, offering his hand to the alien, who accepted it. He pulled Glimax to his feet before patting the alligator. “She’s Sandy. She’s a good girl who’s only ever eaten one person before.”

“One person?” Glimax backed away.

“He was kind of asking for it, though.” Florida man clarified. “So, what brings you down here, space alien?”

“You can tell I’m an alien?” Glimax was shocked. Even if his disguise had been fading because of the heat, he never expected someone to see through it so easily.

“You spend enough nights blackout drunk on the beach, and you gain a third eye. I can see through disguises, feel the tide moving through my body, and detect a rival sports fan from a mile away. That’s the most useful of my powers.”

“Right. Well… it was nice meeting you two. I should be going.” When he stepped back, Sandy stepped forward, keeping him within biting distance. Glimax tensed, looking to Florida Man for help.

“Oh, she likes you. The old girl must feel sorry for you. Tell you what, little alien. How about I help you out? What do you need?”

“I need to get back to my home planet. They won’t pick me up from here. I need to get to another state.”

“Another state?” Florida Man spat on the ground. “No other states exist. It’s just Florida, and the rest. I wouldn’t call em states.”

“Even so… I need to get home.”

Florida Man rested a hand on his hip, looking at the alligator who was now drooling onto the grass. “Oh, don’t give me that look, Sandy. I know he’s a good guy, but I have standards. I don’t like going near those other areas.” Sandy continued to drool, and Florida Man kicked the dirt. “Fine, you twisted my arm. Hop on Sandy.”

“Pardon?”

The three were soon running down the highway, with helicopters flying overhead recording the strange occurrence. The headline for tomorrow’s paper had already been decided. “Florida man and his strange gray friend ride an alligator down the highway.” It wasn’t a creative headline, but it didn’t need to be when the subject matter was so bizarre.

For an alligator, Sandy had an astonishing amount of speed, at least thirty alligator-power by Glimax’s estimate. When they got near the border, Florida Man told Sandy to slow down. “This is where we part ways, friend.”

“Right.” Glimax carefully got off Sandy, giving the creature an anxious pat. When its snout twitched, he resisted the urge to pull his hand back, wanting to thank them both equally. “Thank you. I don’t think I can ever repay you.”

“And you’ll never need to. Safe travels, space dude.” Then he was off. Like an intoxicated legendary hero riding into the sunset. Thankfully, with Florida Man distracting everyone, Glimax could easily sneak through the border, finding a safe spot in the next state to get picked up from. He didn’t know if anyone would believe his stories, but he would still tell them to anyone who listened. Wanting to tell them about the legendary hero Florida Man and his friendly alligator.

Because the bill would be astronomical.

Kid: “Is it good?”
Dad: “I can’t put it down.”

We all want to be the mega smart starship captain or the cool smuggler, but who is keeping the galaxy running?

My vote goes to the Death Star trash compactor maintenance engineer. You have to fix a giant crusher in a room filled with space-garbage, and there is a 100% chance a Dianoga (trash monster) is going to try to drag you under. Plus, the pension plan is probably terrible because it’s the Empire.

What’s your pick? The guy who has to clean the Holodeck filters? The redshirt laundry coordinator? Let's hear them!

Your Duplicate –
Frequently Asked Questions About Phone Calls During Sleep

Thank you for using Your Duplicate.

We have received reports from users of the wrist device that, while they were asleep, their duplicate answered incoming phone calls and, in some cases, canceled purchases on online shopping sites.
If you do not wish your duplicate to answer calls while you are asleep, you can disable this feature in Settings.

Even if your duplicate’s decisions appear to differ from your own, your duplicate is regarded as you in accordance with the Terms of Service.

*This investigation report was compiled in Japanese and translated into English with AI assistance.
*And this is a fictional story, of course.

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