u/-whatisit-

I’m a Canadian citizen. I recently entered the US to visit my gf. I’m in an open relationship with my common law partner who lives in Canada. My gf in the US is also married. I visit her about twice annually.

The last time I visited was about six months ago. At that time I accidentally disclosed that I have two partners, but the officer said it didn’t matter to him since I’m common-law in Canada. (They asked who I’m visiting and who I live with in Canada, and I answered honestly because I was tired and forgot that people usually don’t have two gfs).

This time at the border I told them I’m staying for just over five weeks to see friends. I also stopped in washington for a writer retreat for a week. I didn’t get into the details of that. I didn’t mention my gf. You know how it is — customs goes fast. There’s no time for details.

I’m working remotely while visiting, and taking some PTO. I work for a Canadian nonprofit and I wfh in Canada too. I have permission from my employer to travel and work remotely.

They didn’t ask if I work remotely, they just said “is your job okay with you travelling for 3 months?” and I said “it’s only 5 weeks”.

Then he issued me an i-94 for 28 days. I had to reschedule my return flight. He said if I don’t reapply for my i-94 or leave the states by the deadline, “ice will come for me”. He said my previous i-94 was expiring in two days so he was only going to give me 28 days. There is no way to reapply for an i-94 as a canadian. I could apply for an extension but there’s an 8 month waiting list.

I’m scared to cross the border again. Has anyone else had issues like this? I feel like I said something wrong. Maybe I said everything wrong. I have no idea what to say next time. I travel to the states a lot. I’ve never had this issue before.

My situation is not as demanding as many here, but I think it’s very challenging. My partner does not need full time caregiving support. Their illnesses allows them independence with hygiene (except when they’re really having a time I offer to wash their hair but they usually decline). They can be alone. They are mobile through the home. I do the majority of the cooking and chores, and errands. I am the sole breadwinner. We have a cleaner come twice a month as well. I do the majority of the life admin, but they book their own doctor’s appointments. They are 90% housebound, we rely on pharmacy and grocery delivery. We do not drive.

The challenging part is I am 34 and they’re 43 and this has been our situation for 7 or 8 years. The ups and down of their illness fill me with hope that is then crushed when the next flare comes. The connection is always at risk and it’s hard for them to be present emotionally when they’re unwell. Obviously, this is common with most chronic illness. It has gotten worse in the last 5 years, and then better again. But they’re in a flare rn and it’s been draining.

I struggle to accept the losses that come with a partnership like this. I can’t be as social. I’m exhausted. If my own health issues get worse I know she can’t care for me. I feel so much pressure to stay in a job or perform well at work so we have the chance to have more to live on. I don’t get to travel as much as I would otherwise.

Today I can tell their new meds are working. I took caregiver leave for the day from work to catch up on rest because I was too anxious last week when it was bad to think of that. We chatted a lot. Spent time together. We had a dinner I froze a couple months ago with a salad I made tonight. They unloaded the dishwasher. I tidied the kitchen. We sat together and worked on our hobbies.

Has anyone had the inverted T procedure with Dr Astanehe? I’m considering it but she says it leaves behind breasts. I really feel like I need to see pictures to understand what she means.